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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Cupcake Lessons

Current area of research:

How can we know which is scarier for a child?

1. Watching Janis Joplin sing Me and Bobby McGee
2. Hell's Angels
3. Trying to understand what, exactly, a kiln is
4. Indian burns
5. Sitting in front of Brian Paperney, The Sudden and Frequent Vomiter

Quizzically yours,
Professor Plop

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Saturday Survey

Is it possible to cut a mango without losing your mind?

I'm just asking.

We're bad people,
"Mango Splitter" Design Team

Friday, June 26, 2009

Friday Conclusion

Yesterday, Mister Cupcake and I had to venture from our hood into Beverly Hills and as we were walking down Camden Drive we passed several women who had that look of burn victims---they'd had so much plastic surgery. Like their faces weren't finished. Little teensy weensy marble noses, smeary jello fish mouths and perpetually alarmed expressions.

Also: VERY LARGE BAZOOMS. Mountain range bazooms. Bazooms that I'm certain enabled these women to skirt around the air bag law for cars.

"They should call this place Booberly Hills," said Mister Cupcake.

"They should," I agreed.

Which brings me to Friday's Conclusion:


Thursday, June 25, 2009

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Cooper Being a Shut-In

Ever since seeing Joan Rivers on Larry King two nights ago, he has been locked in his room buried under the covers.

"I can't get the image of her creepy plastic doll face out of my mind," he whimpers. "Now please, go get me another blanket."

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Recently, I've noticed an overwhelming number of mildly terrifying commercials for a pill called Cialis. This pill apparently causes middle aged couples to gaze slyly at each other as if they've just won tickets to a Journey concert or to suddenly throw their heads back with laughter as they saunter down the street looking like they're about to give each other melvins. Sometimes, the couples are seen romping through a wheat field. Other times they are cuddling on the couch in matching taupe Dockers but ultimately, these couples end up in their own bathtubs about three feet apart amongst various trees and shrubbery.

Cupcake, I know I may be sensitive but these commercials are giving me nightmares and I was wondering---is there any way to make them stop?
---Confused and Revolted In Tampa

Dear Revolted,
Good Luck,

Monday, June 22, 2009

Monday Judgements and Warnings

On the Third Anniversary Of A Father's Death, best to keep the following in mind:

1. Dispense with the hokey hooha about Time Healing All Wounds and simply take deep breaths more often during the afternoon as you replay the day that was That Day
2. If anyone asks anything of you that you do not feel capable of handling, due to your broken hearted state, simply look them in the eye, lift your arms toward heaven and say (in a booming Moses-ey tone) LEAVE ME ALONE I AM GRIEVING MY DEAD FATHER.
3. Tell yourself he knew you were there on That Day, three years prior to This Day. Tell it to yourself again---that he knew. Tell yourself he is at peace now, even though he would take issue with the fact that you used the phrase at peace to describe him (much like you dispense with the Time Heals All Wounds hooha.) Just tell yourself he is OK now and not struggling to breathe even though you and your sister are not there to help him when he is confused or unbearably fragile. Just keep telling yourself that all old men live and then they die. That it is better to let go of life when the time comes. Even though the time, from your dear, loving perspective will never feel like it was right for him to go.
4. Remind yourself how happy you are that you have his socialist spirit.
5. Think, at least once, of the time you spent four hours at Taylor's discussing the theory---Don't Let The Bastards Get You Down But If They Do---Remember, They're Just Bastards.
6. Really take it in that it does you no good to refer to yourself as THE ORPHAN
7. Eat pizza and add extra tomatoes
8. Regale your husband with tales of The Old Geezer---PRE Old Geezer status
9. Cover yourself with these words, when your husband speaks them: I MISS YOUR DAD. HE WAS SUCH A GREAT MAN.
10. Be fluid with this thought: If only

Go Forth and Plunder,
Princess of Darkness

Friday, June 19, 2009

Friday Conclusion

If there was an epic movie made about my life based on the characters from Camelot, Gwenivere would be played by a Pepperidge Farm Mint Milano cookie, Haagen Dazs Coffee ice cream would be Lancelot, Merlin would be portrayed by a Creamsicle, Cool Ranch Doritos would be the Knights of the Round Table and a large Peppermint Patty would be King Arthur.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Things I Don't Understand, Items 55 thru 57

55. The luge
56. Edible Arrangement bouquets made out of warm cantaloupe
57. Ritchie Sambora's hair

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Cooper Being Abducted By Aliens

In this photo, the last image taken before he was enveloped by a radiant white light, he is seen gazing into the eyes of an ethereal being (which we now know was an omnipresent beagle.)

He has since communicated with us only a handful of times, using cryptic messages via Facebook.

Cooper is ...following his bliss, eating dirt and licking bird poop off the driveway on planet Milkbone, was his last status update.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

In an effort to be budget conscious, my husband and I signed up for Netflix and are trying to decide which part of it saves us more money:
When we order the movie The Visitor, keep it for six weeks without watching it, eventually lose it and pay $20.00 for it,
The fact that we watch an average of .03 Netflix movies per decade in their entirety before falling asleep.
Will either of these strategies help us in our retirement?
---Dry Mouthed From Concern In Toledo

Dear Dry,
Good Luck,

Monday, June 15, 2009

Monday Judgements and Warnings

There are several neighborhood dog owners and dogs who Mister Cupcake and I see on our daily strolls over and over and over and over and over again and there is one dog walker in particular who has an incurable addiction to the following question when our paths cross:

"Is he friendly?"

