Things I Don't Understand, Items 312 thru 314

312. Hair plugs
313. Smart Water
314. That freakish smile all the coiffed conservative gals plaster on their faces whenever they get into a heated debate on morning talk shows

Cooper Being Brad Pitt in Fight Club

"First rule of Fight Club was Don't Talk About Fight Club.  Eleventh rule of Fight Club was Never Lick Your Own Butt Hole During Fight Club," he says, wielding a thirty foot long stick.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I am not a Life Coach or a stylist but I can tell you that, if you're doing your spring cleaning and you're getting all gut wrenchy about throwing out certain outfits, all you need to do is accept that the pant suit you're pining for makes you look like Charles Nelson Reilly from MatchGame and then walk directly to the dumpster so you can get on with things more lovely.

Oh Stop Yer Cryin',
Brigadier Bess Bell Bottom

Saturday SlobberLove

During Holy Week we like to remind each other of the meaning of devotion by reciting a parable or two as well as a teaching on Jesus Would Not Stop Throwing Sharky, Ever wherein we instruct the lost ones about the power of hurling things across rooms over and over until vertigo sets in, Amen you may be seated.

Love Means Doing What Is Demanded Of You,
Carl Conditional

Things I Don't Understand, Items 309 thru 311

309. Why Ina Garten doesn't share T.R. with the rest of us
310. Those punk rock mayonnaise commercials that act like mayonnaise is the Sid Vicious of condiments
311. The pall an unruly rogue eyebrow hair casts across the arc of an otherwise joyful life

Cooper Being Morgan Freeman in Driving Miss Daisy

Here he prepares for a particularly challenging scene involving a cul-de-sac, several U-turns and some sweaty parallel parking with a lot of judgemental hipster production assistants watching.

"People think that movie was all sweetness and profundity," he says, remembering the tearjerker box office hit, "but what they don't realize is that Jessica and I were high out of our minds on coke the ENTIRE time tearin' up the place."

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Just as I know that nothing truly happy ever happens if you hike while wearing rayon and high heels, I can safely say that it is approximately one hundred and fifty million percent apparent that Cameron Diaz is turning into a man.

You Talkin' Tuh Me?
Beauregard "Bicep" Weirdy Face

Things I Don't Understand, Items 306 thru 308

306. Votive candles that smell like men's cologne
307. Ann Rice worshippers
308. How GLEEFUL I feel when I hear the song Jump even though Van Halen revolts me

Cooper Being Leslie Howard in Gone With the Wind

"As Ashley Wilkes, my primary focus was trying to understand why Melanie always looked constipated," he says, as a crazed Vivien Leigh attempts to burrow up his left pant leg.

Things I Like More Than Donald Trump

1.  Having my shoulder dislocated
2.  Watching Tim Burton movies from the front row
3.  Somali Coast kayak trips
4.  Getting my hair cut in the dark
5.  Essence of raccoon soup