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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Cooper Being Queen Elizabeth

Here he is seen rehearsing his judgemental and proper face while still keeping his jowls on the down low.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Cupcake Lessons

After some tireless research in the laboratory I am ready to reveal my findings regarding the most effective ways to handle seeing Tom Cruise's Crazy Lady Grin:

1. If you see it unexpectedly in a magazine because there is no warning on the cover of the magazine you can throw the magazine down and dive under your covers until someone comes to help you
2. If you see it on a billboard or bus stop and you are trapped in your car you can either use your blue tooth to call 911 or you can start honking your horn really loud until someone comes to help you
3. Just because he looks like Ru Paul, Julie Newmar and a cougar rolled into one when he smiles does not mean that he can actually come to your house and kill you
4. Ask yourself, "Has my smile ever gotten away from me?" and then try to have some compassion (while continuing to focus on swiftly running away until someone can come to help you)
5. If you are able to stare at his very large and seemingly human eye teeth, you might see an interesting message---try to have fun with it!

With a little bit of luck and some formidable armor we will all be okay, Enid Incisor

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes on Saturday, after we've run errands and properly prepared the house for the hope of early couch time watching the perfect movie---before then---before the ultimate and longed for resting time that we constantly dream of, we put our Gold Clogs on and we prepare a meal.

And every time we do this we cannot believe we taught ourselves to cook.

And we remember how odd it seems now that our mother complained about each and every angry moment spent in front of the stove. And we remember how we learned, against our will and better judgement, that it was not the most lovely thing to cook a meal for those you love.

But cooking seems to be the labor that is brimming with the most love, we often thought.

And when we proclaimed this, this made her angry.

And so as we made our way into our own landscape we started to sleuth and research and study and configure and whisk and braise and measure and season and taste and chop and fold and prepare and serve and we found that we had a knack for cooking magical meals that often left those we loved gasping with joy and we found that our heart practically burst watching the sated expressions of the chewers and we felt like Mercury with our swift blazing talent and confusing food mill that was now our ally and each time we wrangled with a recipe that made as much sense as Pi and we eventually triumphed we thought Nothing Can Stop Us! Not Even Chiffonading! and we felt as though we were some sort of ancient warrior and so we purchased a pair of Golden Clogs to remind us of our glory and how much we've come shining through.

When in doubt add more salt,
Choppy Chopperson
Choptown, USA

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Things I Don't Understand, Items 297 thru 299

297. Why poodles think they're better than everyone else
298. Those shoes that promise to make you lose weight
299. The pregnant man

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Cooper Being Gillian Anderson in The X-Files

In this scene he tries to figure out what type of alien David Ducovney is and why the two of them can't seem to make any real progress with resolving what the hell is going on.

"The reason I always looked so serious was largely because I had no idea what was happening during the four hundred and sixty million episodes that were filmed," he says, before adding that there is a remote possibility that they still are filming---one can never be sure.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Far be it from me to tell you which path to take your wagon down but if you keep prattling on about Zig Zigler and Moving Cheese you can be fairly certain that there will come a point in your presentation when even the Anita Bryant admirers will get bored.

Check please,
Mrs. Get Me the Hell Out Of Here

Friday, March 18, 2011

Things I Don't Understand, Items 294 thru 296

294. How ugly Tiger Woods looks without a hat
295. Women who reveal their upper back tattoos by wearing off the shoulder shirts no matter how inclement the weather
296. Margarine

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Cooper Being Natalie Portman in Black Swan

"I don't have a mental illness. And neither do I," he shrieks, just before he eats his tutu.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Helpful Hints:

1. Avoid passing gas in a job interview
2. Always and forever: rethink giggling
3. Remember that, although they are called sandals, if you wear them ON sand you will undoubtedly become weary
4. Nothing good ever came from a perm
5. If you decide that you want to be a person with no fear and you sit in front of the TV in order to catch of glimpse of Russell Brand smiling so you can exhibit your fearlessness of GIANT GUMS the size of Half Dome make sure that you do this before you have eaten

Stalwartly Yours,
Nancy Nausea

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes---in the hours just before we enter into Daylight Savings Time---we think about The Farmers and we bow down to them and we wonder out loud: Do you think The Farmers will interfere with any sharky toy throwing once Spring has commenced?


