Things Of Which I Am One Hundred Percent Certain

1. Clowns frighten toddlers
2. Sunscreen in my eyes makes me suffer
3. There is never a moment of the day or night when Hugh Jackman is not wearing that MADCAP gleeful expression

Cooper Being In Riverdance

"How do I look? Is my head moving too much? Do my arms seem paralyzed enough?" he asks us, panting.

We don't have the heart to tell him he has poop in his teeth.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I have an etiquette question.

The other day I was walking my dog at the park and we were ambushed by what appeared to be a very high society couple. One was a woman who seemed to believe she was playing the Joan Collins role in Dynasty and the other was her Borzoi dog who had a gigantic sea creature body, a small deformed pea head and buggy Marty Feldman eyes. Seeing this pair, my dog understandably became riled and lunged innocently at the hairy squid Borzoi.

Come to find out, there is apparently NO LUNGING OR GETTING RILED in Dynasty-Borzoi-Joan-Collins-Land. We know this because Joan Collins told us with her disapproving expression. We also received some unsolicited high society advise regarding training for dogs frightened by sea creatures masquerading as Borzois.

Now, I've been thinking of ways in which I might have responded to this How To React To Disturbing Looking Borzois advice and the only one that seems like it might have been effective goes something like "Wait, I have a question---shut the hell up." Do you think that would work as a proper response?
---Perplexed and Sweaty Palmed in Chatsworth

Dear Sweaty,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Sunday Share

Why I believe that mine is a particularly potent strain of Co-Dependency:

When I see a group of ruthless hyena drivers band together in order to deny a helpless bus the ability to merge onto Sepulveda from Jefferson therefore forcing the arthritic looking mastodon to careen into the parking lot of BIG LOTS! I feel sad for that bus and as I pass it I think it looks like an aging Rosey Grier.

Seriously Yours,
Mona the Intrusive Shopkeep

Friday Conclusion

If the lardesque, murky, five-ton quality of the week seems to be taking just a tad longer than normal to wash off me I now know it DOES NOT hurry up the relaxing process to think of the following:

ELIZABETH HASSELBECK


Sincerely,
Promotional Manager for J Lo's Butt

Cooper Being In a 60 Minutes Segment About Depression

Here he is seen gazing out a window as he recollects his struggle while Morley Safer probes him about his darkest moments.

"There were times when I didn't even have the energy to sniff Doug the Labrador's behind. That's how bad it was" he admits.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Can you settle a bet? My husband and I both have different interpretations of Janis Ian's song from the 70s At Seventeen. My husband says that when Janis sings "I learned the truth at seventeen" she is referring to the fact that there is a direct correlation between being a football stud and having a huge ponch in middle age and I think she is referring to the fact that the trauma from having a bad perm creates a wound that lasts a lifetime. Are either of us right?
---Prepared To Sue Each Other In Duarte

Dear Prepared,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Things I Like More Than Newt Gingrich

1. Gravel in my eyes
2. Being run out of town by a murderous mob
3. Damp sheets
4. Couples therapy with Crispin Glover
5. Beef bullion scented shampoo

Donald Trump's Next Empire = Odd

The other evening Mister Cupcake and I were watching Larry King interview Donald Trump and from where I was sitting at the dining room table I saw, written across the bottom of the television:

TRUMP: PARK LIKE A CHAMPION

And I thought, that's bizarre, I had no idea there was a market for parking advice.

Then I realized he was talking to Ol' Suspender Shoulders about THINKING like a champion. And I thought, I bet The Donald has a gold medal in Positive "YOU GO, ME!" Mantra-Thoughts. If I had hair like that I don't know how I'd make it out of the house.

Quizzically Yours,
Wayne the Constipated Corgie

Things I Don't Understand, Items 37 thru 39

37. Where they're hiding Kirstie Alley
38. Sunglasses that are as large as the windshield on a mini-van
39. Sod

Cooper Being Morbid

"Most dogs don't spend their free time reading morose stories about the Donner Party," we tell him. He just shakes his head and stares at us with a severe expression as if he's not sure whether to pity us or condemn us.

