Current area of research:
How can we know which is scarier for a child?
1. Watching Janis Joplin sing Me and Bobby McGee
2. Hell's Angels
3. Trying to understand what, exactly, a kiln is
4. Indian burns
5. Sitting in front of Brian Paperney, The Sudden and Frequent Vomiter
Quizzically yours,
Professor Plop
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Saturday Survey
Is it possible to cut a mango without losing your mind?
I'm just asking.
We're bad people,
"Mango Splitter" Design Team
I'm just asking.
We're bad people,
"Mango Splitter" Design Team
Friday, June 26, 2009
Friday Conclusion
Yesterday, Mister Cupcake and I had to venture from our hood into Beverly Hills and as we were walking down Camden Drive we passed several women who had that look of burn victims---they'd had so much plastic surgery. Like their faces weren't finished. Little teensy weensy marble noses, smeary jello fish mouths and perpetually alarmed expressions.
Also: VERY LARGE BAZOOMS. Mountain range bazooms. Bazooms that I'm certain enabled these women to skirt around the air bag law for cars.
"They should call this place Booberly Hills," said Mister Cupcake.
"They should," I agreed.
Which brings me to Friday's Conclusion:
MISTER CUPCAKE AND I ARE RUNNING FOR CITY COUNCIL.
Also: VERY LARGE BAZOOMS. Mountain range bazooms. Bazooms that I'm certain enabled these women to skirt around the air bag law for cars.
"They should call this place Booberly Hills," said Mister Cupcake.
"They should," I agreed.
Which brings me to Friday's Conclusion:
MISTER CUPCAKE AND I ARE RUNNING FOR CITY COUNCIL.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Cooper Being a Shut-In
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Ever since seeing Joan Rivers on Larry King two nights ago, he has been locked in his room buried under the covers.
"I can't get the image of her creepy plastic doll face out of my mind," he whimpers. "Now please, go get me another blanket."
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Tuesday Expert Advice
Dear Cupcake,
Recently, I've noticed an overwhelming number of mildly terrifying commercials for a pill called Cialis. This pill apparently causes middle aged couples to gaze slyly at each other as if they've just won tickets to a Journey concert or to suddenly throw their heads back with laughter as they saunter down the street looking like they're about to give each other melvins. Sometimes, the couples are seen romping through a wheat field. Other times they are cuddling on the couch in matching taupe Dockers but ultimately, these couples end up in their own bathtubs about three feet apart amongst various trees and shrubbery.
Cupcake, I know I may be sensitive but these commercials are giving me nightmares and I was wondering---is there any way to make them stop?
---Confused and Revolted In Tampa
Dear Revolted,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake
Recently, I've noticed an overwhelming number of mildly terrifying commercials for a pill called Cialis. This pill apparently causes middle aged couples to gaze slyly at each other as if they've just won tickets to a Journey concert or to suddenly throw their heads back with laughter as they saunter down the street looking like they're about to give each other melvins. Sometimes, the couples are seen romping through a wheat field. Other times they are cuddling on the couch in matching taupe Dockers but ultimately, these couples end up in their own bathtubs about three feet apart amongst various trees and shrubbery.
Cupcake, I know I may be sensitive but these commercials are giving me nightmares and I was wondering---is there any way to make them stop?
---Confused and Revolted In Tampa
Dear Revolted,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake
Monday, June 22, 2009
Monday Judgements and Warnings
On the Third Anniversary Of A Father's Death, best to keep the following in mind:
1. Dispense with the hokey hooha about Time Healing All Wounds and simply take deep breaths more often during the afternoon as you replay the day that was That Day
2. If anyone asks anything of you that you do not feel capable of handling, due to your broken hearted state, simply look them in the eye, lift your arms toward heaven and say (in a booming Moses-ey tone) LEAVE ME ALONE I AM GRIEVING MY DEAD FATHER.
3. Tell yourself he knew you were there on That Day, three years prior to This Day. Tell it to yourself again---that he knew. Tell yourself he is at peace now, even though he would take issue with the fact that you used the phrase at peace to describe him (much like you dispense with the Time Heals All Wounds hooha.) Just tell yourself he is OK now and not struggling to breathe even though you and your sister are not there to help him when he is confused or unbearably fragile. Just keep telling yourself that all old men live and then they die. That it is better to let go of life when the time comes. Even though the time, from your dear, loving perspective will never feel like it was right for him to go.
4. Remind yourself how happy you are that you have his socialist spirit.
5. Think, at least once, of the time you spent four hours at Taylor's discussing the theory---Don't Let The Bastards Get You Down But If They Do---Remember, They're Just Bastards.
6. Really take it in that it does you no good to refer to yourself as THE ORPHAN
7. Eat pizza and add extra tomatoes
8. Regale your husband with tales of The Old Geezer---PRE Old Geezer status
9. Cover yourself with these words, when your husband speaks them: I MISS YOUR DAD. HE WAS SUCH A GREAT MAN.
10. Be fluid with this thought: If only
Go Forth and Plunder,
Princess of Darkness
1. Dispense with the hokey hooha about Time Healing All Wounds and simply take deep breaths more often during the afternoon as you replay the day that was That Day
2. If anyone asks anything of you that you do not feel capable of handling, due to your broken hearted state, simply look them in the eye, lift your arms toward heaven and say (in a booming Moses-ey tone) LEAVE ME ALONE I AM GRIEVING MY DEAD FATHER.
3. Tell yourself he knew you were there on That Day, three years prior to This Day. Tell it to yourself again---that he knew. Tell yourself he is at peace now, even though he would take issue with the fact that you used the phrase at peace to describe him (much like you dispense with the Time Heals All Wounds hooha.) Just tell yourself he is OK now and not struggling to breathe even though you and your sister are not there to help him when he is confused or unbearably fragile. Just keep telling yourself that all old men live and then they die. That it is better to let go of life when the time comes. Even though the time, from your dear, loving perspective will never feel like it was right for him to go.
4. Remind yourself how happy you are that you have his socialist spirit.
5. Think, at least once, of the time you spent four hours at Taylor's discussing the theory---Don't Let The Bastards Get You Down But If They Do---Remember, They're Just Bastards.
6. Really take it in that it does you no good to refer to yourself as THE ORPHAN
7. Eat pizza and add extra tomatoes
8. Regale your husband with tales of The Old Geezer---PRE Old Geezer status
9. Cover yourself with these words, when your husband speaks them: I MISS YOUR DAD. HE WAS SUCH A GREAT MAN.
10. Be fluid with this thought: If only
Go Forth and Plunder,
Princess of Darkness
Friday, June 19, 2009
Friday Conclusion
If there was an epic movie made about my life based on the characters from Camelot, Gwenivere would be played by a Pepperidge Farm Mint Milano cookie, Haagen Dazs Coffee ice cream would be Lancelot, Merlin would be portrayed by a Creamsicle, Cool Ranch Doritos would be the Knights of the Round Table and a large Peppermint Patty would be King Arthur.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Things I Don't Understand, Items 55 thru 57
55. The luge
56. Edible Arrangement bouquets made out of warm cantaloupe
57. Ritchie Sambora's hair
56. Edible Arrangement bouquets made out of warm cantaloupe
57. Ritchie Sambora's hair
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Cooper Being Abducted By Aliens
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In this photo, the last image taken before he was enveloped by a radiant white light, he is seen gazing into the eyes of an ethereal being (which we now know was an omnipresent beagle.)
He has since communicated with us only a handful of times, using cryptic messages via Facebook.
Cooper is ...following his bliss, eating dirt and licking bird poop off the driveway on planet Milkbone, was his last status update.
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