Things I Don't Understand, Items 240 thru 242

240. Hazelnut creamer
241. Why drunk people are drawn to the game of limbo
242. How unusually round Usher's face is

Cooper Being Jack Nicholson in Chinatown

"You'd think that being in one of the greatest films of all time would earn a fella some extra treats," he says, as he moves his paw slowly toward his holster.

The Cupcake Lessons

I have been furiously at work in my laboratory and have surfaced briefly to provide my latest notes and findings on my ground breaking, revolutionary and relatively unsettling Cracker Research 2010:

1. WASA "bread" moniker seems to be cause of systemic identity confusion
2. Ak-Maks continue to exhibit sociopath behavior---too much like cardboard?
3. Wheat Thins: only solution---complete and total isolation (they DO NOT see themselves as crackers) **ELITISTS (make sure to address the constant requests for extra towels and special water)
4. RyCrisp mass depression appears to coincide with CheezIts proliferation
5. Search and rescue: Goldfish (an entire generation---under car seats)

Over and out,
Major Munchette

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I know there's a lot going on, people but may I remind you of some VERY IMPORTANT things to keep in mind:

1. The Judds
2. Their bangs
3. All the schmaltzy, barfnanimous hoo-ha about faith
4. FALSE PROMISES THAT THEY ARE GOING AWAY FOREVER...AGAIN...FOR THE NINE HUNDREDTH TIME
5. Love Will Build a Bridge ---- TO HATE
6. Square dancing skirts and boots and Hepatitis C or B or L or Whatever Letter Stands for Live Throughout All Eternity
7. Linebacker shoulders and stuff like "God bless ya"
8. Botox up the poop chute

Boo howdy,
Lone Cowboy Critical

Things I Don't Understand, Items 237 thru 239

237. Sky diving
238. People that get all up in your face about how figs keep you regular
239. Why no one ever talks about the fact Justin Timberlake is obviously half Pomeranian

Cooper Being Rageful Upon Hearing That We Needed To Make Another Trip To the Repair Counter at PC Mall Palace

"When they refer to themselves as a "Palace" do you think they mean the kind of palace that is more like a shanty town hell hole where you lose your mind and go slowly insane?" he asks, as he rips the head off his beloved Snakey toy.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

If I could I would assure you that everything is going to be okay and I'd take your hand and we'd stroll along the boulevard and gab about how no matter how cute you think your outfit is on a certain day that ten years later if you saw that outfit you'd think you looked like Kelly McGillis from Top Gun and want to shoot yourself and we'd laugh and smile and have a good ol' time...

HOWEVER

There is this situation with this penny pinching semi-homemade whorelita Sandra Lee who changes her kitchen curtains every day and I must tell you: IT DOES NOT LOOK GOOD, PEOPLE. In fact, it looks VERY VERY BAD.

You could tell yourself that things will be doable. That WE CAN DO IT. That we'll get through this together but then you'd only be fooling yourself---LIKE 99 CENT STORE FOOLING YOURSELF--- because when you turn on the TV and you see this lady with the can opener talkin' 'bout Tablescapes and her new "Put a Stick In It Mocktail" you'd realize we're all hosed.

Puree This,
Beulah B. Otch

Things I Don't Understand, Items 234 thru 236

234. Fried pork rinds
235. If a person chooses to play the tuba or if the tuba chooses to wrap itself around the person
236. Plaid sheets

Cooper Being Carmen Miranda

This photo, taken in the mid 40s, captured what some think is the ONLY moment lacking lewdness in the fruit obsessed starlet's life.

"If we are honest with ourselves we will all embrace the fact that wearing bananas, grapes and foliage on our heads is the only way to express our full sexual passion," he once said before shoving a mango in his ear.

Monday Judegements and Warnings

How To Tell If Your Butt Is Talking Too Much:

1. The person you're conversing with asks you to stand up because the words coming out of your butt are muffled.
2. When you review your Power Point presentation about Power Point Presentations your chair vibrates right around the area of your big fat butt.
3. Mini-lectures given about your theories on Supply and Demand create small wildfires in the four foot radius around your gabby tuckus.
4. People regularly greet you by trying to shake hands with your bottom.

Don't Look At Me I Didn't Make the Rules,
Dixie Doubter

Things I Don't Understand, Items 234 thru 236

234. Elderly men in pleated pants
235. How much toothpaste is left in the toothpaste tube after you think there is absolutely no more toothpaste left
236. Hairless cats

Cooper Being a Fugitive From Justice

"There are times in a hound's life when a hound's gotta run," he says, smoking a stoagie.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

It may or may not surprise you to know that I have come face to face with The Person In Charge and it may or may not surprise you that I am putting you all on High Stage Persimmon-Burnt Sienna-Orange Scary Person Alert because this gal means business and this gal drives a big, bad, (kind of tiny) BUT LOUD, VERY LOUD 1920 Honda Civic with the entire left side completely caved in as if the entire nation of Senegal plowed into it and she darts in and out of traffic like a hornet ---she DARTS! and changes lanes and slams on her brakes and gives dirty looks and darts more in and out of traffic--- EVEN WHEN THERE IS NO TRAFFIC-- she honks and flips people off like other people say Hi How Are You I'm Fine and she holds her cigarette out the window and hunches over the steering wheel like Travis Bickle and sneers and just when you think she cannot be more Large and In Charge in her miniature, snarly two-door she flies by you in a cloud of exhaust and you catch a glimpse of her license plate and it says:

SHARKL8Y

with the words Hello Officer, Put It On My Tab framing it and you think, um, you'll just keep your mouth shut for now and allow The Lady to pass because you know full well that in all the battles of your life there are those that might be worth losing.

Yours in forfeiture and awe,
Peggy Pipsqueak

Saturday SlobberLove

I am aware that my life is filled with love and fresh flowers that last for weeks on end as if they are genetically altered and a husband who doesn't judge me for my year round devotion to flannel sheets and decent shower pressure and a view of the ocean and a dog who rivals Jon Stewart in the personality department and a bunion free existence thus far and the presence of mind to know that orange is the only color for anything Le Creuset and relatively few run ins with the law and plenty of really nice towels and reliably good breath and I appreciate all of this magic---I really do---but it would all go straight into the crapper if it weren't for my beloved Grape-Nuts.

I honestly do not know if I could survive without their handsome, stalwart, no-nonsense presence in my life and lord knows I'd be a fool to try.

Yours in proper milk to cereal ratio,
Princess Crunch