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Thursday, February 25, 2010

Things I Don't Understand, Items 139 thru 141

139. Borscht
140. Books like "How To Rule the World From Your Couch"
141. Pet ferrets

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Cooper Being Hilary Swank in Amelia


"I do not believe that any person can have trousers that are TOO high waisted," he says, quoting the famous gap toothed pilot.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Monday Charades

I'm going to do an imitation of something and you guess what it is, ok?
Here we go. What am I?

DEAR SO AND SO,

HELLO! HOW ARE YOU. DID YOU KNOW THAT 9 GAZILLION HUNDRED THOUSAND PIGEON TOED SENIOR CITIZENS LOSE THEIR SHOES EVERY DAY? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T LET THESE SENIOR CITIZENS GO SHOELESS. PLEASE FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER KNOWN IN ORDER FOR THE ELDERLY TO KEEP THEIR PRECIOUS ZAPATAS.

IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE TIME TO FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AND YOU ONLY FORWARD THIS TO:

ONE MILLION PEOPLE---YOU WILL JUST BARELY ESCAPE A LIFE LIVED IN THE GUTTER, BEGGING FOR SCRAPS OF LEFTOVER BACON

ONE THOUSAND PEOPLE---YOU WILL BE KIDNAPPED BY THE MAFIA AND SERVE AS THE MAID TO A HIDEOUS DRUG LORD WHO HAS AN OBSESSION WITH CLEAN TOILETS

ONE HUNDRED PEOPLE---YOU WILL LOSE YOUR EYES WITHIN TWO WEEKS

ONE PERSON---YOU WILL HAVE THE WORST CASE OF GAS ANYONE HAS EVER HAD. IT WILL BE LOUD, STINKY CESSPOOL GAS AND YOU WILL HAVE THIS SONIC BOOM GAS AT YOUR WEDDING AND ON YOUR HONEYMOON YOU WILL BE TAKEN HOSTAGE BY ANGRY NATIVES AND THEY WILL USE YOU AS THE MAIN INGREDIENT IN THEIR STINKY HUMAN STEW

SO FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW, OKAY! AND DO THIS WITHIN THE NEXT THREE MINUTES OR YOU'LL BE FUCKING SORRY :)

Ok, that is the end of my imitation and your entire clue.
What am I?

Friday, February 19, 2010

Friday Conclusion

I'm not telling you how to live your life but trust me when I tell you that you WILL become an outcast if you share your heartfelt admiration for the "Let's Hear It For the Boy" scene in Footloose.

If you do not heed this warning and one day the conversation drifts toward the subject of John Lithgow or proms in barns or Kevin Bacon's hair and you blurt out Oh! That scene on the football field when Chris Penn is learning how to dance! I just love that scene!---if you say this IN YOUR OUT LOUD VOICE, there will be a price to pay.

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

IN ORDER TO CARRY OUT YOUR MISSION THERE WILL BE TIMES WHEN YOU AND ONLY YOU WILL KNOW YOUR SECRET IDENTITY AND YOU MUST NEVER REVEAL THIS TO ANYONE. EVER.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Things I Don't Understand, Items 136 thru 138

136. Satin sheets
137. What needs to be on your resume in order to secure the job of umbrella holder for Christina Aguilera
138. The phrase "Have a good one"

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Cooper Being the Guitar Player From AC/DC


Now residing at So Young! Retirement Village, he still wears his famous school boy outfit 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.

"Why fix what isn't broken?" he asks, before pitching forward into his walker.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Do you think the people responsible for the layout at IKEA were going for a feeling that mimicked the terrifying maze scene in The Shining or did they simply want to create a gargantuan public place where couples could go and get infuriated with one another in front of onlookers---kind of like a giant Argument Zoo?
---In Need of a Martini in Mackinac

Dear Need,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Cooper Being a Sensitive Valentine


"No liver scented roses?" he asks, before storming out of the house.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Things I Don't Understand, Items 133 thru 135

133. Peach Schnapps
134. Why the joy of exfoliation must be so short-lived
135. Gummi bears

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Cooper Being Barbra Streisand


Here he is seen daydreaming about playing footsie with James Brolin and how to cure the stage fright induced projectile diarrhea that has plagued him since Funny Girl.

"There are times when I think I, alone, keep Depends in business," he says, looking extremely discouraged.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

This evening my husband and I heard a report on Keith Olberman involving Gary Coleman and the fact that there are NO nude photographs of him on the Internet. We would have otherwise dismissed this as a horrible scheme to break the hearts of all humans everywhere but the source of this report was GARY COLEMAN HIMSELF so, knowing that we must now accept this revolting reality---THAT THERE WILL BE NO NUDE PHOTOGRAPHS OF GARY COLEMAN FOR VIEWING---do you know if there will be a FEMA sponsored Regroup-Recover-Rebuild Movement or will the Red Cross simply provide constant grief counseling at various stadiums throughout the country?
---Seriously Considering Smothering Ourselves in Snohomish

Dear Ourselves,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday, February 8, 2010

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Hi. I'm a Sunflower and here is my To-Do List:

1. Wake up, practice Happy Round Ruffle Face in the mirror
2. Purchase wire for wilty neck muscles
3. Attend the Are Your Petals As Fanned As They Could Be? lecture at The Sunflower Institute
4. Submit curriculum vitae to florist for upcoming Simon-Berman wedding, prepare for "Peonies-Roses-Gardenias Only" rejection letter
5. Finish reading Yellow Like Me

Friday, February 5, 2010

Friday Conclusion

I've overcome many obstacles in my life---the least of which include a sister that would not keep her greedy monkey paws off my clothes during High School and a mother who had the annoying habit of purchasing not one, but two, Pintos and a Monza.

You would think that such adversity would have steeled me against the harsh terrain of life's landscape but you would be wrong. You see, nothing prepares a person for the stark cruelty that must be endured when one mutters, under one's breath at lunch over tacos at Rubios, that one is not fond and actually hates the whole guitar solo thing.

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

REGARDLESS OF ANY HARDSHIP YOU MIGHT HAVE ENDURED, IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, IF YOU TAKE THE CHANCE OF ADMITTING THAT YOU DON'T LIKE JIMI HENDRIX, YOU MUST BE PREPARED FOR DEPORTATION.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Things I Don't Understand, Items 130 thru 132

130. When people have nine thousand stuffed animals in the back of their car
131. STOMP!
132. The movement to recycle toilet water into drinking water

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Cooper Being Eugene O'Neill


This photo, taken moments before he threw the pages of his unpublished manuscript My Nose Is A Compass all over his living room floor and then staggered down the street and vomited into his neighbor's hydrangea, captures the famously reclusive author's unparalleled need for solitude. And bourbon.

"Oh, F Off!," he could be heard screaming, for no good reason.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Listen up and listen very carefully. If you happen to run into Quentin Tarentino without advance notice and you have no idea what to say or do here are two suggestions you might consider:

1. Say "Hello Quentin. How are you? It is nice to see you. Do you miss being boyfriend and girlfriend with Mira Sorvino?"

OR

2. Gather up several of your finest cashmere sweaters and approach the human armoire furniture face that is Quentin Tarentino and ask him if you can place your clothing in the drawer that seems to be his chin.

Best Wishes For Your Continued Success,
Viv the Far Sighted Seamstress