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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Cooper Being Cate Blanchett in Lord of the Rings

"...and it was in this SHIRE that the hobbit Frodo BAGGINS was given the Ring of POWER while SIMULTANEOUSLY battling with the GOO-GOO DOLLS of MIDDLE EARTH high above the trees that actually were NOT trees but were kind of MEN who looked like SLY STONE from Sly and the Family Stone and who ventured FORTH leaving bloated old BILBO back in the CRAP PALACE he lived in far beyond the terrible awful ORCS who were CONSTIPATED UNHAPPY and then onward, onward, onward toward TIGHT PONY TAILED Gandalf the Grey (because good god that long grey hair should be enough to protect us from all the enemies) and then the ONE RING, the ONE RING and GONDOR and the FELLOWSHIP and the LAVA and IS SEAN ASTIN'S MOTHER REALLY PATTY DUKE? although there is MY PRECIOUS and all the hideousness of the MINES OF MORIA not to mention HOW HAIRY OUR BIG ASS FEET ARE!," he says before we hit him over the head with a hammer.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Tuesday Recipe

Uncomfortable Afternoon Stew Ingredients

2 lbs. surprise Bible Verse references, rinsed and finely chopped
1 "Happy Hump Day!!!" greeting, flattened with rolling pin or meat mallet
4 cups Scowly Mad Face
9 gallons freshly brewed doubt
2 tsp. fried brain feeling, minced
2 tsp. jumpy yuck nervousness, minced
fear and wonder to taste

Monday, June 28, 2010

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Just suppose you're conversing with a person who seems to be hell bent on confusing you like how those awful scary "researchers" tried to confuse Genevieve Bujold in Coma.


Perhaps you find yourself interacting with someone who is talking down to you as if you were a paralyzed marionette and they were your Gepetto when Gepetto is on an angry violent bender.


Now! You might think that the best thing to do in either of these situations is to feign a grand mal seizure or to run away SWIFTLY while pretending to talk on your cell phone in a way that telegraphs I AM DEALING WITH AN EMERGENCY! but you would be wrong because what if you do not have your cell phone?

Luckily I am one of several thousand scientists who've been working on this area of human experience and the early conclusive results reveal that the best way to react to a Psychic Mugging is to remain stock still, gird your loins (in whatever way feels best for you), look your Mugger in the eye and say (in your BEST Gary Coleman voice):


An option is to follow this up with a hoity toity head shake back and forth but this may not be needed.

Best Wishes For Your Continued Success,
Beula Bargeface

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Things I Don't Understand, Items 190 thru 192

190. Pants-Around-the-Bottom-Of-the-Butt style
191. Copenhagen
192. How admitted Barry Manilow fans get through life unscathed

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Cooper Being a Sea Horse

"Would you think I was a magical sea creature if I told you that I navigate my way around under here by passing gas and then letting the bubbles propel me forward?" he asks, as he speeds past a manatee.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Things I Like More Than BP CEO Tony Hayward

1. Being slugged in the face with a tire iron
2. Cardboard underwear
3. Forcing myself to stare at a photograph of Joan and Melissa Rivers
4. Violent locust swarms during supper
5. Herpes

Monday, June 21, 2010

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Someone, somewhere may have evidence to the contrary but I have never seen anything of value occur when a person decides to squeeze themselves into a neon Kelly green SKIN TIGHT sweatsuit and then strut their stuff around the ol' neighborhood.

As a matter of fact, I would go so far as to say this kind of reckless activity causes severe and lasting damage.

Just Keep Walking and Don't Make Eye Contact,
Franny Frightened

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Things I Don't Understand, Items 187 thru 189

187. Why Hannah Storm insists on dressing like she's at an 80's Disco pounding back Long Island Iced Teas
188. Emailers addicted to using capital letters
189. Who decided that John Voight should play Howard Cossell in Ali

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Cooper Being Lindsay Lohan

This photo of the troubled booze hound starlet was taken moments after he drove a Prius through the wall of a crowded nightclub where Samantha Ronson was DJ'ing.

