Friday Conclusion

If I were forced to become a bigamist and marry a condiment I would wed kosher salt on a crisp afternoon in late September, gazing toward Half Dome from Glacier Point, wearing a garland of peonies whilst strumming a ukulele.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 106 thru 108

106. Gigantic white Cadillac Escalades with gold piping
107. Petting Zoos
108. Reba McEntire's psychotically unrelenting spunk

Cooper Being Willem Dafoe in Platoon

"One time. On the set. I punched an innocent key grip in the face for calling me 'William'," he says reminiscing about how he clarified things for "that fool ass face" who mispronounced his name.

"I said 'MY NAME IS WILLEM, ASSHOLE. THAT'S DUTCH, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW AND I STUDIED DRAMA AT THE UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN-MILWAUKEE SO GO SCREW YOURSELF!' Then I kind of looked at him like he was a piece of poo face lint. I mean, if THAT'S not bravery I don't know what is."

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Today, I read the following heart wrenching headline on Yahoo and I have not been able to stop sobbing since because it is SO SAD. Here. I've cut and pasted the headline so you can read it but first I'll wait for you to go get several decorative boxes of Kleenex...OK. I feel that you are ready. Here goes. Make sure you are sitting down and prepare yourself. Read it and weep:

Vick Not Happy As An Eagles Player

Isn't that the SADDEST thing you've ever read? That poor guy is not happy as an Eagle. I can't say it without tearing up. Well, seeing as I am a TAKE ACTION kind of person I've thought of several things Michael Vick might do to find more fulfillment:

Choice #1: HUMAN SUPPOSITORY FOR RUSH LIMBAUGH'S BUTT

Choice #2: THE PERSON IN CHARGE OF FEEDING DAVID HASSELHOFF HAMBURGERS WHEN HE GOES ON A BENDER

Choice #3: GREAT WHITE SHARK MASSEUSE

Choice #4: JAMIE LEE CURTIS'S PERSONAL TOILET PLUNGER

Yours in hopeful prayer,
Kirk the Continually Perplexed Bloodhound

Saturday SlobberLove

Saturday mornings are filled with joy and happiness in The Cupcake Household and not just because we can linger with our coffee and not worry about whether or not we will have a peaceful, private doodie BEFORE we go to work.

There are also things like Saturday morning walks down to the water and oatmeal and various dreams of organization but the thing we love most about Saturday morning is listening to Ira Glass weave more amazing stories together on This American Life.

"AGAIN! AGAIN! LET'S HEAR IT AGAIN!" yells Cooper, warning me not to breathe one word about those hideous claustrophobic podcasts.

"Oh, don't you worry my little hound. The rebroadcast will be on tomorrow," I reply.

Friday Conclusion

Matthew McConaughey, The Celebrity Who Appears To Be Most Unlike Me, occasionally takes breaks from playing bongos in the nude to walk out to his mailbox in his bathrobe, never forgetting the Number One Rule Of jk livin: HEY PRETTY LADY.

Well, that may not be a rule but jk livin and Matthew are not about rules, man.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 103 thru 105

103. When you hear someone say their own name and it seems like they're pronouncing it wrong
104. Cinnamon bun or strawberry cheesecake scented candles
105. Farfegnugen

Cooper Being a Hand Model

"The hardest part is staying completely still when I have the urge to drag my butt across the rug like I do at home when no one is looking," he says, describing his new career.

The Cupcake Lessons

As you may or may not know, I am a Nobel Prize winning Scientist(ish) and I have recently concluded several vigorous and annoying experiments in the laboratory involving Lonesome Dove, the mini series from the late 80's, and have proven the following:

1. Once the Lonesome Dove train has left the station, if you are not ON that train that has left the station, there is NO WAY to board that train further on down the line.
2. There tend to be TWO TYPES of people. Those who have a deep and abiding love for Lonesome Dove (Dove Lovers) and those who don't (Dove Haters). These two types of people tend to pair up in real life and the Dove Lover spends the rest of their otherwise peaceful union trying in vein to convert the Dove Hater.
3. Although Robert Duvall is a first rate actor, when a person watches Lonesome Dove it is obvious that he very rarely has more than two expressions: WILEY/COWBOY PRANKSTER FEISTY or "GO ON, GIT---GIT OUTTA HERE GOD DAMNIT!" FURIOUS.
4. Tommy Lee Jones is ALL torso.
5. Sometimes when you can't sleep and you think maybe you should take a Tylenol PM you might consider watching Lonesome Dove.

Class dismissed,
Professor Saloon

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Note To Self:

When you go for a run after work in fog as thick as Paula Abdul's bangs, even though you wear just a hint of mascara, you still end up looking like Robert Smith from the Cure or Bette Davis in Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?

Neither of these looks become you.

I'm just saying,
Claudia Q-tip