Although we have passed this addict, oh let's see, probably FOUR MILLION TIMES, and our dog has never done anything but smile and say Good Day Nice To See You For The Four Millionth Time he pauses and asks the same question and we give the same answer on behalf of our dog: "Yes he's friendly."

But I've been thinking that it might spice things up to provide more detail along with our answer and here are some ideas I've come up with:

"Yes, he's friendly but he spends entire afternoons gazing into his own behind."

"He's usually really friendly but he just found out it's not OK to dine on the poop of other dogs so he's feeling kind of bummed out right now."

"Yes, he's friendly but he told us he's not very fond of you."

We'll see if any of these work.

Bud, the lesser known, untalented Judd.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Friday Conclusion

Fewer things in life make you feel more alone than saying the following sentence in the presence of other people:

"You know, I don't really like Jack Black."

Try it. You'll see what emptiness feels like.

Stay Brave,
Clark the Suspicious Clydesdale

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Things I Don't Understand, Items 52 thru 54

52. Big Gulps
53. The sidewalk wide middle part in Fergie's hair
54. How quickly bad water pressure can ruin people's lives

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Cooper's Senior Portrait

"Those were the days," he says, growing slightly wistful.

When we remind him that he spent most of his high school years in a toxic relationship with a narcissistic cheerleader named Cindy, he gets defensive, forever clinging to his denial like a piece of slobber drenched rawhide.

"What you fail to understand is that Cindy was a basset hound and basset hounds are naturally promiscuous, selfish and smelly. It was just her nature," he explains.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The Cupcake Lessons

I've been working furiously in the laboratory, experimenting with the 5 AM OUTFIT I wear when taking the dog out:

Option #1:
Nightgown tucked INTO sweatpants giving a barrel-bottom look around my butt and upper thighs + husband's two ton lumberjack style coat + tennis shoes worn clog style

Option #2:
Nightgown worn OVER sweatpants producing a burned out Little Bo Peep wearing VERY thick leggings look + black down jacket zipped up---hitting at waist causing nightgown to flare contributing to the skirt look I have going + husband's size 13 Haflinger slippers

Early Findings:
A. Need to work on better footwear. What if I need to sprint suddenly?
B. Is there a way to flatten the nightgown? Option #1 is fertile ground for a Fat Albert nickname.

The research must go on,
Bunsen M. Burner

Monday, June 8, 2009

Monday Judgements and Warnings

If your goal is to maintain an overall illusion of hip intellectualism, make sure you avoid revealing the following facts about your fine self:

1. You have always thought being a truck driver would be kind of dreamy
2. You have no idea what the word "gadfly" means
3. Creamsicles give you a sense of well-being you rarely find elsewhere
4. Lady Gaga scares you
5. One of your most frequent refrains is "Can't we just stay home?"

I'm just saying,
Professor Couch

Friday, June 5, 2009

Friday Conclusion

I have a clone.

It's true. Tonight at Trader Joe's I was ALONE in the aisle that is usually crammed with nine thousand people and I looked down to find a piece of paper that resembled my list. Oh, I dropped my list, I thought. But it was not my list. It was someone else's list and someone else's list had ALL BUT ONE of the four items on my list.

My List:
tomato paste
kidney beans

My Clone's List:
tomato paste
kidney beans

My clone is obviously making a spicier version of the Elie Krieger chili I'm making, that much is clear. And my clone also seems to be patient and elegant, as evidenced by the LONG HAND the list I picked up was written in.

I wonder if my clone was the one who ignored their list and bought the last of the magical Trader Joes Peanut Butter cups due to being frustrated upon realizing that Trader Joes does not sell jalapenos. If so, my clone is very selfish and caused a lot of disillusionment and heartbreak in the store this evening.

Broccoli Floret, Jr.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Recession Suggestion = Good

Layaway plans at Whole Foods.

By the time the $24.99 bright green organic bananas ripened it would be time to make the final installment and if I'm not mistaken that's a Win-Win situation right there.

Not that anyone asked me.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Cooper Being In the New Steven Soderbergh Film, Kibble

In this scene, playing opposite Benecio Del Toro, his character (a Swedish drug addict) is told that the beagle who'd been his main supplier is actually his mother.

"It was my idea to wear my ears back. Benecio said it made me look like a chihuahua but I think it showed the vulnerability of my character," he explains.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Things I Like More Than Bill O'Reilly

1. Gum in my hair
2. Being hit over the head with a hammer
3. False imprisonment
4. Exploding diarrhea while stuck in traffic
5. Ferret soup

Monday, June 1, 2009

Monday Prayer

I don't believe in reincarnation but if I'm wrong and the reality is that I'm coming back in another lifetime as a plant, animal, person or kitchen appliance I pray to all that is holy that I DO NOT come back as that cat down the street that resembles a short baboon.

How does he get along from day to day with people either staring in horror or grabbing their kids and dogs in fear that his sinister miniature bald man quality will somehow rub off on them? It's possible that I could handle the loneliness from being a pariah but I don't know that I could bear the torment he must feel as neighbors run screaming, "THERE'S THAT CREEPY CAT THAT LOOKS LIKE RICHARD MOLL FROM NIGHT COURT---RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!"

The Doubter