Monday Judgements and Warnings

I have a poem I wanted to share with you. I wrote it and I think it's very pretty. So pretty, that, although it does not have 12 lines, I think it is worthy of being called a sonnet. When I wrote it I knew I had locked on to something incredible, something larger than life and effing beautiful. Why do sonnets have to have 12 lines?! I thought. How tragic that life is so full of crappy rules. Oh well, when something is as enduring as the sun, the light it gives cannot be extinguished (regardless of SPF 70) Here is my poem:


Poem So Beautiful It Should Be Given Permission To Be Called A Sonnet

Sometimes when you talk
You could not talk
And that would be okay
Beautiful, even

Author's Note: If you try to find this poem in the Library Of Congress you will need to search for it by the title Shush.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 121 thru 123

121. Broccoli on pizza
122. The outfits that cyclists wear
123. Whether or not Brian Williams is unusually smug or just plain confident

Cooper Being Bear Grylls on Man Vs Wild

"In this episode I spent over 36 minutes sniffing, tracking, leaping, barking, slobbering, running and peeing," he says, explaining his extreme survival adventures in an urban park off Sunset Boulevard where he famously contracted diarrhea from consuming too much eucalyptus bark and dried horse poop.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I'm not saying we're in mortal danger YET but I hope you realize that it's only a matter of time before we're all gonna have to buy our own smell-proof canoes to stay afloat on the ocean of Celebrity Signature Scents that is slowly engulfing us.

Keep your kerchief nearby,
Sergeant Stink,
Barfy Odor Squad

Saturday SlobberLove

This American Life never fails to provide me with a word or phrase or image or concept that makes me do a little invisible standing ovation in my head where I go BRAVO! BRAVO! ENCORE! like a scene out of The Turning Point.

This morning I heard the words DERELICT HIBACHI in the description of a back yard that had fallen into trashy neglect and it just made my heart swoon.

Friday Conclusion

Sometimes when I'm sitting at the computer I notice little pop-ups that flash on the screen saying something like YOUR THINGY IS ABOUT TO EXPIRE, YOU FOOL! or YOUR LAST BACK-UP FAILED, RETARD! and I must admit that, although I know these a-holes are vital, I find them to be incredibly annoying. I guess I'm just a big dope when it comes to the computer. Like my dad was when the remote wouldn't work. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

Was that one of those little warnings about the pending hard drive explosion? I think, before clicking it away. GO ON, GIT. But after they persist, unrelentingly, I start to have 1950's husband thoughts like GET OFFA MY BACK ALREADY! or CAN'T A PERSON HAVE A MOMENT OF PEACE AROUND HERE FOR CRYIN OUT LOUD?! Sometimes I even say out loud: JEEEEZZ!

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

WHEN IT COMES TO MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY COMPUTER, THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO BE IS LIKE RALPH KRAMDEN.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 118 thru 120

118. Polka music
119. Gazpacho
120. When grown women get really into the color pink

Cooper Working the Drive-Thru Window At Taco Bell

"I made the mistake of organizing a small violent posse of disgruntled taco makers who's sole purpose was to pressure management into bringing the Enchirito back," he says, reflecting on his short lived vocation as a fast food attendant.

"Also, I refused to wear a hair net and felt more comfortable interacting with customers in the nude."

Monday Judgements and Warnings

If you've never seen the movie Jerimiah Johnson with Robert Redford and you don't have time to, here are some things you can do instead and it will be like you have actually experienced the movie:

1. Sit in a room and stare at your area rug. Don't move for quite some time. Even when your shins go numb. Don't move.
2. Hum a little. Hum some more. Hum as if you were overdosing on a deadly concoction of NyQuil and Tylenol Cold medication. Hum like you forgot how to hum or like if someone told you to hum in a way that would make people go berserk. (this mimics the soundtrack in an UNCANNY way.)
3. Walk to your nearest fur shop on Rodeo Drive and find a bunch of really big gigantic furry fur coats that are really furry. Stare at them. Find a pair of skinny Lee jeans and picture them in an outfit with the fur coats.
4. Mumble a lot. Mumble some more under your breath. Take AT LEAST an hour and a half to reply to anyone who speaks to you. And when you do reply MAKE SURE YOU MUMBLE YOUR RESPONSE.
5. Tromp around in the snow in exotic Ugg boots that Mariah Carey or The Rock would wear and then go build a fire under your bathroom sink or on your neighborhood corner. Look very forlorn yet eerily unnerved.

Bonjour howdy,
Bonnie Jo Crab Apple III

Sunday Science Segment

Just as the red corvette containing the sun damaged wrinkly body of a 65 year-old man never fails to startle, so does the poop brown coffee mug with magenta, green and orange polka dots ruin the taste of any hot beverage poured inside it.

Wake up people. The package matters.