And then, in the quiet of what is left of winter, we hope and wonder and dream and plead for all the lightness in the world to come to us this spring and if we could we would find our old 8 track cassette of Kenny Loggins singing Keep The Fire and we'd listen to that mullet wearing Mo-Fo sing his heart out and we'd spell it out for ourselves plain and simple like some secret letter sent to us from a faraway wise land telling us that it will all be Good---No Matter What.

And then--- and only then--- we'd feel properly ready to welcome Spring.

Rock on and rock often,
Sergeant Geekstein

Friday, March 11, 2011

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Cooper Being Meryl Streep in The Bridges of Madison County

In the last heartbreaking scene he steals one last glimpse of his secret lover at a neighborhood gas station.

"Oh, to wear many aprons and drive around taking pictures of bridges with a complete stranger," he says, weeping.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I am writing to you for help.  I am a happily married woman.  I don't believe in "soul mates" per se (truth be told---I don't believe in people who actually use the phrase "per se" but that would involve an entirely different question) but what I was saying was I am thrilled and content with my mate --- HOWEVER --- I believe I might be completely and totally IN LOVE with Kate Middleton.  Is it me or is she just the FRESHEST FACE PERSON YOU HAVE EVER SEEN? And I know I might be biased but she seems to exude pure and total CLASS and SOPHISTICATION in a way that does not alienate but makes you want to either go on a shopping jaunt with her or go to the nearest pub and get plastered---BUT IN A REFINED WAY---like The Bee's Knees Way, which is why I am tea and crumpets smitten with the stalwart and beautiful Kate.  THE FUTURE QUEEN OF ENGLAND.  My question to you is:  do you think I am delusional or do I stand a chance with Ms. Middleton?
---Simply Starstruck in South Hampton

Dear Starstruck,
Good Luck,

Monday, March 7, 2011

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Ok so here's the deal people.  You need to listen up and you need to listen up good. 

If you want to be thought of as a loving person or an enlightened human being who believes in magic and sorcery and freedom, you must NOT (!) ---UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES reveal the fact that hummingbirds really bug you and you do not find them charming.

When in doubt---run,
Olive Outcast

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Saturday SlobberLove

It's hard to know how or why or when (exactly) it happens, really, but there are moments in life that telegraph to me from some other point in time that --- it will all be okay.

Regardless of previous hardships and heartaches and unrelenting doubt.
Regardless of her and him and that and it.

Regardless---there are times when I feel empty and whole at the same time. Like maybe the sky seems especially blue and I remember that there have been so many times that I am not as hopeless as I may think.

It is these moments that I live for and that I wish I could run toward and JUMP ON with knees around and arms around---tackling to the ground. PLEASE MAKE ME KNOW THAT I WILL BE OKAY AND I WILL MAKE IT DOWN THIS CONFUSING, FULL PATH---UNSCATHED is what I want to say.

But the adventure is that I get these Calm Knowing Moments once every five hundred years approximately and so I am forever poised, in the midst of my working on my worry mind like a scholar, like Goodbye Mr. Chips, waiting and hoping and excited for those moments when I greet Absolute and Unencumbered Cozy and I know that the entire winding weird scary road trip is invariably worth it regardless of the fact that I need to avoid MSG even though it brings me so much Happy.

Oh go on with your bad self,
Duchess of Schmaltz

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Things I Don't Understand, Items 288 thru 290

288. Kelly Osbourne's cheeks
289. Why you rarely see performers sneeze in the middle of a song
290. When people refer to an old person as "98 years young!"

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Cupcake Lessons

Researchers and scientists, for decades, have been recommending that individuals think about what nickname they would choose should they be forced to choose one and I have finally narrowed my list down to these Top Five Possible Nicknames:

2. Mrs. Worry
3. Breezy Breezerson
4. Laugh-o-Smasher
5. Her Royal Highness

May the Force Be With You,
Alfie Affirmation