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Monday, August 30, 2010

Monday Judgements and Warnings

In the end, if we're all honest with ourselves, I think we can all relax and look each other straight in the eye and admit---without regret and without shame---that power scarves were and are an  illusion that provided nothing of value other than to remind us that there was only one other thing worse than shoulder pads.

I Am Woman, Hear Me Doubt,
Gidget Go To Hell

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Sunday Prayer

Sometimes, when I watch the Emmy's, and some handsome guy or girl talks about some awful thing that's happening and he or she gets all bloated and acts like he or she is Jonas Salk or somethin' er uther and goes on about WE SHOULD and WE WILL and PAKISTAN and TAKES A VILLAGE and OUR CRAFT and THIS IS YOURS AS MUCH AS MINE and WE HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO TEACH THE WORLD I just wish that he or she would get a sudden and startling and completely incapacitating big gnarly out-of-control stinky ass butt violent attack of exploding diarrhea that would make him or her run off stage screaming for a diaper.

But that's just me.  Because I'm mean and resentful in my prayer.  And I realize that this hateful trait will deliver me a fiery reckoning one day.  And I am prepared for that because I know nothing...AND I MEAN NOTHING that happens to me will be as bad as what should happen to Jewell.

Color me crotchety,
Helen the Hisser

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Things I Don't Understand, Items 217 thru 219

217.  Why no one has ever thought to utilize the mind bendingly bright light that shines from cable boxes to look for missing necklace clasps on the floor of the Amazon Rainforest in pitch black darkness
218.  How incapacitating the feelings of disbelief, horror, outrage and betrayal can be when cream curdles in coffee
219.  Dried flowers

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Cooper Being Helen Hunt in Twister

"Filming that movie was terrifying but I'd already lived through seven hundred thousand fifty eight million episodes of Mad About You so I knew I could survive anything," he says, moments before a cow driving a Pontiac hurls into his forehead.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Sometimes, when people tell me that they're strong or they're brave, I look at them as if I believe what they're saying and I nod my head in comrade-like validation but inside I'm thinking Yeah, but do you have the courage to confront Steve Jobs about his addiction to mom jeans? 

Just because we ignore it doesn't mean it isn't so,
Tillie Truthstein
Truth Squad, Tenth Division

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Sunday Prayer

Sometimes on Sunday we pause and we reflect on the lord and what is most important in our lives. 

And we briefly curse the long armed ones for focusing primarily on the laundry instead of lobbing our precious Squeaker Toy and we wait and we wait and we stare and we stare and we stare until one of the long armed ones says "look he reminds me of Anthony Hopkins in Magic" and then instead of growling or charging or snapping we sit and we wait more whilst keeping in mind that They Know Not What They Do and then we go outside and we make a pee pee.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Friday Conclusion

This morning, as I ran out the door to work (I wasn't actually running, it was more like I was lumbering along in a quagmire of sleepy nauseated anxiety) but as I was about to leave I remembered that I had VOWED to myself that I would start eating a healthy breakfast FOR THE LOVE OF GOD how many times do I have to hear this wisdom advice before I believe it? and as I thought this I swiped an avocado from the avocado thing-dish-holder on top of the microwave and then---after I had been at work for a bit---I decided that I was going to eat my avocado.

So I scurried into the OTHER KITCHEN on the OTHER SIDE of the building. As if I were in Macy's in the Teen department and then I crossed over into the Large Lady Living department and I rooted through the drawers in the OTHER UNKNOWN-ISH KITCHEN confounded by all the foreign mysteriousnous of this kitchen I rarely spend time in although there were some things that made me feel at home like the signs about washing your own freaking dishes and such and eventually I was able to find a nice paper plate with little lavender flowers on it that was the absolute perfect size for my avocado and as I was about to slice into my healthy breakfast I thought I should share half of this and I quick like a stealthy Prius shot down the hall and asked my co-worker if she would be game to share half of my avocado---no strings attached--- and she said ABSOLUTOMUNDO! so I ran back to my cutting station after acquiring a REAL BUTTER KNIFE from my co-worker who was about to be the recipient of a NICE HEALTHY BREAKFAST GIFT (she just produced it Houdini-like from her drawer; that's just the type of miracle worker she is) and I cut my avocado, salted it using one of those little dwarfish paper cube salt things and after delivering my Avocado Gift to my knife lender and fellow avocado lover I went back to my desk and enjoyed the most perfect avocado I think anyone of earth has ever enjoyed. It was sheer and utter ambrosia in consistency and color and taste. It was as if it was here to teach me that having breakfast is very worthwhile.

So I had that going for me.

And if that wasn't enough, after I finished my perfect avocado feast, I was looking in my wallet for the Bed, Bath and Beyond receipt that had the Vornado fan on it that broke---I found an EXTRA Menchie's frozen yogurt frequent purchaser ticket-card thingy with two punches in it! so right before I went to lunch while I was standing with my dear friend and co-worker at the elevator I DASHED back over to the butter knife lender avocado lover and left the Menchie's card on her desk and I envisioned her face lighting up with joy when she saw it and I knew that whatever one might say about me one could never say that I am not thoughtful and that I do not savor the small yet gigantic everyday joys of life. Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:


Later Gator,
Betty Brightside

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Things I Don't Understand, Items 214 thru 216

214. Why Dustin Hoffman acts like he's Queen Elizabeth
215. The Don't-Give-Money-To-Homeless-People-Because-They'll-Spend-It-On-Alcohol-or-Drugs assface argument
216. Parboiling

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Cooper Being Brad Pitt in Ocean's Eleven

Here he is seen having a stare down with Don Cheadle that was famously interrupted by one of George Clooney's World Famous Wild and Crazy Zany Wacky On Set Practical Jokes.

