Okay so we all know that, 99.9% of the time, when yer gonna get a THUNDERY, STINKY, SCARY visit from the Lord of Diarrhea and Throw-Up that The Lord screams across the rumbling seas and arrives in the dark of night when things are quiet as can be and the whole shire, if not the entire world, is fast asleep like little fairies in their beds made of fairy delicateness.
And then there is lil' ol' sweaty you, hunched over your crapper, panting and wild-eyed.
Will this hideous madness ever end? you think as you try, fruitlessly to keep your stringy hair out of your scrunched up face.
Why does vomiting make me cry like a soap opera actress? you ask yourself, as you feebly arrange the throw rug under your tender knees in preparation for another violent upchuck.
And it goes on and on and on until you believe that it is possible that you may expire. But you don't. You actually survive and, after a longish period of relative calm, you turn on the television in the middle of a Friday and are bombarded with revolting commercials of neon orangey-yellow creamy sauces being poured over mountains of gargantuan armadillo broccoli alongside lumber piles of penne smothered in lumpy gloop and as you sprint to the bathroom you vow to yourself that as soon as you are able to walk and breathe again you are going to find the nearest Olive Garden in order to organize a picket line.
If it's beige I'll eat it,
Broth Face
7 comments:
Has anyone else ever pooped on the floor while they're throwing up in the bathtub or was that just Susan?
Good question. I have not pooped on the floor (wowzer!) but I have thrown up in the bathtub while pooping in the toilet.
Holy Shit Sista from anutha Mista! We are the same!! Except you are much more creative and funny and thoughtful. But still. We have the Big D and the Big V happening AT THE EXACT SAME TIME!
Shit.
No poop, but it seems my saggy bladder after birthing three children fails me. Every.Single.Time. Vomit-squirt. No cushioned knees for me. Who wants more laundry when you're sick?
Yeah. Birthing three children will do it! I have to sit on the toilet and throw up in a trash can. Yeah. It's awesome.
I have held the trash can while on the throne. More importantly, you have hit upon my pet peeve, that unlimited soup, breadsticks and salad will make you hurl across a room. I love how we can discuss this.
If I told you what I suspect started my hurl fest you would not believe me. It's very cliche.
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