Things I Don't Understand, Items 279 thru 281

279. When people set their clocks ahead of the actual time it is in order to ensure punctuality
280. Why there are sometimes six mattress stores in the same block
281. Oxtail stew

Cooper Being Christopher Walken in The Dead Zone

"Oh my GOD she's smiling again," he says, shortly before being completely enveloped by Brooke Adams' giant horsey grin.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

The following is based on actual events.

One day, prior to a big ass travel event with husband and dog, I decided that I was going to ONCE AND FOR GOD DAMN POOPING ALL get to the bottom of my irrational (although I must say I totally disagree---have you seen the chompers on those beasts?) and unrealistic fear of bears.  I have purposefully lower cased those Mister Scary Hairy Claw-i-nators in order to lessen my fear---you see how I did that?  I happen to know that black bears (or was it brown bears?) cannot attack through computer screens so I know that as I type this I am relatively safe.

ANYHOO---so one day I decided to get all pragmatic and actually do some VERY SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH about bears and how dangerous they are.  AND DO NOT GIVE ME THAT CRAP ABOUT MAKE YOURSELF BIG OR WHATEVER. 

As I was saying, on this particular Madame Curie type of day I decided I would become Margaret Mead and actually gather facts in order to assuage my terror and so I went to Google and I typed:

overcoming fear of

And you know how Google gets all intuitive and psychic and starts to list all the stuff other people or raccoons have typed before you?  Here is the list of Google Human Fears:

flying
public speaking
death
failure
rejection
heights
commitment
abandonment
intimacy
success

NO BEARS.  ALL THE PEOPLE AFRAID OF BEARS ARE DEAD.

Regardless, I forged on and typed:

fear of

This is what I got:

dirt
constipation
beautiful women
trees
work
fog
dampness
the Pope
otters
bums
clowns
having painful bowel movements

Although I can TOTALLY RELATE to being afraid of almost each and every thing on this last list (I happen to adore trees) I was further alarmed at the absence of FEAR OF BEARS so I tried ONE MORE Google search:

overcoming fear of bear

and before I could finish with the "s" Google instantly regurgitated FEAR OF BEAR MARKETS.

I am now more alarmed than ever because I think I have discovered a bear conspiracy that involves some kind of bizarre hostage information thing where all the bears in the world are hoarding scary bear facts in order to render all humans brain dead about the fact that BEARS ARE FUCKING SCARY.

I rest my case. 
Connie Cub

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes, after I've called the Thai place and I've submitted my order for the delivery of a delectable Thai meal I feel a large thrill knowing that SOON I WILL BE DROWNING SOME BROWN RICE WITHIN AN INCH OF ITS LIFE IN YELLOW CURRY SAUCE and in that moment I believe myself to be the luckiest person on earth.

Give me pad thai or give me death,
Nora Noodle

Things I Don't Understand, Items 276 thru 278

276. Gerard Butler
277. Why your own farts smell perfectly lovely and other people's farts smell alarmingly hideous
278.  Professional Bowling

Cooper Being a Bicycle Seat

"Hop on.  I'll take you for a whirl around the shire," he says, trying to drum up business.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

If you think you have a steely spirit and you can withstand a lot of hooha and rigmarole and In Your Facey Faceness like you're Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2---I can appreciate that.  I really can.  But what I want you to do in order to prove your 100% Sanity and 130% Courage is I want you to get up off your big fat ass right now and go into the kitchen and rummage around in your This-Is-Where-I-Keep-My-Zip-Lock-Bags-and-Reynolds-Wrap-and-Parchment-Paper-and-Kitchen-String-and-Extra-Coffee-Filters-and-Random-Crap drawer and I want you to pull out the PLASTIC WRAP...and I want you to GET IN THE RING WITH THAT BAD MOTHER EFFER and I want you to tell me who wins. 

And THEN I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that you're strong.

All we are is dust in the wind,
Mildred Moxie

Things I Don't Understand, Items 273 thru 275

273. How, when someone you love dies and you try to remember them, it feels like their presence was one second ago and a million years ago all at the same time
274. Why parchment paper doesn't start a forest fire in the oven
275. Jeggings on anyone over 10

Cooper Being Jodie Foster in Contact

Here he is seen gazing into a sight so awe inspiring it made him sob and gasp and then giggle like a crazy person who is addicted to Junior Mints and is being told he is about to drown in endless amounts of Junior Mints.

"I was actually looking at David Morse's forehead and in that way I could imagine infinite space," he says before shrieking I'M GOOD TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! another ninety million times.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Look alive people!
Sergeant Charmin