The Cupcake Resolutions

I'm serious this time. As Marjoe is my witness, I vow to be, do, change, stop, cease, start, overhaul, think, marinate, embroider, stop lying about the following in 2010:

1. When I recklessly cut someone off in traffic while I'm talking to my sister on my cell phone about Tiger Woods and the driver I cut off gets all furious at me because I almost caused a five car collision and I CANNOT BELIEVE how tense that driver is and then four blocks later some ASSHOLE swerves in front of me so I almost rear end them and I'm sure I see them TEXTING and think Where Is a SWAT Team Member When You Need One?and I do a Joe Pesci death sneer to that careless driver with the hope that they spontaneously combust because of their selfish STUPIDNESS---It is this hypocritical vortex I hope to put an end to in 2010

2. More Cauliflower, less Chunky Monkey

3. Forget about trying to figure out Alec Baldwin's hair

4. Accept that I do not look good in hats

5. Say I AM SPARTACUS more

Yours in overflowing hope for nicey nice,
Gerard from the Graveyard Shift

Cooper Being Julie Christie In Doctor Zhivago

"Here I am in the snow wearing my mink stole made of snow waiting for Yuri who I fear may have died in a snowstorm," he says, remembering the harsh conditions during filming.

Things Of Which I Am 100% Certain

1. Santa Claus lives at the North Pole
2. Camilla Parker Bowles needs to use more conditioner
3. It takes exactly 2.5 hours for someone to scratch out the eyes of or draw devil horns on the head of any real estate agent that advertises on a bus stop

Saturday SlobberLove

Mister Cupcake and I played a practical joke on Cooper and told him that, next Christmas, we were going to have to get through the holiday season WITHOUT zip lock bags, creamed horseradish and the Charlie Brown Christmas music.

"But I don't understand---aren't those the Three Wise Men?" he said, tilting his head to the ALARMINGLY PERPLEXED AND SLIGHTLY PANICKED position.

Cooper Being a Moray Eel in The Deep

"To get in touch with the ferocious killer in me I simply thought about squirrels, the mail man and what it feels like to pursue what appears to be discarded treasure under the couch only to discover that it is a two week old piece of lettuce," he says, explaining his creative process.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Sometimes I think I should lead Positive Action Plan Workshops or something.

For example, the other day when I was having a particularly stressful day and my head was swimming in unrealistic thoughts like I Wish I Lived On a Farm In Big Sky Country and I Owned a Charming Diner I turned myself around and pulled my rancid thoughts out of the gutter and I thought AT LEAST I'M NOT AT A BOBBY MCFERRIN CONCERT

And that was the ticket out of Awfulville right there.

Swear to Bea Arthur,
Deputy of Mirth (ish)

Sunday Lecture

If you think you are an adult and you can't be bothered with magic and all that horseshit about Santa Claus then RIGHT NOW I want you to put on your happy shoes, sprint to your automobile, drive to the closest market, pick up a quart of Haagen Dazs Dulce De Leche and eat a good portion of it while you watch something intriguing on television---perhaps a documentary or a segment of 60 Minutes or an old musical---and then tell me you do not know what PEACE ON EARTH is.

Keep Your Eyes On The Prize,
Dean of Unsettled Joy

Things I Don't Understand, Items 115 thru 117

115. Grecian style pants with knee length crotches
116. How that movie Regarding Henry with Harrison Ford and Annette Bening makes it seem like its totally great to get shot in the head
117. Yellow shoes

Cooper Being Beyonce

This photo, taken on the set of his latest Lifetime biopic,
"I Told Jay-Z He Looked Like Scooby-Doo," he reminisces about life before everything went straight down the toilet.

"You can take away the sequins and the yachts and the private jets and the gigantic birthday cakes," he says, "But you can't take away my great gams."

The Cupcake Lessons

After years of unrelenting research I have come to accept that we may never know the answers to the following questions:

1. Are the other pyramids jealous of the Great Pyramid and do they talk behind its back?
2. Were Aunt Bea and Gomer engaged in a passionate May-December love affair that involved spatulas in secret places?
3. How can one comfortably work the word "bejeweled" into daily conversation and still remain unflustered?

To Not Know Is To Know---Or Something,
Head Researcher
Committee To Understand Kid Rock's Hairdo