Things I Don't Understand, Items 73 thru 75

73. Thomas Kincade paintings
74. What happened to Ted Nugent to make him that way
75. Laughter Yoga

Cooper Being Eminem

Since finishing his latest album Color Me Furious he has been impossible to live with---bossing us around and threatening us if we don't act like we're his servants.

"It is not our fault you chose to do Porgy and Bess set to rap," we say, in our defense.

He just brandishes a sharp weapon and accuses us of ruining his puffy jacket by putting it in the dryer.

"DAWGS: I WILL CUT YOU!" he yells.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

My husband recently took a Post-It note, wrote the letter "B" in magic marker on it and then put this over the "H" on a very large Hummer that is parked in his work parking lot so that the word HUMMER became the word BUMMER.

My question to you is do you think that this now qualifies him as a reckless vandal or do you think he should have used several more Post-It notes in order to spell out T-E-E-N-S-Y-W-E-I-N-E-R on the hood of this Hummer?
---Concerned Posse of Two

Dear Posse,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Sometimes when I want to stretch my math muscle I put on this pair of 400 year old Victoria's Secret grey pajama bottom/sweatpants I have with a pinkish Ajax bleach stain on one leg along with a baggy t-shirt that says "ALIVE" on it in red and yellow letters and I put my hair in a ponytail and stuff it under my favorite blue baseball cap making it appear that I am bald and I go to Whole Foods or CVS or Home Depot and I count the number of times I get called Ma'am.

I like that I make it a game. It's fun. And I learn, because I'm counting to at least a thousand hundred million.

Buoy Up,
Tube Sock Tillie

Name = Odd

Craig Beaglehole

It's true. I read it in the Image section of the LA Times.

While Mister Beaglehole spends his time analyzing how or if $3.99 lipstick from Rite-Aid can ruin a gal's image I'm thinking he needs a stylist to tend to that name of his because what we have there is an alarming lack of elegance.

Sincerely,
Leader of the Cowl Neck Sweaters Are Never Okay Movement

Things I Don't Understand, Items 70 thru 72

70. Drum solos
71. Why, when I drop the back of my earring, it ends up 45 feet away under a piece of furniture
72. Kenny G

Cooper Being Abe Vigoda in The Godfather

Here he is seen preparing for his scene with Robert Duvall.

"Oy gevalt, that day," he says, remembering the pain of being a method actor.

"That nincompoop Bobby Duvall was so serious about showing me who was boss he followed me around all morning karate chopping me in the back of the neck. I think that's when I developed my slouch," he laments.

Things Of Which I Am 100% Certain

1. Cow tipping is cruel
2. kd lange likes herself some ladies
3. There is never a moment of the day or night when the parking lot of Trader Joes is not a three ring circus

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I'm starting a new business and the new business will be a consulting firm with the sole purpose of helping other business owners choose a name for their store or shop. Sadly, I am too late in coming to the aid of the following merchants:

SPUDNUT DONUTS

DRESS BARN

THREE DRUNKEN GOATS RESTAURANT

Hold please,
Gordon the Hateful Customer Care Specialist

Cooper Being Faye Dunaway in Bonnie and Clyde

Somewhere between Lone Pine and Lee Vining he became a gun wielding hooligan--- cursing, carousing and drinking more booze than Lee Marvin in Paint Your Wagon, all the while wearing a gorgeous tea length skirt and fishnet hose.

When we expressed concern about his fugitive behavior he only sneered and stuffed another paw-full of chewing tobacco in his jowls.

"You never saw nobody shoot up nothin' before?" he asked.

Then he ordered us to shut our sissy faces, get in the car and drive.