"The guy just likes to find excuses to give other people really bad melvins," he says, as he unwraps his underwear from around his earlobes.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Things I Like More Than John Boehner

1. AstroTurf towels
2. Having my peaceful homestead be overtaken by a gang of angry possums
3. Falling into a well
4. Being forced to wear only yellow clothing
5. Bone spurs

Monday, August 16, 2010

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Not that I'm an expert on zoning or anything but shouldn't there be some sort of permit required in order to wear jodphurs?

Send in the clowns,
Wendy Weird Outfit

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Things I Don't Understand, Items 211 thru 213

211. Green Jujyfruits
212. Ina Garten's marriage to Jeffrey
213. Why you never hear much about the nail polish color naming industry

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Cooper Being Barbra Streisand in Prince of Tides

"Come back to me Nick Nolte---you crazed wispy haired lunatic you," he says, moments before ripping off his pants and asking a nearby tourist HAVE YOU EVER SEEN LEGS THIS GORGEOUS?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Everywhere I look on the Internet I see a very important notice that proclaims FOLLOW THIS ONE SIMPLE RULE AND LOSE YOUR BELLY FAT FOREVER! and I've never taken the time to investigate this No Belly Fat Formula That Is Unusually Easy but I was wondering if you knew---does the one rule to losing belly fat involve NOT consuming 3/4 of a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Macadamia like a crazed (albeit happy) baboon in front of the T.V. while RIPPING TO SHREDS last year's movie about Tolstoy with your hubby OR does the one ridiculously DUMBO rule to rid your tummy lard involve simply saying THANK YOU KINDLY, BUT NO to any offers of large, piping hot Snicker doodles during the work day?
---Bewildered and Bloated in Beaver Creek

Dear Bloated,
Good luck,

Monday, August 9, 2010

Monday Judgements and Warnings

If you happen to be unfortunate enough to cross the path of some know-it-all acquaintance who goes to the mat with you on the gas inducing quality of cucumbers and they maniacally cite that older than the hills You-Burn-More-Calories-Chewing-Them argument like some crazed gastrointestinal trivia obsessed hyena just keep your cool, take a sip of your lemon water and state very calmly but with confidence:


You've got to draw the line somewhere,
Vera of The Vigilant

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Things I Don't Understand, Items 208 thru 210

208. Splenda addicts
209. Why Peter O'Toole decided he should look exactly like a cross between Gloria Swanson and Siegfried in the movie Troy
210. Mechanical pencils

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Cooper Being a Woman Who Loves Too Much

"Oh my god please don't go please don't go please don't go...wait where you going?! Oh dear lord please please please don't go..don't're're're gone...DON'T GIVE TREATS TO OTHER DOGS!!!...oh dear god no I know you're leaving me for another dog...DON'T LEAVE!...DON'T LEAVE...Is it because I'm too gassy?...I KNEW IT!...I'm too gassy...the truth comes out...THAT'S FINE! I'M FINE!-I'm FINE!-I'll wait here.DON'T LEAVE!...Sorry...You're coming back!...THAT'S YOU AND YOU'RE COMING BACK I LOVE YOU HOW YOU'RE WALKING BACK TO ME! YAY!! LET'S PLAY!...Can we play? YAY! THERE YOU ARE!...BRAVO FOR ME!...I waited...I waited for you...and I was FINE...So now here you are returning to me at last (PHEW! I KNEW YOU WOULD---I KNEW IT!)...and we'll play and snuggle now???RIGHT?...we're gonna play now, RIGHT?" he pants, shortly before passing out.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Things I Like More Than the Tea Party

1. Violent mud slides in the middle of the night
2. Speaking in public without pants on
3. Hee-Haw reruns
4. Cheese grater massages
5. Being in a relationship with Mel Gibson

Monday, August 2, 2010

Monday Judgements and Warnings

On days that seem kinda gloomy or that seem to have that Essence Of Barf to them that inevitably create moments (possibly hours) that make me feel like pole vaulting into the dumpster next to the parking garage at work where I could snuggle in and meditate or organize my wallet until the authorities come to find me---on days such as this I employ a very crafty Mind Trick that works like a charm because Number One: It is silent and Number Two: It is swift.

What I do is I picture my thoughts as unruly little daisies and then I gather them around me like a little Poo Day Bouquet and I picture myself as a very wise gardener and I think upon my challenges and my struggles and just when I think I have it badder than bad and I can't find any alternative other than having a really big yard sale prior to moving into the Motel 6 on Pico I take a deep breath and I think this thought:


And within moments I regain my composure and I move onward, swiftly up the mountain.

See You At the Finish Line,
Coach Carl P. Crackpot