"Excuse me but, like, it is so EFFED up to not call someone back," he says, before kicking several nearby security guards in the groin.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I'm writing to you in a last ditch effort to get help in a situation that very well may be hopeless. My husband and I have sought assistance from the ACLU, Gloria Allred and our local Congressman, to no avail, and having exhausted all of our known resources we are currently living under a freeway overpass. The stark truth of our life is that we did not like the movie Avatar. I REPEAT: WE DID NOT LIKE THE MOVIE AVATAR (a therapist suggested that we say this out loud as much as possible in an attempt to take the gas out of the planet explosion it will most likely manifest)and because of this---WE DID NOT LIKE AVATAR AND ACTUALLY THOUGHT IT WAS BORING AND STUPID---our life is in shambles. We're writing you, NOT for you to try to talk us into why we SHOULD like the movie Avatar, WE DID NOT LIKE THE MOVIE AVATAR AND ONE OF US ACTUALLY FELL ASLEEP WHEN WE RENTED THIS MOVIE, we wanted to know if you think it is better for us to move to a Goat Farm in Slovenia or if we should just turn ourselves in to the authorities at our local police department and accept our life sentence as loathsome outcasts?
---Freaked Out and Flatulent in Fulton

Dear Flatulent,
Good luck,

Monday, June 14, 2010

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Sometimes, in the all alone early early morning, I get afraid that Taylor Swift is going to take over the world and I imagine that when she does she is going to force all of us to grow our hair really long and rock out more because, well, music is healing y'all.

And if that isn't scary enough, in the stark light of daybreak, I push myself even farther to see how much SHEER TERROR I can endure and I spend just a few seconds (that's all I can take) picturing Taylor VERY CHEERILY visiting every single person in the world by personally knocking on their door to tell them that Attitude Is a Choice So Choose a Good One and then handing them a little 4 X 6 white and pink framed monstrosity that actually says this (as she is now marketing it) --- Taylor Proverbism --- in her curly writing. And before she jumps onto her big ass bus with the little city in it that has it's own government she yells back You Can Do It!

And the hopeful part is that I know that if I can survive this hideous and frightening storyline, I know I can handle anything.

And in that way I am a survivor and a pioneer.

Dry Heavingly Yours,
Nadine of the Bitter

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Saturday SlobberLove

Today was that kind of summer day that started off gloomy and then slowly revealed itself as a velvet-shiny sort of day.

The sort of day that makes it easy to spend the first portion of it reading in bed until the light signals to you that it's time to tumble into the rest of the day---doing small chores and errands and walks that involve lovely, unawkward conversations with strangers that make you feel proud of yourself for not retreating.

The kind of day that makes you curious about the way the light crosses the porch and what sort of dinner might do that light justice in the evening and how many good views you'll see on the road trip you have planned and what will happen if the hydrangeas continue their fancy show they've been putting on and you feel just perfectly FINE and then you realize that, soon before you know it, it will be Christmas and you think that in certain moments and on certain days you have the best life despite and because of all of it and you know down to your bones for several true hours just how lucky you are.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Things I Don't Understand, Items 184 thru 186

184. Men who wear toupees that look like awnings
185. Fabric softener
186. Oprah's relationship with Stedman (obviously)

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Cooper Being Kate Gosselin on Dancing With the Stars

Here he is seen shaking his head so hard his bangs fell off.

"I had to do something to distract the judges from the fact that I had the rhythm of a parking meter," he says with a very large disturbing smile plastered across his face.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Tuesday Poem

I don't know if I've mentioned that my father died in 2006 and this was the year that my now-husband and I decided it was the year we should get married. Largely because my dad was our favorite person and we were his favorite couple and we thought OH MY HOLY MOLY WE HAVE SUFFERED THIS OTHER-WORLDLY LOSS---WE SHOULD CREATE OUR OWN GIGANTIC JOYFUL GAIN and so we decided to wed. And we pictured how happy he would be and it propelled us into our life union.

