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Monday, January 31, 2011

Monday Judgements and Warnings

If you think you have a steely spirit and you can withstand a lot of hooha and rigmarole and In Your Facey Faceness like you're Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2---I can appreciate that.  I really can.  But what I want you to do in order to prove your 100% Sanity and 130% Courage is I want you to get up off your big fat ass right now and go into the kitchen and rummage around in your This-Is-Where-I-Keep-My-Zip-Lock-Bags-and-Reynolds-Wrap-and-Parchment-Paper-and-Kitchen-String-and-Extra-Coffee-Filters-and-Random-Crap drawer and I want you to pull out the PLASTIC WRAP...and I want you to GET IN THE RING WITH THAT BAD MOTHER EFFER and I want you to tell me who wins. 

And THEN I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that you're strong.

All we are is dust in the wind,
Mildred Moxie

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Things I Don't Understand, Items 273 thru 275

273. How, when someone you love dies and you try to remember them, it feels like their presence was one second ago and a million years ago all at the same time
274. Why parchment paper doesn't start a forest fire in the oven
275. Jeggings on anyone over 10

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Cooper Being Jodie Foster in Contact

Here he is seen gazing into a sight so awe inspiring it made him sob and gasp and then giggle like a crazy person who is addicted to Junior Mints and is being told he is about to drown in endless amounts of Junior Mints.

"I was actually looking at David Morse's forehead and in that way I could imagine infinite space," he says before shrieking I'M GOOD TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! another ninety million times.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Things I Don't Understand, Items 270 thru 272

270. Joe Lieberman
271. Why the air, sun, streets, shadows, trees, your hair, the water, sidewalks, light, the sound of traffic and planes on week days feel totally and completely different than weekend days.
272. How fucked up Christmas music sounds in Spring or Summer

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Cooper Being Burt Lancaster in From Here To Eternity

"Sand up my butt and Frank Sinatra hates jews," he responds, when asked to delight some youngsters with what he remembers most about the 1950's classic.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Cupcake Lessons

I have been working up a sweat in the laboratory and am, at last, ready to release my findings regarding THE DANGER OF SCARVES:

1.  You're walking, you're walking, you're walking.  You're thinking I love this day how it is so fresh and clear and shiny and I know I am finally going to organize my linens like a true adult and you look down at your wonderful rescue pet who has become a companion in a way that you and your husband could have never imagined and you notice that your pup is doing his business and you think look at you the way you can poop in the open and I can't even take a doodie in a public restroom and you lean down with your handy plastic bag briefly wondering if there is redemption for the hated plastic bag what with all the dog poop around and as you swoop in to scoop up the poo-poo you remember YOUR SCARF and decide to leave the dog feces there and this only adds to your fear that you will not be liked.
2.  One word: Barbecue
3.  During perimenopause scarves masquerade as lovely comfy snuggle tools however their true identities are nightmarish heat shackles set on periodically raising your body temperature to Lava Time.

Be brave and be wary,
Professor Penelope P. Neck

Monday, January 17, 2011

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Just because you have a label maker AND YOU KNOW HOW TO USE IT does not mean that you are a better person.

Martha Stewart went to jail you know,
Sally of The Stupids

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Things I Don't Understand, Items 267 thru 269

267. How the words on word verification, at times, seem vaguely threatening and/or prophetic
268. Wal-Mart
269. Snooki from that Jersey Whatchacallit show

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Cooper Being a Warily Encouraged Citizen of the Aftermath

"Gabby opened her eyes for the first time?" he says, just yearning to break out in full blown Sassy-Happy- Way-To-Go-You-Go-Sister-Girl-Brave-Person-My-Hero-Councilwoman-Braver-Than-Brave-I-Know You're-Gonna-Make-It Dance.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Cupcake Lessons

I've been hard at work in my laboratory and have recently reached some semi-okay-ish conclusions regarding Richard Simmons and just, what, EXACTLY makes him so gosh darn lovable.

1.  He resembles a raisin and who doesn't adore a good raisin?
2.  He maintains an OTHERWORDLY enthusiasm and Go-Get-'Emness despite the fact that his hair has the consistency of Pure Wisp
3.  Who wears short shorts?  Richard wears short shorts!
4.  He appears to possess a complete and utter lack of rhythm HOWEVER he refuses to let this stop him when he is leading a squadron of followers during Sweatin To the Oldies
5.  Two words:  TUBE SOCKS

Step aside and let the man go through,
Harry Hot Pants

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Things I Don't Understand, Items 264 thru 266

264. Why there isn't more worldwide instruction regarding how to put a duvet cover on without cursing, spitting and sweating
265. People that get all miserable when they win the lottery
266. Guys in Trans Ams who rev their engines at stop signs

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Cooper Being Leisl in The Sound of Music

Here he is seen preparing for his I'm Just Sixteen Going On Forty Seven tete a tete with that asshole Rolf, the whistle blowing Nazi.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Do you think that Sondra Locke regrets Ratboy as much as I regret my decision to participate in a custom bra fitting at Nordstrom when I was feeling especially dowdy, blotchy and saggy or do you think that it might be impossible to find someone who feels as much remorse as I?
---Still Stunned and Sweaty in Saskatchewan

Dear Sweaty,
Good luck,