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Monday, December 29, 2008

Geek Swap

I was thinking the other day that I am very far behind most humans because I have never seen:
1. Dancing With The Stars
2. American Idol
3. Any of the Bachelor or Bachelorette things


I love:
1. Loggins and Messina
2. Phantom of the Opera
3. The soundtrack to About Last Night with Rob Lowe and Demi Moore

So everything should work out evenly, right?

Yours Truly,
Mrs. Where Have All The Legwarmers Gone?

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

December Inventions

Invention #1: Game show where people compete by telling the audience about their worst childhood experiences and whoever has the most hideous interlude to share wins. Too much of a downer?

Invention #2: Find a way to use all the food the chefs on the Food Network throw away. Is there a reason no one else has thought of this? I'd happily eat Ina Garten's leftovers and Paula Deen could probably supply a small nation with uneaten butter balls and lard filled southern crumpettes.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Rudders, Sort Of

Here are some of the things written on the pages of my little notebook that I keep in my purse for when I start to careen into the shoreline or another schooner, perhaps. I wish I could tattoo them into the air in front of me and breath them into my nostrils:

Keep your eyes open
Keep your ears open
Stay awake

Nothing Special
No Big Deal

Things are always changing, so nothing can be yours.

(The way to dissolve our resistance to life is to meet it face to face.)

Wholeheartedly train in keeping your heart and mind open to everyone.

Don't try to fix others.

Let go of the outcome and be kind.


Let everything happen to you
Just keep moving forward

What is it about these little tidbits? They give me hope. They help me. Some of them are written by people that were living forever ago (it encourages me that there were worriers back then too) and others are newer. Some of the genius nice wise people:
Pema Chodron
Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche
Joseph Campbell

Have a bitchen summer,

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Things I Don't Understand, cont.

4. Gerrymandering
5. The size of Nancy Reagan's head in proportion to the rest of her body
6. Mutton

Monday, December 15, 2008

Things I Don't Understand, Items 1 thru 3

1. The traffic on Lincoln
2. Goldie Hawn's demeanor
3. Duties, salary and uniform of an Ombudsman

Sunday, December 14, 2008


You know that creepy Big Brother narrator of every move that everyone makes on Facebook? This is what mine said when I looked last:

Amy used the word "bejeezus" today at 7:13 p.m. even though she hates this word. She's such a faker
Amy started to get a pit in her stomach at 9:43 p.m. thinking about something scary
Amy has "one friend" on Facebook because she is technologically challenged and has never actually used iTunes but no one knows this
Amy sometimes acts friendly to people she wishes would leave her alone and we think this is disengenuous
Amy felt completely and totally gleeful when she noticed that there were two chocolate covered graham crackers left
Amy is very fearful of getting constipated and she thought about this from 8:12 to approximately 8:14 a.m.

Just kidding.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Exit Strategy

The other day my niece asked me if anyone had ever farted during an important meeting at my company and I said, come to think of it, in all the years I've been sitting in meetings that is the one excruciating thing that hasn't happened.

This got me to thinking. I'm sure an unwelcomed passer gasser HAS happened in some meeting somewhere. The Marketing VP is rattling off the 124th amazing project she's spearheading and suddenly the Director of Finance farts. What the hell happens next? I'd like to think that if this happened to me I would either run screaming out of the room and run directly to my car and out of the parking lot, never to return or I would simply pretend it didn't happen and casually change the subject by asking if anyone else has had problems with their key cards after returning from lunch. I think these are the only two choices, right?

I'm turning into Eartha Kitt.
Nicole Kidman

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Jury Doodie

I got called for jury duty and today, during the jury selection process, there was a woman who kept interrupting the judge when he was "interviewing" her. I thought this was in very bad form and I also thought she was lucky she wasn't the defendant because it would be impossible to find a jury of her peers that would not convict her for her severely feathered hair.

First thing on my agenda when we move back home? Chippendales.
Laura Bush

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

You're the Only Stuffed Flamingo For Me

I can't wait 'til someone hurls you across the room so I can plunge my teeth into your furry neck.