Cooper Being Malcom Macdowell In A Clockwork Orange

He's all, "ANIMAL CRUELTY---YOU'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL!" because we taped his eyes open and forced him to stare at a photograph of Ann Coulter while blasting Pat Metheny albums.

And we were like, "Mister and Missus have to find some way to entertain themselves without spending their hard earned cash, lil pup. Now, shut your snout---here comes the really jazzy part where it sounds like a trillion baby birds imitating a rhinestone embossed jackhammer!"

Until Next Time,
Lead Reporter for The Granola Is Deceptively Fattening Press

Shoe Advice = Odd

I saw this sign in the window of a shoe repair shop:

WATCH YOUR HEELS.
OTHERS DO.

I'm not sure I agree with that. I wanted to ask them what it meant but then I thought they would look at my heels and judge me and I have enough to worry about so I left their ramshackle cobbler's hut, backing out silently.

Respectfully,
Assistant To The Person Ahead Of You In Line Who Is Buying Two Dozen Banquet Frozen Dinners

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Best to steer clear of:

1. People who are overly reliant upon scarves to spice up their wardrobe
2. Pet owners who say "He's friendly" about their growling dogs
3. Carp

As you were,
Sergeant of the question "So What's the Damage?"

Sunday: Other People's Sentences

Here are several sentences from a paragraph that I think is Good. It's from Cat's Eye and Margaret Atwood wrote it.

*************************

The telephone rings. It's Grace. "You want to come out and play?" she says, in her neutral voice that is at the same time blank and unsoft, like glazed paper. I know Cordelia is standing beside her. If I say no, I will be accused of something. If I say yes, I will have to do it. I say yes.

*************************

I have so many different books that are like relatives---much bigger than my actual family---and Cat's Eye is definitely my favorite protective Aunt. There was such a gigantic kerfuffle about The Handmaid's Tale so if you only read one Margaret Atwood book and that was it you'd be wandering around with the wrong impression. Cat's Eye has the all time best mean girl character and she is referenced in the paragraph above. Cordelia. Mean in that way that only little girls can be mean and devastatingly uncaring in that way only a creepy jealous mean girl can be. And mean in that way that makes you want to stick with her until she redeems herself.

I like flipping through this book and reading a paragraph here and a page there every now and then just to remember that feeling of meeting Cordelia for the first time and loving Margaret Atwood for putting a name on that insidious thing that starts the first time you say "Yes, I wanna come out and play" even when you don't want to because you're afraid of what Cordelia might say.

Yours In Scrunched Forehead Wonder,
Jenny From Ballistics

Friday Conclusions = True

1. At the end of Legends Of The Fall Anthony Hopkins for sure used Liberace as a character study
2. It's totally fine that Gallagher is no longer on the comedy circuit
3. Two Peppermint Patties after dinner are definitely better than pineapple
4. Palm trees are the sleazy italian men of the tree world

Athletic Lady Feedback = True

Alternative name suggestions for Big Baby Davis if he wants to change his moniker:

1. Large Larry
2. Pooh Bear of the Court
3. Sasquatch

Sympathetically Yours,
Mrs. It's Not Like I'm The Only One

That Man and The Moon = Good

You know how there are certain moments or evenings or conversations in your life that leave a grooved mark on your heart that you think of frequently and each time you do you feel a sense of well being? And as time goes on it almost seems like there is a Helper You who's job it is to keep a giant file cabinet full of these happy memories? So that when Worrier You is not feeling tip-top Helper You hauls ass to the Happy File Cabinet and pulls out some masterpiece to remind you how lovely things usually are?

This photograph is one of those moments for me. It is of the full moon, rising over Half Dome. My husband took it the night we decided to attend a lecture given by an exceptionally top notch Park Ranger. I love Park Rangers and find them to be the nicest most knowledgeable people and this guy was the best and gave the most interesting talk about the lighting in Yosemite Valley. There was a pretty hefty sized group of us listening to him---rapt. We were all different shapes and sizes. Some of us seemed like seasoned hikers and nature lovers and others of us seemed like gnarly tourists who ate too many cheetos. But the Park Ranger brought us together in a way that felt like we'd soon start sharing our secret fears, dreams and insecurities.

Mister Park Ranger told us, before he started his talk, that the full moon was going to be rising and that whoever caught the first glimpse of her rising should yell "Moon!" So, as he spoke and the sky grew dark dark dark blue we were all perched on rocks or railings gathered around him --- listening and watching like eager beagles waiting for kibble.

Just as we were all totally lost in the information Parkie was imparting, this sweaty large man who I would have pegged as a Nascar fan from Arkansas gasped, threw his arms out wide and shrieked "MOON!" I'll never forget his big giant belly and humongous Van tennis shoes. I remember thinking he looked like a teenage girl who'd just spotted The Beatles. "Look! It's PAUL!!!!!"

Every time I look at this photograph I am filled with happy and awe just as much for that bright white moon as I am for my memory of him and how we all turned our shiny faces first toward him, then his giant sausage hands, following his finger stretched, pointing---almost touching that gorgeous moon rising over the granite.

Sincerely,
Manager of Wistful Thinking

Things I Like More Than Ann Coulter = True

1. Knee surgery without anesthesia
2. Weevils in my coffee
3. Unauthorized charges on my credit card
4. Having my ears varnished
5. Being forced to have the same hairstyle as Kim Jong-il

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Things to be wary of:

1. People who say "It's all good!" about everything, especially when something really bad and tragic happens
2. Spumoni
3. Using the word "piddle" if your goal is to garner respect

For Robert

Perfection Wasted

And another regrettable thing about death
is the ceasing of your own brand of magic,
which took a whole life to develop and market --
the quips, the witticisms, the slant
adjusted to a few, those loved ones nearest
the lip of the stage, their soft faces blanched
in the footlight glow, their laughter close to tears,
their tears confused with their diamond earrings,
their warm pooled breath in and out with your heartbeat,
their response and your performance twinned.
The jokes over the phone. The memories
packed in the rapid-access file. The whole act.
Who will do it again? That's it: no one;
imitators and descendants aren't the same.

John Updike