Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I'm trying to make sure I'm ready if I happen to be the first person on earth to bump into an alien from outer space and I know that there are certain universal code words that translate across the galaxies, such as "Costco" means "big angry carts" and "Hugh Hefner" means "Blecchhhh".  My question is, what is the universal martian phrase for "white"?---is it "Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife's hair" or "the spectators at Wimbledon"? 
---Anxious and Clammy in Coronado

Dear Clammy,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes on Saturday, when we feel blue and tender for no particular reason, we like to pretend we're Henry David Throreau, all alone in the woods, and we picture our cozy house and the wood table where we'd eat our peaches and the worn soft bowls we'd use for cereal and how we'd keep our boots right outside the front door even in the pouring rain and how we'd sit---quiet---each evening as the sun went down and how we'd be able to handle all the lonely with complete grace as we gazed out our windows sheathed in lovely curtains and then we remember that AFTER WEEKS OF SEARCHING AND CHECKING we finally found our beloved Frederic Fekkai Full Volume Shampoo at CVS and we get giddy with joy and we think Oh who needs those scary old woods? and we dream about how we'll have a nice glass of Cabernet with our dinner.

Be Here Now-ish,
Sandy Superficial

Things I Don't Understand, Items 335 thru 337

335. Ted Nugent
336. Sleeveless turtlenecks
337. When you tell someone you have a steel boots kicking your temples migraine headache and they say "Oh! Okay! This is wutcha do---ya take yer two fingers and ya press...THERE! right there! Is it gone? Is yer headache gone? Because that's the Power Goddess Yoni Pain Point Thumb Valley area and it connects you directly to your wolf aura so wutcha wanna do now is breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe and okay... now.....HOWL!"

Cooper Being The Shark in Jaws

"Nobody gets hurt as long as I get an uninterrupted supply of those Paul Newman Chicken and Rice Snackies that don't upset my tummy," he says, gnawing on a small kayak.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I don't want to alarm you too much but if you happen to be walking down a dark alley alone in the near future PLEASE BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THE OUTFIT THAT VENUS WILLIAMS DESIGNED AND WORE AT WIMBLEDON BECAUSE THAT THING IS FLOUNCY DEADLY.

Yours In Abject Horror,
Lead Investigator
Precinct 27
Scary Clothes With Gold Piping Division

Sunday Prayer

Oh Heavenly Father of Holy Things such as cottage cheese in kibble and early morning squirrel skirmishes and the possibility of a world without flies and furniture leaping and the Lay in the Sun Forever and Pretend I'm a Lizard game and the smell of moldy food in the gutter---I bow down to you and plead for your mercy that you might interrupt the mindless Sunday chores ritual my owners have that consumes their every movement and instead force them to focus their energy on precious Yellow-Bone-That-Sounds-Like-a -Bowling-Ball-When-It-Hits-the-Floor throw time so that we might all then live in peace and rapture dear lord thank you for your time Amen.

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes on Saturday, we pack all of our worldly belongings into a backpack the size of Rhode Island and we make lists upon lists upon lists upon lists of what we need and what we don't need and we dream about sleeping under the stars and washing our tootsies in a cold, cold river and we pray we have enough sunscreen and we feel more anxiety than the usual person feels because we want everything to be perfect and then, after some coaxing which we hear as bossing around from our mate we get in the car.  And we drive.

See you on the flip side,
Tammy Toilet Paper

Friday Conclusion

The other day I was listening to an iPhone commercial and at the very end the cheery voice said:
IF YOU WANT TO SHARE YOUR APP WITH A BUM
and I thought Wow, that's  kinda bizarre  and it turns out the voice actually said:
IF YOU WANT TO SHARE YOUR APP WITH A BUMP
Ooooooh. OK that makes sense. Phew.

Then, as I was going about my business in the morning earlier this week, I heard the morning newscaster say:
NEXT: THE LATEST UPDATE ON THAT TRAGIC BUTT CRACK IN RIVERSIDE
and I thought What the hell?! and it turns out the newscaster actually said:
NEXT: THE LATEST UPDATE ON THAT TRAGIC BUS CRASH IN RIVERSIDE
Well OK, that's more like it.

Also, yesterday, when I was looking at something on my Droid, an ad flashed across the screen that was promoting:
BAKED CHEESY PANTS
and I was all Oh now, come ON!
But upon further inspection it became clear that it said:
BAKED CHEESY PASTA
Right! Got it.


Plus, this afternoon, right before I was about to watch my recorded Ina Garten where she cooks a romantic dinner for Jeffrey for their 40th wedding anniversary, there was a commercial for Kashi and I distinctly heard them say:
MADE WITH WHOLE BRAINS
Oh for cryin' out loud! I thought
But then I realized they said:
MADE WITH WHOLE GRAINS
Um, yeah! That makes total sense.

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

IF YOU'RE GOING TO SURVIVE THIS CONFUSING OBSTACLE COURSE CALLED LIFE, YOU'D BETTER GET YOURSELF A HELMET

Beggy pardon,
Helen Hard of Hearing

Things I Don't Understand, Items 332 thru 334

332. Hooters
333. Liar products that have the promise of Handy Resealable Package!!!
334. Suede pants

Cooper Being Ann Reinking in All That Jazz

This photo, taken just before he performed a mind blowing funky swishy swishy hips for days gams for days bendy knee top hat black eyeliner grindy number, captures why Bob Fosse famously referred to the leggy dancer as the sexiest pretzel I ever saw.