Cooper Being Meryl Streep in The Bridges of Madison County

In the last heartbreaking scene he steals one last glimpse of his secret lover at a neighborhood gas station.

"Oh, to wear many aprons and drive around taking pictures of bridges with a complete stranger," he says, weeping.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I am writing to you for help.  I am a happily married woman.  I don't believe in "soul mates" per se (truth be told---I don't believe in people who actually use the phrase "per se" but that would involve an entirely different question) but what I was saying was I am thrilled and content with my mate --- HOWEVER --- I believe I might be completely and totally IN LOVE with Kate Middleton.  Is it me or is she just the FRESHEST FACE PERSON YOU HAVE EVER SEEN? And I know I might be biased but she seems to exude pure and total CLASS and SOPHISTICATION in a way that does not alienate but makes you want to either go on a shopping jaunt with her or go to the nearest pub and get plastered---BUT IN A REFINED WAY---like The Bee's Knees Way, which is why I am tea and crumpets smitten with the stalwart and beautiful Kate.  THE FUTURE QUEEN OF ENGLAND.  My question to you is:  do you think I am delusional or do I stand a chance with Ms. Middleton?
---Simply Starstruck in South Hampton

Dear Starstruck,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Ok so here's the deal people.  You need to listen up and you need to listen up good. 

If you want to be thought of as a loving person or an enlightened human being who believes in magic and sorcery and freedom, you must NOT (!) ---UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES reveal the fact that hummingbirds really bug you and you do not find them charming.

When in doubt---run,
Olive Outcast

Saturday SlobberLove

It's hard to know how or why or when (exactly) it happens, really, but there are moments in life that telegraph to me from some other point in time that --- it will all be okay.

Regardless of previous hardships and heartaches and unrelenting doubt.
Regardless of her and him and that and it.

Regardless---there are times when I feel empty and whole at the same time. Like maybe the sky seems especially blue and I remember that there have been so many times that I am not as hopeless as I may think.

It is these moments that I live for and that I wish I could run toward and JUMP ON with knees around and arms around---tackling to the ground. PLEASE MAKE ME KNOW THAT I WILL BE OKAY AND I WILL MAKE IT DOWN THIS CONFUSING, FULL PATH---UNSCATHED is what I want to say.

But the adventure is that I get these Calm Knowing Moments once every five hundred years approximately and so I am forever poised, in the midst of my working on my worry mind like a scholar, like Goodbye Mr. Chips, waiting and hoping and excited for those moments when I greet Absolute and Unencumbered Cozy and I know that the entire winding weird scary road trip is invariably worth it regardless of the fact that I need to avoid MSG even though it brings me so much Happy.

Oh go on with your bad self,
Duchess of Schmaltz

Things I Don't Understand, Items 288 thru 290

288. Kelly Osbourne's cheeks
289. Why you rarely see performers sneeze in the middle of a song
290. When people refer to an old person as "98 years young!"

The Cupcake Lessons

Researchers and scientists, for decades, have been recommending that individuals think about what nickname they would choose should they be forced to choose one and I have finally narrowed my list down to these Top Five Possible Nicknames:

1. SNAZZ PANTS
2. Mrs. Worry
3. Breezy Breezerson
4. Laugh-o-Smasher
5. Her Royal Highness

May the Force Be With You,
Alfie Affirmation

Sunday Prayer

Dear God,

I know your docket is full but if reincarnation is true and we get a bunch of go rounds being different stuff could you make sure that I, under no circumstances, come back as a Shetland pony?  There is no way on earth I could handle having bangs that heavy.

Thank you in advance for your help.

Sincerely,
Cupcake

Things I Don't Understand, Items 285 thru 287

285. The depth of  Shakira's sex appeal
286. Why you never hear about canker sores anymore
287. When you're in your car at a light waiting to turn left and there is no opportunity to go without risking life and limb and the driver behind you honks like an asshole because he's in a hurry

Cooper On His Way To Wisconsin

"WHATEVER HAPPENS TO THE LEAST OF THEM HAPPENS TO ME!" he shouts from the bus window---a gleam of angry hope in his eyes.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I realize that it is an unavoidable reality that Ryan Seacrest is taking over the world but I was wondering if you could offer any guidance on how a small family might protect themselves once we are under Supreme Seacrest Oligarchy Rule.  Do you advise building a mud hut and living under a freeway overpass or would it be better to move to Antarctica and try to create a life communing with vicious sea eels?
---Tweaked Out In Tehachapi

Dear Tweaked,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake