Cooper Being Katherine Heigl

Sometimes we have to call a locksmith in order to open the bathroom door because he spends hours staring at himself in the mirror gazing into his own eyes and commenting on his timeless beauty.

"Oh go screw yourselves!" he barks, when we beg him to spend two minutes talking about anything other than his 7 For All Mankind jean collection. "If you were this fresh faced and gorgeous you'd do the same thing."

Then he orders us to go get him another pack of American Spirits.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I'm confused that Sarah Palin's new book is called Going Rogue instead of:

Thinking With My Ass and Talking Out My Butt
or
My Hair Is Never Not Like This

Do you think she came up with her title on her own without running it by her pals at the consignment shop and, if so, do you think I could help by contacting her editor with my suggestions?
---Dry Heaving In Downey

Dear Heaving,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

How to be more pioneer-like than cosmopolitan:

1. Go to Bed, Bath and Beyond
2. As you roam the gargantuan Canyonlands National Park aisles think to yourself: Bed, Bath and Beyond the Planet of the Apes is more like it and then giggle to yourself as you stand amongst so many shoe trees, crock pots and upsetting pieces of art
3. Pack nourishment and journey your way back to the check out line, grasping your only purchase: a toilet brush

After You,
Nanette the Erstwhile Browser

Friday Conclusion

Just because my hiking shoes are called North Face Hedgehogs doesn't mean I have to take it personally.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 88 thru 90

88. When people say an infant is flirting
89. the Potent Potables category in Jeopardy
90. Helena Bonham Carter's wardrobe

Cooper Being Fearful Of Tom DeLay On Dancing with the Stars

We made the mistake of NOT turning the channel when Rachel Madow showed the footage of Tom Delay on Dancing with the Stars and this had a profoundly negative impact on Cooper.

"Is it because I constantly hound you to throw my toys? Is that why you made me watch that awful dancing congressman?" he asks, "Is it because you hate me?"

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Is there anything more crunchalicious than a gherkin?
---Crippled With Curiosity in Concord

Dear Crippled,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Recipe

Depresso Zombie Day Ingredients:

11 boxes Kleenex
56 cups, ghostly "where's the outside world?" thoughts
9 tons Food Network Channel
2 boxes Tylenol Cold
890 glasses of water

Some days just go straight into the crapper.

Sincerely,
Professor Clog

Saturday Announcement (PLEASE READ)

I apologize in advance for those of you who will get upset after reading this post as I have not been able to find the right words to make this announcement. Even two days after I was first made aware of what I am about to tell you I am still reeling from concern.

On Thursday September 17, 2009 I had a sinking feeling in my chest for most of the morning, afternoon and evening. When I sat down at my computer that night I read the following headline on MSN.com (Warning: the following sentence has graphic language) ---

BEYONCE CONCERT UPSETS SURI

I did not know what to do when I read this. I awoke the next morning, not remembering what had happened after I read this news because apparently I passed out. I am hoping Suri has recovered although I am not certain. I cannot bring myself to read the newspaper for fear of discovering more awfulness.

Peace be with you,
Kurt the Flatulent Tabby

Friday Conclusion

On our evening walk yesterday, Cooper, Mister Cupcake and I passed several young women sitting on the front stoop of a house and one of the girls had a pair of low cut skin tight jeans on that had the attractive sausage look that is all the rage these days and her butt was kind of poofing out the back like two marshmallows squishing out a tube of toothpaste.

"I wonder what you call it when a woman has plumber's butt---maid's butt?" Mister Cupcake asked, astutely.

"No. Plumbers aren't really the equivalent of maids." I said, intrigued.

We both agreed that we had never heard the term Plumber's Butt applied to a woman but if there were such a term it would frequently come in handy.

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

MISTER CUPCAKE AND I ARE BECOMING LINGUISTS.

Au Revoir,
Bobo the Mule