Monday Judgements and Warnings

Exsqueeze me but your triumphant tale of how you survived the four month waiting list period that preceded your recent 56 thousand dollar Jimmy Choo handbag purchase takes a back seat to that big booger hanging out of your left nostril.

FYI.

Sphincter says what?
CostCo Connie

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes on the weekends, when the movers and their U-Hauls are out and about looking sweaty and tense, I often take a drive around the block just so I can get another look at the action and I take note of the lovely mayhem right there in front of me and I, of course, notice the number of boxes yet to be loaded and I hone in on who in the crowd seems to be the one with the Master To-Do List and I secretly send a big fat GOOD LUCK to that person and as I drive away I envision what the new place will be like and my heart skips a beat when I think of that New Place Newness feeling and how you envision all the BBQs to be thrown and the walks to be taken and after I've covered that in my mind then, finally, I give a blessing for lots of closet space coupled with the ability to put things in their just-right place with ease.

If It Isn't Labeled It Doesn't Exist,
Packy Packerson
Packtown, USA

Friday Conclusion

Today I was doing this BE MINDFUL ABOUT THE TOILET AND ABOUT YOUR BREATH AND ABOUT YOUR EYELASHES AND ABOUT YOUR BUTT CRACK AND ABOUT THE BIRDS AND ABOUT YOUR FOOT ON THE BRAKE PEDAL AND ABOUT YOUR UNWARRANTED RAGE TOWARD THE ASSHOLE SMALL-TALKER IN THE ELEVATOR INVADING YOUR SPACE LIKE A SERIAL KILLER AND ABOUT THE AIR AND ABOUT WHAT, EXACTLY, CAPERS ARE AND ABOUT DARFUR AND ABOUT CHEWING SLOWER AND ABOUT THOSE DAY TO DAY ACTIVITIES THAT I TAKE ADVANTAGE OF LIKE A COMPLETE AND TOTAL ASLEEP LOSER exercise and I realized that I was drawn to a certain everyday appliance-thing that has captured my heart and had I not practiced my MINDFULNESS ACTIVITY like a soldier I would not have discovered my One True Love For a Thing That I Am Normally Psychotically MINDLESS About In Such a Way That I Should Be Doing Time.

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

I AM OPENING A DOOR KNOB STORE.

Bless you ya big dope,
Cindy Spiritual

Things I Don't Understand, Items 178 thru 180

178. Freeway signs that predict arrival times to upcoming freeways
179. The Goth look in summer
180. Chef hats

Cooper Being Andy Warhol

"Be a dear and hand me my cashmere hanky," he says, before engaging in an avant garde acid trip enhanced game of Scrabble with Truman Capote and Bianca Jagger.

"VIOLETFACE IS A WORD!," he could be heard screaming.

Things I Like More Than Sean Hannity

1. Being gored by a water buffalo
2. Playing strip poker with my elderly neighbors
3. Toe jam quesadillas
4. Ponzi Schemes
5. Having that thing happen when you're talking to someone and you laugh and snot shoots out of your nose

Saturday SlobberLove

Is there anything lovelier than a hose that behaves itself?

I didn't think so.

Sincerely,
Gary Gardener

Things I Don't Understand, Items 175 thru 177

175. Why Suburus are always filthy
176. Luke warm coffee
177. Skittles

Cooper Being Annette Bening in Open Range

"Is it just me, or do they not look like bloated sex offenders?" he says while keeping his eyes peeled on the approaching drunken figures of Kevin Costner and Robert Duvall.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Why Lee Jeans Do Not Work On Men:

1. Long Flat Butt Effect: Is that a behind or a refrigerator?
2. Toddler Alarm/Upset: Mommy, why does that man have no waist?
3. WALL OF PAUNCH
4. Cowboy boot requirement---what if you have no cowboy boots? Not fair.

Wake up and smell the flare,
Judy J. Jordache

Sunday Share

I'm not sure if you're aware of this but I am the President of the Nag Champa incense fan club. I burn it constantly and it makes me feel happy. Recently, though, I bought some jasmine scented Morning Star incense and the other night I realized it smells exactly like Old Spice aftershave.

I was cooking and although I was sauteing garlic I was overcome with the aroma of 1970's men's aftershave. And my dad. The way he would pat his face with it, kind of lazy-heavy but with determination and a certain joie de vivre. I remember thinking the container was from NASA. What was the little space ship looking thing on the top? He'd slap it on and off he'd go---smelling fresh.

