Things I Find To Be More Relaxing and Peaceful Than the Sound of Really Loud Harley Davidsons

1. Mosh pits
2. 5 AM showers that go ice cold without warning
3. The movie Cujo
4. Adam Lambert's eye liner
5. The sound of shrieking bats clawing at my window

Friday Conclusion

This evening there was a Ground Ginger Debacle in the Cupcake Household which resulted in a sudden and unwanted mad dash to Albertsons by yours truly and on the way home I was fortunate enough to catch Garrison Keillor's, The Writer's Almanac and JUST as he began to read something magnificent by Nadine Gortimer I thought It Is Because Of Moments Like This That I Do Not Feel So Very Alone and he proceeded to read the incredibly perfect way Nadine Gortimer described the worthiness of being a person who tirelessly observes and tries to understand and it was as if he surveyed all the world only to find that one person who could describe my feeling in that moment and as I sat in my car on the dark street outside my house, he went on to read a poem by Christopher Wiseman and it was as if the poet had written it out loud with Garrison listening---he read it so perfectly. With that voice of his. And his perfect cadence. And his occasional profound and poignant sniff.

And I sat there in my car missing everyone I love who I wished could hear what I was hearing and I realized there is just no way to gather it all up and have us all hear what I would like us to hear and so I just have to always continue to LET GO, especially when it feels most impossible. Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF LAST MINUTE PAIN IN THE ASS FRIDAY NIGHT EMERGENCY ROOM-OUTFIT-WEARING ERRANDS TO THE GROCERY STORE

Things I Don't Understand, Items 109 thru 111

109. The extent of the abject horror caused by trying to butter dry, cold toast in a restaurant with pats of butter that are frozen solid
110. Steven Segal's grease quotient
111. When women have small murals painted on their fingernails

Cooper Being People's Sexiest Man Alive

"Come live with me and be my love," he whispers to no one in particular, while lounging on the porch nibbling on what once were his man parts.

Then he orders us to retrieve his "ascot" which is the only way he will now refer to his leash.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

There are some things that are just NOT MEANT to be uttered under the roof of any Whole Foods. Or, just say they ARE uttered, and it was YOU who uttered them because you lost your fool mind for a moment and decided to telegraph to the world: I AM A DWEEB, well then go right on ahead and help yourself to the following phrases:

While standing at that little Sushi Shop: ARE THERE ANY MORE CALIFORNIA ROLLS?

Within earshot of the people standing at the fancy cheese counter: DO YOU CARRY WINDEX?

And the worst one, which I now know carries a $100,000 fine: WHERE'S THE DIET COKE?

Consider yourself warned,
Bernie in Produce

Sunday Share

As the day started to wind down today and I began to experience a mildly incapacitating case of the Sunday Weirds I quickly rummaged around in the Cupcake Pharmacy and was able to prescribe some emergency medication that consisted of a very large sweatshirt, my favorite 90 yr old JCrew sweatpants, a walk with Mister Cupcake and Cooper---followed by a sit session on the porch reading the obituaries, the Travel section and the latest issue of O with Ellen DeGeneres on the cover.

Focusing on how much cosmetic surgery someone else has had is always an effective cure for the Sunday Weirds, however, one must have the appropriate soundtrack if one is to achieve a full and total detour from the God-Help-Me-What-Will-The-Week-Bring anxiety thought spiral.

Sometimes Louis Armstrong is good but there other times when he can be more All Ken Burns Jazz Documentary All The Time and that can conjure images of bar brawls, prostitution and cruelty to mules thus creating upset in Fragile Sunday Time.

Or, sometimes early Van Morrison can act as a balm but then Van starts saying the same phrase over and over 900 million times and you start to wonder why they didn't cast Van Morrison as Sybil instead of Sally Field and this is no good for Fragile Sunday Time.

But if you are lucky enough to listen to your inner fairy and you make the choice of the Dave Brubeck Quartet, with the soothing randomness of the piano and overall jazz-syrup warmth this music exudes, then you can settle in and know, as you read about how to handle being very long waisted, that all will be well and everyone is OK and there is not too much to worry about.

Until about 3:25 in the afternoon next Sunday when the air starts to feel different and the light begins to shift and you realize the weekend has gotten away from you yet again and you ask yourself I Wonder What I Did With That Photo Of Me and Robert, I Must Find It, I Always Meant To Frame It...

Yours In Reluctant Perseverance,
Gordon the Skittish Bull Moose

Friday Conclusion

If I were forced to become a bigamist and marry a condiment I would wed kosher salt on a crisp afternoon in late September, gazing toward Half Dome from Glacier Point, wearing a garland of peonies whilst strumming a ukulele.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 106 thru 108

106. Gigantic white Cadillac Escalades with gold piping
107. Petting Zoos
108. Reba McEntire's psychotically unrelenting spunk

Cooper Being Willem Dafoe in Platoon

"One time. On the set. I punched an innocent key grip in the face for calling me 'William'," he says reminiscing about how he clarified things for "that asshole fool ass face ass" who mispronounced his name.

"I said 'MY NAME IS WILLEM, ASSHOLE. THAT'S DUTCH, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW AND I STUDIED DRAMA AT THE UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN-MILWAUKEE SO GO SCREW YOURSELF!' Then I kind of looked at him like he was a piece of asshole-poo-ass face-lint. I mean, if THAT'S not bravery I don't know what is."

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Today, I read the following heart wrenching headline on Yahoo and I have not been able to stop sobbing since because it is SO SAD. Here. I've cut and pasted the headline so you can read it but first I'll wait for you to go get several decorative boxes of Kleenex...OK. I feel that you are ready. Here goes. Make sure you are sitting down and prepare yourself. Read it and weep:

Vick Not Happy As An Eagles Player

Isn't that the SADDEST thing you've ever read? That poor guy is not happy as an Eagle. I can't say it without tearing up. Well, seeing as I am a TAKE ACTION kind of person I've thought of several things Michael Vick might do to find more fulfillment:

Choice #1: HUMAN SUPPOSITORY FOR RUSH LIMBAUGH'S BUTT

Choice #2: THE PERSON IN CHARGE OF FEEDING DAVID HASSELHOFF HAMBURGERS WHEN HE GOES ON A BENDER

Choice #3: GREAT WHITE SHARK MASSEUSE

Choice #4: JAMIE LEE CURTIS'S PERSONAL TOILET PLUNGER

Yours in hopeful prayer,
Kirk the Continually Perplexed Bloodhound