But that's not really the point. The point is that my father was on his way to receive the test results that would deliver his No Alzheimer's - Yes Alzheimer's sentence on SEPTEMBER ELEVENTH, TWO THOUSAND AND ONE. Right---you heard me. September 11th, 2001. 9-11.

While the rest of the world equates 9-11-01 with the most devastating terrorist attack our country has ever suffered, my family equates that day with the day that postponed the news that was delivered to us where we learned that our father would begin the slow decline into oblivion. The decline that all family members dread. The decline that, if you ADORE someone, is the decline that is that diagnosis you do not want to hear. How could you? If you love someone, the thing you wish for that person is that they don't lose their mind slowly and painfully and in the most complicated and scary way you could imagine.


So. Here is the poem that I wrote, using the fuel of my father's diagnosis. The diagnosis that eventually took him and that he, in the end, suffered with his particularly elegant form of GRATEFUL SWEETNESS...

It was as if we discovered that we were losing him from one moment to the next, however, we know that things aren't always that way. We all knew in our hearts---my sister, my brother-in-law, my husband, ME---His Truest and Most Devoted Fans that we'd CREATE ANOTHER REALITY for ourselves simply because we loved him enough to pretend that it might not be happening and simply because we reflected his love for us back to him---and this was the thing that kept all of us going. Because of all the people for us NOT to lose it would have been him. And I tried to describe this in a poem.

What The Experts Don't Tell You

It happens the way you'd fear it most
Not from one month to the next
but in one moment: predictable and happy
and in the next: all wrong

The people you hear about on the news
that could never be you
Are around the next corner
Waiting to exchange their life for yours

They want you to know
they don't want to be virtuous
To make something meaningful from their pain
Or establish another foundation in their son's name

They would rather you take their burden from them
Exchange their unwanted tragedy for your freedom
Your unknowing, precarious life
They'd snatch it from you in a minute
if they could

It's Election Day and I always think of him on Election Day and so this post is for him. The Nicest Bolshevik I Have Ever Known.

The Hopeful Griever

Monday, June 7, 2010

Monday Judgements and Warnings

This morning as I left my house I thought to myself Wait, I can't war the answer? Or is war NOT the answer? and just as I thought this one of those new Jaguars flew by and on the back of this Jaguar was a bumper sticker that said:


And so I thought, OK! There ya go, we're are all clear. War is NOT the answer. No answer--this war stuff. Phew. But then I thought, Well, holy chriminy, if war is NOT the answer then what the poop is?! Is banning all elastic waisted pants the answer? Is a drunken kitchen performance of Led Zeppelin's Dancing Days sung into a broom handle every five years or so the answer? What is the answer?

And just as I thought this a stealthy-anaconda Prius glided by with a bumper sticker that said:


And I realized that, although I am quite clear now that war is NOT the answer, that it's quite possible that ONE of the answers might be to get someone with a better sense of what is creepy and what is not creepy on the Girl Scout Bumper Sticker Idea Committee.

You know, we could start with that and see where things lead.

Onward, I guess,
Pat of the Perpetually Puzzled

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Saturday SlobberLove

I know this might sound weaselish but I cannot imagine my life without ZIPLOC STORAGE BAGS.

Tillie of the 2 For $2.99 Tribe

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Things I Don't Understand, Items 181 thru 183

181. The Archdiocese
182. Drivers who are addicted to honking
183. Cow tipping

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Cooper Being Jane Fonda in Klute

"DO NOT TELL DABNEY COLEMAN THIS but, aside from Electric Horseman and Cat Balou, Klute was my favorite film experience and NOT just because Donald Sutherland had a tweed hat collection to die for," he says, recalling his life post Roger Vadim-Controller-Barbarella and pre Ted Turner-Straight Shooter-Buffalo Burger Griller.