Cooper Being a Sensitive Valentine

"No liver scented roses?" he asks, before storming out of the house.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 133 thru 135

133. Peach Schnapps
134. Why the joy of exfoliation must be so short-lived
135. Gummi bears

Cooper Being Barbra Streisand

Here he is seen daydreaming about playing footsie with James Brolin and how to cure the stage fright induced projectile diarrhea that has plagued him since Funny Girl.

"There are times when I think I, alone, keep Depends in business," he says, looking extremely discouraged.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

This evening my husband and I heard a report on Keith Olberman involving Gary Coleman and the fact that there are NO nude photographs of him on the Internet. We would have otherwise dismissed this as a horrible scheme to break the hearts of all humans everywhere but the source of this report was GARY COLEMAN HIMSELF so, knowing that we must now accept this revolting reality---THAT THERE WILL BE NO NUDE PHOTOGRAPHS OF GARY COLEMAN FOR VIEWING---do you know if there will be a FEMA sponsored Regroup-Recover-Rebuild Movement or will the Red Cross simply provide constant grief counseling at various stadiums throughout the country?
---Seriously Considering Smothering Ourselves in Snohomish

Dear Ourselves,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Hi. I'm a Sunflower and here is my To-Do List:

1. Wake up, practice Happy Round Ruffle Face in the mirror
2. Purchase wire for wilty neck muscles
3. Attend the Are Your Petals As Fanned As They Could Be? lecture at The Sunflower Institute
4. Submit curriculum vitae to florist for upcoming Simon-Berman wedding, prepare for "Peonies-Roses-Gardenias Only" rejection letter
5. Finish reading Yellow Like Me

Saturday Public Service Announcement

IF YOU DON'T THROW IT, WHO WILL?

Friday Conclusion

I've overcome many obstacles in my life---the least of which include a sister that would not keep her greedy monkey paws off my clothes during High School and a mother who had the annoying habit of purchasing not one, but two, Pintos and a Monza.

You would think that such adversity would have steeled me against the harsh terrain of life's landscape but you would be wrong. You see, nothing prepares a person for the stark cruelty that must be endured when one mutters, under one's breath at lunch over tacos at Rubios, that one is not fond and actually hates the whole guitar solo thing.

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

REGARDLESS OF ANY HARDSHIP YOU MIGHT HAVE ENDURED, IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, IF YOU TAKE THE CHANCE OF ADMITTING THAT YOU DON'T LIKE JIMI HENDRIX, YOU MUST BE PREPARED FOR DEPORTATION.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 130 thru 132

130. When people have nine thousand stuffed animals in the back of their car
131. STOMP!
132. The movement to recycle toilet water into drinking water

Cooper Being Eugene O'Neill

This photo, taken moments before he threw the pages of his unpublished manuscript My Nose Is A Compass all over his living room floor and then staggered down the street and vomited into his neighbor's hydrangea, captures the famously reclusive author's unparalleled need for solitude. And bourbon.

"Oh, F Off!," he could be heard screaming, for no good reason.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Listen up and listen very carefully. If you happen to run into Quentin Tarentino without advance notice and you have no idea what to say or do here are two suggestions you might consider:

1. Say "Hello Quentin. How are you? It is nice to see you. Do you miss being boyfriend and girlfriend with Mira Sorvino?"

OR

2. Gather up several of your finest cashmere sweaters and approach the human armoire furniture face that is Quentin Tarentino and ask him if you can place your clothing in the drawer that seems to be his chin.

Best Wishes For Your Continued Success,
Viv the Far Sighted Seamstress