Then he triple checks our first aid supply, making sure we have plenty of tarps, ace bandages and Snausages.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

If my husband and I become homeless, do you think a good back up plan for shelter would be to live inside a pair of Van tennis shoes? They seem to be very roomy and we were thinking we might use the giant tongue that adorns them as a catapult for sending out various notices regarding our goings on. Do you think this is a prudent and doable plan that will guarantee us a safe haven during this recession or do you think the cramped quarters will be hell on our knees from all the crouching?
---As Jittery As A Chihuahua In Pomona

Dear Chihuahua,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

The Cupcake Lessons

What I learned today:

1. If the crazy lady who swears at the trashcan on the corner attempts to engage me in a seemingly lighthearted conversation about my shoe size DON'T TAKE THE BAIT and remind myself of the time I saw her attacking the defenseless palm in front of the neighbor's house.
2. It's okay that I don't use the phrase "Because that's how I roll" but if I want to start experimenting with this phrase I might start thinking of activities that fit into the "How I Roll" category---like how hot I can tolerate my bath water without fainting or something along those lines.
3. Taking tailgating personally is JUST. PLAIN. SILLY.

Au Revoir,
Professor of Sap

Friday Conclusions

If I wrote a book about how to be happy (besides having a chapter about The Importance Of Never Making Eye Contact With Standard Poodles) I would for sure include a smattering of easy-peezy suggestions, activities and guidelines GUARANTEED to promote a sense of SMILE as opposed to FROWN and all of these suggestions would have a little asterisk with a disclaimer that said: *Do this if you feel like it. If you don't feel like it then your alternate suggestion is to take a hot bath.

And the more I think about this, I'm pretty certain I have the title for my book:

Progresso Beef Barley Soup For The Nervous Person's Soul

I think my target market is nice and hefty so I've got that going for me and the title isn't so totally embarrassing that it will force people to wait until there is NO ONE within 40 yards if they decide to purchase the book in an actual bookstore like how you have to if you're buying a book with the title Why Do I Think I'm Such a Loser Without a Private Veranda? or Hey You! I Hate Me!

If all goes well, my book will make people proud when they purchase it and ultimately so many people will purchase my book that I will be forced to write ANOTHER book with even more suggestions and this book will be titled:

Mrs Paul's Fish Sticks For The Snarky Person's Soul

Buoy Up and Onward Then,
Advisor To The Large Bearded Man In Your Rear View Mirror

Things I Don't Understand, Items 34 thru 36

34. How Der Wienerschnitzel remains in business
35. Why old people become addicted to throw rugs on carpet
36. People who sound like startled kittens when they sneeze

Cooper Being Held Hostage By Pirates

We received this photo with the following ominous message scribbled across the bottom in what appears to be Cooper's writing:

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT LEADING PIRATES STOP STILL FURIOUS PARTY OF FIVE OFF AIR STOP UNSURE HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN SURVIVE STOP GET WORD TO CANDY SPELLING? STOP

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Recently I purchased some Neutrogena face soap at Albertsons and as I picked the innocent black and white striped package from the shelf I noticed several sinister looking face creams, moisturizers and pore repair serums nearby that had ANTI-AGING written all over them and as I dropped the Neutrogena into my cart and walked away I think I heard the Revlon-Alpha-Hydroxy-Super-Maniac-Mask-For-The-Ages hiss, "HEY ASSHOLE, AGING IS FUCKED UP AND SO ARE YOU." Should I be concerned that any of these Anti-Aging Gang Banger Face Creams will come to my house and challenge me and my small family to a turf war?
---Cross Eyed From Worry In Fullerton

Dear Cross Eyed,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Sunday Survey

Do you ever think Monkey Mind thoughts like this in Yoga?

1. Please god don't put your mat too close to mine
2. Did I shave my armpits yesterday? For the life of me I can't remember
3. I wonder if the new down comforter will fit into the washer or if it will send it reeling off its axis and make that awful jackhammer sound
4. I get the picture---when you say "two more breaths here" you really mean "you'll be in this pose until you all become senior citizens"
5. Do wrists ever just explode
6. Squat is such a homely word


ME TOO! It's good to know I'm not alone.

Sincerely,
Carol the Loud Breather

Friday Conclusion

Madonna's son David Banda looks EXACTLY like Gary Coleman.

It's true. I saw a photo of her carrying him and it dawned on me:

THEY AREN'T LETTING MADONNA ADOPT ANOTHER CHILD BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID SHE WILL TURN A LITTLE GIRL INTO DANNY BONADUCE

Later gator,
Captain Cluck

Cooper Being Sylvia Plath

"The dark, deep aching in my heart will surely do me in," he says. "The only balm for my angst is more of those dried pork rind treats."

Things I Don't Understand, Items 31 thru 33

31. Steak tartar
32. Chintz
33. Babies named Jerry