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Sunday, February 27, 2011

Sunday Prayer

Dear God,

I know your docket is full but if reincarnation is true and we get a bunch of go rounds being different stuff could you make sure that I, under no circumstances, come back as a Shetland pony?  There is no way on earth I could handle having bangs that heavy.

Thank you in advance for your help.


Thursday, February 24, 2011

Things I Don't Understand, Items 285 thru 287

285. The depth of  Shakira's sex appeal
286. Why you never hear about canker sores anymore
287. When you're in your car at a light waiting to turn left and there is no opportunity to go without risking life and limb and the driver behind you honks like an asshole because he's in a hurry

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Cooper On His Way To Wisconsin

"WHATEVER HAPPENS TO THE LEAST OF THEM HAPPENS TO ME!" he shouts from the bus window---a gleam of angry hope in his eyes.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I realize that it is an unavoidable reality that Ryan Seacrest is taking over the world but I was wondering if you could offer any guidance on how a small family might protect themselves once we are under Supreme Seacrest Oligarchy Rule.  Do you advise building a mud hut and living under a freeway overpass or would it be better to move to Antarctica and try to create a life communing with vicious sea eels?
---Tweaked Out In Tehachapi

Dear Tweaked,
Good Luck,

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Saturday SlobberLove

I would NOT be exaggerating to say that an organized shelf brings me joy on the level that I imagine people who go to church regularly and see and converse with god must feel.  The kind of joy that bow-legged grandmas feel when they see their 97 grandchildren ALL AT ONCE in the park surrounded by balloons and Crock-Pots full of food and falling apart wooden benches covered with crepe paper tablecloths secured down with rocks. The kind of joy I just know that tormented looking checker with the hugely alienating hair and scowl at Albertsons must feel when I, without fail, smile and make mild, warm and respectful conversation with regardless of the fact that he looks as though his entire life has added up to a gigantic bunch of sadness like none of us will ever know. 

I say this about The Joy of an Organized Shelf because I have been on an Organization Tear lately and have grappled with the overwhelming questions that come along with Organizing that can only be answered while sweating internally at The Container Store and I have persisted and endured and I am here to tell you that there is, indeed, light at the end of the tunnel and it is only a matter of days that I will have organized THE ENTIRE GARAGE.

As you were,
Brigadier General Basket C. Label

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Things I Don't Understand, Items 282 thru 284

282. Why parchment paper doesn't burst into flames in the oven
283. When mentally imbalanced people write self-help books
284. Republicans

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Cooper Being Mick Jagger at The Grammys

"Regardless of the fact that I am Nine Hundred and Forty Five Years Old I still have the cutest hiney in the world," he says before breaking into another mind blowing rooster dance that makes the crowd, and anyone within seven million miles, go WILD.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Monday Judgements and Warnings

If your plan is to get all Cyd Charisse leggy in your silk stockings and cook up an eleven course meal for your man while wearing only a chiffon apron and a hat that says "HOT BUNS" in Laura Ashley calligraphy and then be MISSUS RAVAGE in the candle light glow of Valentine's Day evening, you need to know that all of this will go straight into the crapper if you happen to catch a glimpse of Joe Lieberman because that grey face toady man is GUAR-OON-DAMN-TEED to put a damper on anyone's sump'n sump'n.

Romance is a fragile thing,
Cecelia Sweatpants

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Things I Don't Understand, Items 279 thru 281

279. When people set their clocks ahead of the actual time it is in order to ensure punctuality
280. Why there are sometimes six mattress stores in the same block
281. Oxtail stew

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Cooper Being Christopher Walken in The Dead Zone

"Oh my GOD she's smiling again," he says, shortly before being completely enveloped by Brooke Adams' giant horsey grin.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Monday Judgements and Warnings

The following is based on actual events.

One day, prior to a big ass travel event with husband and dog, I decided that I was going to ONCE AND FOR GOD DAMN POOPING ALL get to the bottom of my irrational (although I must say I totally disagree---have you seen the chompers on those beasts?) and unrealistic fear of bears.  I have purposefully lower cased those Mister Scary Hairy Claw-i-nators in order to lessen my fear---you see how I did that?  I happen to know that black bears (or was it brown bears?) cannot attack through computer screens so I know that as I type this I am relatively safe.

ANYHOO---so one day I decided to get all pragmatic and actually do some VERY SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH about bears and how dangerous they are.  AND DO NOT GIVE ME THAT CRAP ABOUT MAKE YOURSELF BIG OR WHATEVER. 

As I was saying, on this particular Madame Curie type of day I decided I would become Margaret Mead and actually gather facts in order to assuage my terror and so I went to Google and I typed:

overcoming fear of

And you know how Google gets all intuitive and psychic and starts to list all the stuff other people or raccoons have typed before you?  Here is the list of Google Human Fears:

public speaking


Regardless, I forged on and typed:

fear of

This is what I got:

beautiful women
the Pope
having painful bowel movements

Although I can TOTALLY RELATE to being afraid of almost each and every thing on this last list (I happen to adore trees) I was further alarmed at the absence of FEAR OF BEARS so I tried ONE MORE Google search:

overcoming fear of bear

and before I could finish with the "s" Google instantly regurgitated FEAR OF BEAR MARKETS.

I am now more alarmed than ever because I think I have discovered a bear conspiracy that involves some kind of bizarre hostage information thing where all the bears in the world are hoarding scary bear facts in order to render all humans brain dead about the fact that BEARS ARE FUCKING SCARY.

I rest my case. 
Connie Cub

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes, after I've called the Thai place and I've submitted my order for the delivery of a delectable Thai meal I feel a large thrill knowing that SOON I WILL BE DROWNING SOME BROWN RICE WITHIN AN INCH OF ITS LIFE IN YELLOW CURRY SAUCE and in that moment I believe myself to be the luckiest person on earth.

Give me pad thai or give me death,
Nora Noodle

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Things I Don't Understand, Items 276 thru 278

276. Gerard Butler
277. Why your own farts smell perfectly lovely and other people's farts smell alarmingly hideous
278.  Professional Bowling

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Cooper Being a Bicycle Seat

"Hop on.  I'll take you for a whirl around the shire," he says, trying to drum up business.