I remember thinking that no matter what my mom said about him that I would love him forever.

So when I was reminded of that scent recently, I remembered that father I adored and I felt happy that my sister and I stayed close to his side as his life and memory slipped away from him and he slowly disintegrated in front of our eyes. I remembered that I am grateful for being shown how to have grace in dying and how to make Grateful a religion and how to never ever ever take coffee and a soft blanket for granted and to always keep a few things to remind you of who you are and who you dream yourself to be and that in the end it does not take much to make your big mark that is so filled with life and love and kindness.

Yours In Superfluous Longing,
Greta P. Grief

Thigns I Don't Understand, Items 172 thru 174

172. When men say "and the LADY will have" at restaurants
173. Black Reeboks with white socks
174. White Reeboks with black socks

Cooper Being Catherine Zeta-Jones

This photo, one of the only stills taken on the set of the ill-fated Camp Coquette, captures the star's mind boggling smokey sex appeal.

"Right after this shot, the hiking poles on the right proposed marriage," he recalls, before shrieking GRAMPA!!!! at a confused Michael Douglas.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I received an email today that informed me of my induction into the 2010 Edition of the Cambridge Who's Who. and apparently this is a HUGE ASS deal because only about 1.000000967 people get into this, this, THIS THING and I was wondering if you knew---do they bestow this coveted honor upon people who have gymnast agility when using a Swiffer OR do they choose people who have honed the art of worry to such an extent that their furrowed brow is seen from space?
---Constipated From Curiosity In Cankerville

Dear Constipated,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I get asked all the time how I maintain such a vibrant, strong, enduring, pure happiness in my life. Passers-by, store clerks, neighbors, crossing guards, policemen, squirrels---even high-profile Life Coaches---they all ask me the same thing over and over. They say HOW DID YOU GET SO GOSH DARN HAPPY?

And when this happens, each time it happens, I say...simply:

NO KELLY RIPA. EVER.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 169 thru 171

169. Colonics
170. Sweatshirts with embroidered wolves on them
171. White Castle Burgers

Cooper Being a JC Penney Catalog Model

Here he is seen modeling the groundbreaking Over-Sized Aquatic Burlap Scarf that also converted into a bedspread for evening.

"It may have made my career but it nearly broke my freaking neck," he says remembering his rise to Crappy Chain Store Catalog Super Model fame.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

This evening, when I walked into my kitchen I saw Kosher Salt flash a switchblade and get all up in Sea Salt's business.

Kosher Salt was screaming You are going DOWN Sissy Man-with-the-Van-Gogh-painting-on-your-container!

Sea Salt was cracked out and kept going JEW---I will CUT YOU! in a crazy baboon way.

Then a full on riot broke out and before I knew it all that was left was a container of orange garlic spread and a jar of Worcestershire and Mister Cupcake and Cooper and I were just huddled next to our new IKEA lamp in the corner praying for our safety and for the promise of a new sunrise.

Keep an eye on your condiments people. They aren't as innocent as you might think.

Saturday Sleuthing

This afternoon Mister Cupcake made a grocery run to Albertsons and when he returned he proudly entered the door holding up the latest issue of People magazine knowing how happy this would make me.

WHY IS SANDRA BULLOCK ON THE COVER OF PEOPLE MAGAZINE WITH HARRIET TUBMAN? I thought for several seconds before I realized that she was NOT on the cover with Harriet Tubman but was actually holding her new baby boy Louis.

Mystery solved.

Then when I was perusing the pages of the literary masterpiece, making sure to keep a keen eye out for any photos of Kate Hudson's new boobs, I happened upon a photo of Robin Wright that showcased her without make-up and was alarmed to read that she is next appearing in a movie called THE CONSTIPATOR.

THAT'S A WEIRD NAME FOR A MOVIE. I WONDER IF IT'S ABOUT A WOMAN WHO DRINKS TOO MUCH METAMUCIL, I thought for several seconds before I realized that the movie she is soon to star in is called The ConSPIRator and NOT The ConSTIPator.

Mystery solved.

It's experiences like these that make me wonder why I never pursued a career as a Private Detective. Or some kind of Wise Shaman.