Saturday SlobberLove

Take a moment.

Light an aromatherapy candle.

Breath deep. Deep into your chest and abdomen and spleen and then down, down, down toward your Ugg boots.

Settle your mind. Your body. Your bowels.

Now. Think about what your life would be like without:

PAPER TOWELS

Then feeeeeeel the gratitude.

Namaste,
Gary the Gregarious

Things I Don't Understand, Items 142 thru 144

142. What it is about Jonathan Rhys Meyers + Airports that equals booze filled brawls and random acts of urination
143. When things are catty-corner
144. Why someone doesn't yell SHUT UP! or do that thing where you karate chop someone in the back of the knees when a filibuster gets going

Cooper Being Genevieve Bujold in Earthquake

"The scariest moment of my career was being stuck at the Craft Services table with Charleton Heston while he discussed his views on the Trickle Down Theory," he says, reflecting on the horror show that Tinseltown can be.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 139 thru 141

139. Borscht
140. Books like "How To Rule the World From Your Couch"
141. Pet ferrets

Cooper Being Hilary Swank in Amelia

"I do not believe that any person can have trousers that are TOO high waisted," he says, quoting the famous gap toothed pilot.

Monday Charades

I'm going to do an imitation of something and you guess what it is, ok?
Here we go. What am I?

DEAR SO AND SO,

HELLO! HOW ARE YOU. DID YOU KNOW THAT 9 GAZILLION HUNDRED THOUSAND PIGEON TOED SENIOR CITIZENS LOSE THEIR SHOES EVERY DAY? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T LET THESE SENIOR CITIZENS GO SHOELESS. PLEASE FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER KNOWN IN ORDER FOR THE ELDERLY TO KEEP THEIR PRECIOUS ZAPATAS.

IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE TIME TO FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AND YOU ONLY FORWARD THIS TO:

ONE MILLION PEOPLE---YOU WILL JUST BARELY ESCAPE A LIFE LIVED IN THE GUTTER, BEGGING FOR SCRAPS OF LEFTOVER BACON

ONE THOUSAND PEOPLE---YOU WILL BE KIDNAPPED BY THE MAFIA AND SERVE AS THE MAID TO A HIDEOUS DRUG LORD WHO HAS AN OBSESSION WITH CLEAN TOILETS

ONE HUNDRED PEOPLE---YOU WILL LOSE YOUR EYES WITHIN TWO WEEKS

ONE PERSON---YOU WILL HAVE THE WORST CASE OF GAS ANYONE HAS EVER HAD. IT WILL BE LOUD, STINKY CESSPOOL GAS AND YOU WILL HAVE THIS SONIC BOOM GAS AT YOUR WEDDING AND ON YOUR HONEYMOON YOU WILL BE TAKEN HOSTAGE BY ANGRY NATIVES AND THEY WILL USE YOU AS THE MAIN INGREDIENT IN THEIR STINKY HUMAN STEW

SO FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW, OKAY! AND DO THIS WITHIN THE NEXT THREE MINUTES OR YOU'LL BE FUCKING SORRY :)

Ok, that is the end of my imitation and your entire clue.
What am I?

Friday Conclusion

I'm not telling you how to live your life but trust me when I tell you that you WILL become an outcast if you share your heartfelt admiration for the "Let's Hear It For the Boy" scene in Footloose.

If you do not heed this warning and one day the conversation drifts toward the subject of John Lithgow or proms in barns or Kevin Bacon's hair and you blurt out Oh! That scene on the football field when Chris Penn is learning how to dance! I just love that scene!---if you say this IN YOUR OUT LOUD VOICE, there will be a price to pay.

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

IN ORDER TO CARRY OUT YOUR MISSION THERE WILL BE TIMES WHEN YOU AND ONLY YOU WILL KNOW YOUR SECRET IDENTITY AND YOU MUST NEVER REVEAL THIS TO ANYONE. EVER.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 136 thru 138

136. Satin sheets
137. What needs to be on your resume in order to secure the job of umbrella holder for Christina Aguilera
138. The phrase "Have a good one"

Cooper Being the Guitar Player From AC/DC

Now residing at So Young! Retirement Village, he still wears his famous school boy outfit 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.

"Why fix what isn't broken?" he asks, before pitching forward into his walker.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Do you think the people responsible for the layout at IKEA were going for a feeling that mimicked the terrifying maze scene in The Shining or did they simply want to create a gargantuan public place where couples could go and get infuriated with one another in front of onlookers---kind of like a giant Argument Zoo?
---In Need of a Martini in Mackinac

Dear Need,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake