Cooper Being Natalie Portman in Black Swan

"I don't have a mental illness. And neither do I," he shrieks, just before he eats his tutu.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Helpful Hints:

1. Avoid passing gas in a job interview
2. Always and forever: rethink giggling
3. Remember that, although they are called sandals, if you wear them ON sand you will undoubtedly become weary
4. Nothing good ever came from a perm
5. If you decide that you want to be a person with no fear and you sit in front of the TV in order to catch of glimpse of Russell Brand smiling so you can exhibit your fearlessness of GIANT GUMS the size of Half Dome make sure that you do this before you have eaten

Stalwartly Yours,
Nancy Nausea

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes---in the hours just before we enter into Daylight Savings Time---we think about The Farmers and we bow down to them and we wonder out loud: Do you think The Farmers will interfere with any sharky toy throwing once Spring has commenced?

AND WE PRAY TO ALL THAT IS HOLY THAT THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION IS NO.

And then, in the quiet of what is left of winter, we hope and wonder and dream and plead for all the lightness in the world to come to us this spring and if we could we would find our old 8 track cassette of Kenny Loggins singing Keep The Fire and we'd listen to that mullet wearing Mo-Fo sing his heart out and we'd spell it out for ourselves plain and simple like some secret letter sent to us from a faraway wise land telling us that it will all be Good---No Matter What.

And then--- and only then--- we'd feel properly ready to welcome Spring.

Rock on and rock often,
Sergeant Geekstein

Things I Don't Understand, Items 291 thru 293

291. Appletinis
292. Powder blue anything
293. Giblets

Cooper Being Meryl Streep in The Bridges of Madison County

In the last heartbreaking scene he steals one last glimpse of his secret lover at a neighborhood gas station.

"Oh, to wear many aprons and drive around taking pictures of bridges with a complete stranger," he says, weeping.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I am writing to you for help.  I am a happily married woman.  I don't believe in "soul mates" per se (truth be told---I don't believe in people who actually use the phrase "per se" but that would involve an entirely different question) but what I was saying was I am thrilled and content with my mate --- HOWEVER --- I believe I might be completely and totally IN LOVE with Kate Middleton.  Is it me or is she just the FRESHEST FACE PERSON YOU HAVE EVER SEEN? And I know I might be biased but she seems to exude pure and total CLASS and SOPHISTICATION in a way that does not alienate but makes you want to either go on a shopping jaunt with her or go to the nearest pub and get plastered---BUT IN A REFINED WAY---like The Bee's Knees Way, which is why I am tea and crumpets smitten with the stalwart and beautiful Kate.  THE FUTURE QUEEN OF ENGLAND.  My question to you is:  do you think I am delusional or do I stand a chance with Ms. Middleton?
---Simply Starstruck in South Hampton

Dear Starstruck,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Ok so here's the deal people.  You need to listen up and you need to listen up good. 

If you want to be thought of as a loving person or an enlightened human being who believes in magic and sorcery and freedom, you must NOT (!) ---UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES reveal the fact that hummingbirds really bug you and you do not find them charming.

When in doubt---run,
Olive Outcast

Saturday SlobberLove

It's hard to know how or why or when (exactly) it happens, really, but there are moments in life that telegraph to me from some other point in time that --- it will all be okay.

Regardless of previous hardships and heartaches and unrelenting doubt.
Regardless of her and him and that and it.

Regardless---there are times when I feel empty and whole at the same time. Like maybe the sky seems especially blue and I remember that there have been so many times that I am not as hopeless as I may think.

It is these moments that I live for and that I wish I could run toward and JUMP ON with knees around and arms around---tackling to the ground. PLEASE MAKE ME KNOW THAT I WILL BE OKAY AND I WILL MAKE IT DOWN THIS CONFUSING, FULL PATH---UNSCATHED is what I want to say.

But the adventure is that I get these Calm Knowing Moments once every five hundred years approximately and so I am forever poised, in the midst of my working on my worry mind like a scholar, like Goodbye Mr. Chips, waiting and hoping and excited for those moments when I greet Absolute and Unencumbered Cozy and I know that the entire winding weird scary road trip is invariably worth it regardless of the fact that I need to avoid MSG even though it brings me so much Happy.

Oh go on with your bad self,
Duchess of Schmaltz

Things I Don't Understand, Items 288 thru 290

288. Kelly Osbourne's cheeks
289. Why you rarely see performers sneeze in the middle of a song
290. When people refer to an old person as "98 years young!"

The Cupcake Lessons

Researchers and scientists, for decades, have been recommending that individuals think about what nickname they would choose should they be forced to choose one and I have finally narrowed my list down to these Top Five Possible Nicknames:

1. SNAZZ PANTS
2. Mrs. Worry
3. Breezy Breezerson
4. Laugh-o-Smasher
5. Her Royal Highness

May the Force Be With You,
Alfie Affirmation