Things I Don't Understand, Items 166 thru 168

166. Sue Grafton novels
167. Jude Law's bony, hairy-ish chest
168. Why there is no psychotropic medication specifically for people who have cut their bangs too short

Cooper Being Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters of the Third Kind

"The only direction Spielberg ever gave me was 'BE EVEN MORE ANNOYING, IF THAT IS HUMANLY POSSIBLE' and I think that is what made my performance and my career so stupendous regardless of my short stature," he says before breaking into his trademark chihuahua/ratfink giggle.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Word to the wise:

YOU USE THE WORD ENCLAVE IN A SENTENCE AND ACT LIKE IT'S TOTALLY NORMAL---YOU'RE PLAYIN' WITH FIRE.

Don't look at me, I didn't make the rules,
Susie Such-and-Such

Saturday SlobberLove

Ode To Arugula

Precious leafy green one
You make my heart so full
All the lunatics focus on your licoriceness
I know they are full of bull

You are perfect and you are crunchy
On top of Chicken Parmesan
Oh dear one---you're the bomb

On a sandwich
With pasta
Or just to snuggle
In a world full of chaos
You bring such yummy calm

Things I Don't Understand, Items 163 thru 165

163. Stone washed denim
164. Paula Deen's hair color
165. The Electoral College

Cooper Being Salma Hayek in Frida

This dramatic portrait, taken by Annie Leibovitz, captures the raw smoldering sensuality the hairy painter was known for and that Hayek so masterfully recreated for the screen.

"This sexy photo was taken after I shaved my eyebrows off completely using a lawn mower," he says, before asking if we would like to have his autograph.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

There's this famous quote by Maya Angelou or Jerry Falwell or the lead singer of the Goo-Goo Dolls (I can't remember who) that I have scribbled in one of my nine thousand Quote Filled Notebooks that goes like this:

WE'VE GOTTEN WHERE WE ARE BY WHAT WE'VE DONE

And EVERY TIME I read it I think of the time my sister and I ripped up the hideous carpet in our apartment off Sweetzer in West Hollywood just to get to the hardwood floors underneath even though our 700 year old landlord told us not to--- we couldn't help ourselves, we HAD to do it---we just ripped it up with our bare hands in the middle of the night like how those vicious crows almost pecked Tippi Hedren to death in The Birds and I just pray that whoever is keeping track can understand that when it comes to This Life's Contentment Ingredients you have to admit that hardwood floors will win, hands down, over creepy 70s barfy carpet anytime.

When in doubt drag it to the dumpster,
Pat the No-Nonsense Interior Designer

Things I Don't Understand, Items 160 thru 162

160. Thomas Kinkade paintings
161. Hello Kitty
162. How anyone ever learns how to play the accordion

Cooper Being Meryl Streep in The French Lieutenant's Woman

"People said that movie was romantic but in reality it was a living hell of windy dampness," he says with a snarl, remembering the early morning shoots when even his nose hairs were moist.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

While driving this afternoon I was lucky enough to pass by a classy lady who was cruising in a deep olive green Cadillac Seville with stunning gold piping and some real good lookin' white walls that shouted I WILL KICK YOUR ASS IN BRIDGE.

I say I was lucky to see this helluva dame not because I never knew you could order a car in Extra Large Gigantic size and still keep the gold piping in the package but because she had the following statement written in bright shocking pink around her license plate:

ZERO TO BITCH IN 4.9 SECONDS

If I'm not mistaken that is some valuable information right there.

To know me is to fear me,
Delores with the refrigerator sized hair

Things I Don't Understand, Items 157 thru 159

157. Michael Steele's strategy for beingness
158. When classical music goes from serene lullaby to hatchet crazy hummingbird sound without notice
159. Russian dressing

Cooper Being Russell Crowe in Cinderella Man

"The key to defeating your opponent resides solely in the quality of your RRRAHHRRR," he says, explaining the world famous Tussle Technique he mastered that earned him an Oscar.

"And, also, it doesn't hurt to understand that you should never take Renee Zelweger's lips personally."

Things I Like More Than Glenn Beck

1. Wolverines in my pants
2. Night sweats
3. Being hung from the ceiling by my ears
4. Sewage omelets
5. Tabasco enemas

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I am no longer single but I will NEVER, EVER, Eh!Ver! forget the mind numbing wrestling matches I had in my own pickled brain trying to nurture my Good Person Detector while I was dating.

"Are you a BAD man?" I dreamed of asking the myriad of gentleman callers that traipsed across my doorstep.

"Sometimes I get the vibe of BIG FAT LOSER when I'm around you," I longed to say to a handful of potential mates.

Looking back, I think, why did I not employ the one foolproof litmus test that is certain to out the good guys from the bad guys:

The Confused/Bewildered Old Person Helper Litmus Test:

Take a stroll and watch your Future Possible Mate walk past a confused looking elderly person. The elderly person must look slightly distressed and partially wayward---exuding a feeling of I am lost and I need some help.

If your date passes this person by without the slightest interest you know you need to end the evening activities and run the other way, spending the rest of your glorious evening in your tub.

If your date stops and asks, "Do you need help?" you are well on the way to a life of pretty sturdy coupledom because you will have hooked up with a person who is nice to old people and when it all comes down to it there is NOTHING better than that.

At your service,
Talulah B. Atlas

Saturday SlobberLove

I'm a fool for dusk. Everything about it. The lighting. The sounds. The vastness of it and the closeness of it. How it all seems cozy for a while---or at least settled down a bit.

If you take a walk during the winding down of the day you can smell the roast or stew or pasta being cooked and you say supper in your head or you can hear the clinking of ice in glasses or you catch the slightest glimpse of honey light in the window of an old man who never stops reading or you hear the start of an argument or a runner goes WHOOSH past you or you hear laundry clanking around in a dryer and you say chores in your head and you feel bowled over from all the light everywhere being reflected---this is what captures and frames it all mostly; for that period of time every day---it all just glows.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 154 thru 156

154. People who drive with their dogs on their laps
155. Why you never actually SEE graffiti being done
156. American Idol