Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

If I have a day that resembles the red, blue and purple bald ass of a baboon but I think of being on a road trip or living on a farm or reading the Sunday paper will that make the red, blue and purple bald baboon ass not so large and stinkbutt- horrifying and thieving of spirit?
---Eyes-Bugging-Out-Of-My-Head Anxious In Skokie

Dear Head,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Current causes for extreme concern:

1. Getting snagged in a conversation seconds after pouring milk into my bowl of cereal so that by the time I take my first bite it has turned from Crispy Squares Of Delicious Shredded Wheat cereal to Pile Of Leaves and Hay In The Rain cereal

2. Drivers who mistake alley next to house for the autobahn

3. The entire cast of Slumdog Millionaire. These lunatics are sitting in my living room right now talking about their triumphant victory. They say it STILL HAS NOT SUNK IN and they CANNOT BELIEVE THIS HAS HAPPENED. They cannot stop smiling. "THIS IS SO JOYFUL!" they continue to shriek at the top of their lungs and just when I thought they were finally starting to wind down, one of the adorable children jumped up and started doing an elaborate dance he called the "WE WON!-WE WON!-WE ARE SO HAPPY!" dance and now it is as if they were just told of their Oscar win for the first time all over again. As I type this they have lifted my husband up over their heads, twirling him around and around chanting "ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE! ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!"

Just Kidding,
Mrs. Someone Had To Say It

The Worst Of The Bad Things = True

Elements of the equation for why I am doubtful I will be able to sleep tonight without periodically breaking out in a flop sweat and screaming "NO!" every hour or so:


1. frosted hair, cabbage patch doll Barbara Walters, lisp
2. Hugh Jackman
3. squinty eyes that she thinks translate to "I am a probing investigator-interviewer, so GET OUT DA WAY, I am not washed up yet"
4. blah blah blah blah struggle blah blah blah blah are you gay? blah blah blah remember when YOU GAVE ME A LAP DANCE
5. odd, 70's gyration and old lady giggling

And I'm thinking now overall the evening was filled with some nice entertainment and then Barbara has to go and RUIN everything by finishing off her 3 seconds of freaky interview segments and 9 hours of commercials in between with Hugh Jackman giving her a lap dance. Where is her ADVISOR? What about Dan Rather? Isn't he still giving her hints about how not to make people need tranquilizers because you've upset them with the images you've carelessly splashed across their televisions?

Barbara did not listen.

Regretfully,
That lady in the corner mumbling to her shoe

Bear Grylls Is So Brave He Eats Bear Poop = True

We've started off our GLORIOUS WEEKEND by doing the usual and incredibly satisfying activities:

1. Walk through neighborhood conducting Nicest House, Creepiest House Contest
2. Evaluation, reconstruction and freshening up of all candles to prepare the house before dinner
3. Eat dinner
4. Watch a Man vs Wild with Bear Grylls that we have not seen yet

Just when I'm thinking "I don't think it's possible to be more content this evening" Bear starts eating a big pile of bear poop and he follows this activity up with giving us advice about what to do if a brown bear is "coming at you" which involves RUNNING and throwing something down "for it to sniff" and I'm thinking:

NUMBER ONE: PLEASE PLEASE no never never ever have me be like Bear and be in the Romanian forest near Transylvania eating bear doo.

NUMBER TWO: If I am EVER even CLOSE to a bear please make sure that I, unlike Bear Grylls, have a machine gun, Hummer and many hundreds of helpers with guns to keep me good and gosh darn safe.

NUMBER THREE: Instead of going into the woods all by my lonesome like Bear, please let me be in the warmth of my tub drinking my tea waiting to eat my Peppermint Patties because I would FREEZE WITH TERROR if I did what Bear Grylls does.

My husband, on the other hand, plays the important role of poking holes in Bear's strategies and situations and activities which can be very precarious and highly unbelievable and not unlike some of our camping trips. According to my husband.

And that's why we LOVE to start the weekend off watching Man vs Wild.

Dutifully yours,
Junior Senator from somewhere serious

Things I Don't Understand, Items 16 thru 18

16. Handlebar moustaches
17. Houses with curtains on the outside
18. Water parks

Concerned Cooper

Seconds before this photo was taken he was informed that this Sunday at the Academy Awards Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will all be attending the same event for the first time. And Jennifer's date will be John Mayer.

"I thought I got nervous diarrhea tummy. Can you even imagine how Jen must feel?" he said.

Tuesday Confession

I hate Rachel Madow.

You heard me.

As you were,
The Outcast

ValenTyne Daly = Good, True

I saw a bumper sticker today that said:

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE AREN'T THINGS

Clever. Although dangerously inaccurate. I wonder if the person with that bumper sticker has ever seen, tasted or used any of the following:

1. The remote control
2. 98% of the inventory in Smart & Final
3. A new bath mat
4. Diet Peach Snapple
5. Cloth napkins
6. Hydrangea bouquets
7. Twinings Orange Pekoe
8. Netflix (when managed properly)
9. Evenly burning lilac smelling candles
10. 100% cotton socks that fit perfectly
11. Neutrogena face soap
12. Girard's Champagne salad dressing
13. Digital cameras
14. Sven clogs
15. Rugs that pull rooms together
16. Sharpies
17. Index cards
18. The Naked Bee Body Lotion
18. Cream colored table cloths
19. Turtlenecks that neither choke nor hang too loosely
20. Good nail clippers
21. Harpers Magazine
22. Wall calenders with photographs of National Parks
23. Tents that don't leak when it rains
24. Stuart Weitzman boots
25. Q-tips

I suppose I could live without these items but life would be a lot more drudgey and depressing. I may be totally out of it but I can't think of anything more satisfying that knowing for sure that the most reliable and sturdy zip locks are Glad by far. Now if I were not a Thing Person how would I know that? I wouldn't. So, what have we learned today? We have learned that there should be a new bumper sticker that should say:

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE USUALLY FOR SALE AT ANTHROPOLOGIE OR VONS OR MARSHALLS OR PATAGONIA OR RITE-AID OR ON MONTANA AVENUE OR IF YOU HAVE A MONTH OFF AND THE PATIENCE OF A BRAIN SURGEON AND YOUR MARRIAGE IS ROCK SOLID---IKEA AND ROSS

Sincerely,
Mayor of Non-Generic Tylenol

What Fridays Are = True

Fridays, to me, are:

1. Frosty snowflakes tickling my bum
2. Goodness and sweet smiles from elves who clean my toilet bowl (at no charge!)
3. Peaceful, twinkly lights that line the tunnel of my consciousness as I drift off to nappy sleep toward that Shangri-La known as Saturday Morning


Dearly,
Queen of Relax Time

Things I Don't Understand, Items 13 thru 15

13. Powdered milk
14. The name "Pervis"
15. Sweatpants with elastic around the ankles

Sincerely,
Sue the Quickest Mule