Things I Don't Understand, Items 79 thru 81

79. Clove cigarettes
80. The NRA
81. Why shoe horns never caught on

Cooper Being Ben Cross in Chariots of Fire

"Do you have any idea how much sand went up my nose filming those running scenes?" he asks, when we wax romantic about that movie and the slow motion and the theme song.

"TO THIS DAY I have terrible sinus problems from a piece of algae that remains lodged in my left nostril," he says.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I'm terrified about what will happen when and if the coverage about Michael Jackson's death ends. What do you think will be on television when this happens? Will elevators and traffic lights still work? Will all of it just stop, without a peep from Marlon or Blanket or the Neverland Ranch plant sculptors? I've tried to get answers to these questions from my friends and family but they tell me I'm crazy and to stop worrying because the coverage about Michael Jackson's death will never end...EVER. Do you think they're right or should I prepare myself for life without Continuous, Breaking, Exclusive, Latest and Never Before Seen Michael Jackson coverage?
---Mixed Up and Drooling In Fort Ord

Dear Drooling,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Things I Like More Than Karl Rove

1. Assembling furniture from IKEA with only my feet
2. Open casket funerals
3. Pollution flavored Snapple
4. Being stuck in an elevator with Siegfried, Roy and their unpredictable tiger
5. Doing the Running Of The Bulls on a Pogo stick

Saturday Survey

IMPERATIVES:

Wheat Thins or Wheatables?

Cheese Nips or Cheez-Its?

Vanity Fair or Newsweek? (oops wrong survey)

Drops or Dots?

Mango or White Nectarine?

Peppermint Patties or Junior Mints?

Baskin Robbins or Cold Stone?

Eudora Welty or Flannery O'Connor? (oops wrong survey)

Pringles or Baked Lays?

Life is a series of choices,
Dierdre Dippman
Semi Best Selling Author, Gone Snackin'! and Give Me Kettle Corn or Give Me Death

Friday Conclusion

Maybe it's because I grew up with a mother who had the manipulative prowess of Scarlett O'Hara on crack but when I hear someone in a meeting say "To be honest" I immediately think: BIG FAT LIAR.

And then that happened,
Cissy the Wall-Eyed Rhino

Things I Don't Understand, Items 76 thru 78

76. Neighborhood houses that REEK of garlic and sides of beef frying no matter what time of day you walk past
77. Why Jelly Belly jelly beans aren't more accurately called Armpit Beans
78. People that go "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" all the time

Cooper Being Bindi Irwin

"I like cherry soda pop, The Jonas Brothers and strangling 90 foot pythons with my pigtails," he says, not minding the Howler monkeys nibbling at his ankles.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

My husband and I consider ourselves to be very compassionate, open-minded members of society and, needless to say, we DO NOT believe in these so called Death Panels all the churlish white people are yelling about at Town Hall meetings. We are members of the local Soup For Sinners Charity and often make hefty contributions to Unicef in order to get those cute little cards that look like someone was drunk when they drew them. We aren't the all time best recyclers and I do use aerosol hairspray but OVERALL we are good, kind people and recently we were brainstorming (the way well-rounded, civilized, bright people tend to do) and we were wondering if you are aware of the existence of a Death Panel Suggestion Box or something along those lines, if you will. Do you think it would be possible for us to submit a coupla three or five or ten names or so?
---Tense As All Get Out In Tulsa

Dear Tense,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Confession

There is a scene at the end of the movie Endless Love where Brooke Shields is walking across a youth detention center parking lot with the wind in her hair looking rather hopeful and you realize---Wow. After all the drama and the awfulness she still loves him. She still is true to him and is willing to endure whatever hardship loving him may cause. I GUESS THEIR LOVE REALLY IS ENDLESS.

That could totally be me in that scene because even though they can give me terrible stomach aches and awful gas, that's exactly how I feel about garbanzo beans.