Things I Don't Understand, Items 404 thru 406

404. How they get Sauvignon Blanc to taste like buffalo armpits
405. Why the Mayan calendar didn't mention any prophecies about 2011 being The Year That Would Produce the Most Photographs of Brutal Dictators Having the Worst Hair Days of Their Lives
406. Jazz that becomes upsetting

Cooper Being Woody Allen in Zelig

Here he miraculously transforms his entire body into hardwood floor panelling as everyone within eye shot gasps in wonder.

Of his astounding ability to turn into whatever or whoever he was near, including the entire Mormon Tabernacle choir, a horse fly and lime jello, he once said "No big whoop."

Monday Judgements and Warnings

YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM A HUSBAND AND HIS PILES OF WIRES.

Screw your jumbled up and tangled mayhem,
Odelette Orderly
President
Where Have All the Bare Surfaces Gone?, Inc.

Sunday Prayer

Dear Santa,

I know you are not the one in charge of things, even though you have the largest black shiny belt on earth and your bushy eyebrows --- the way you allow them to run amok --- are a testament to the beauty of being comfortable in your own skin, but could you throw a little Ease and Fluidity and Unshakable Confidence in my stocking this Christmas so that I may move forward into this next year with a certain unstoppable momentum that buoys me instead of overwhelms me and while you're at it can you take my tired longing for all that does not reflect my own goodness and can you replace that longing with a wise and constant voice that is louder and clearer than all the darkness that is so easy to cover myself over with.

Over and out,
Tina Tinselheart

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes on Saturday, when the lunatics we live with are busy making a racket downstairs, assigning food that hasn't even been prepared yet to dishes and platters and bowls, we like to take a little breather and tip toe up to the quietest part of the house and listen for the sound of overweight man feet and reindeer hooves walking on the roof and if we are able to achieve total silence we swear we can smell the aroma of Pupperonis soaring across the late afternoon sky and straight into our eager nostrils.

Go, Santa, Go,
Baby Jesus of the Badbreathlehem

Things I Don't Understand, Items 401 thru 403

401. The color of Newt Gingrich's wife's hair
402. How mutinous pajama bottoms can be
403. Why someone doesn't shoot a torpedo straight into the faces of newscasters who psychotically harp on the whole Zany Christmas Shoppers Who Wait Until the Last Minute! story angle

Cooper Being Keanu Reeves in Point Break

"Am I as handsome as I think I am?" he asks a nearby production assistant.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I've been using Facebook for about a year and I've noticed that there are some buttons missing.  I get the Like and Share buttons.  I use those a lot---just to give a shout out to my FB homies if you know what I mean.  But I was wondering if you knew where the following buttons are because I cannot find them:

*You and your partner are late stage alcoholics and should go to the emergency room
*Unjustifiably Conceited
*Do you think you'll ever stop?
*I doubt your story
*It seems like you practice your smile in the mirror
*Thank you for showing me how petty and judgmental I am
*Loathe
*Too much nose hair
*Cornball, About To Unfriend

Do I need to download a specific app in order to get these to work or should I just get goin' on my feedback in the comment section?
---Eagerly Waiting To Offer Input In Ypsilanti

Dear Input,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I know it Tis the Season of Love and Joy and Reynolds Wrap and Orange Zest and Glenfiddich and all that but just so you know Tis also the Season of Receiving You-Dead-Lil-Missy Looks Just Because You Don't Have a PhD In Tim Tebow.

If you need me I'll be hiding in my stocking,
Dumbshit, The Unknowingest Elf

Sunday Prayer

That’s what it is.  It’s that I lost him.  It’s that I saw him, leaving---in the act of leaving---AS he was leaving, and I ran into the room and I threw my body across him.

Don’t leave don’t leave don’t leave.  Don’t leave me.

His eyes are not his now.  I see that he is not in this room with me.  With us.

“Is he dying? Is he dying?” we ask the hospice nurse.

I want him to know how much I love him.  I want him to know that he was a good father. 

The best father.  The finest father who showed me how to be. How to overcome struggle. He had this way about him.  He had this simple grounded way of being. 

“You were always my metronome,” I tell him, “I will always strive to be more like you.”

Above all.  Above everything and all of this---I do not want him to go.  But my sister and I tell him that it’s okay for him to leave.  I think we’ve read this somewhere or we just know it in our bones like how you know it is not polite to pry.

Maybe he will be able to breathe freely now. Big, wide open breaths from the bottom of his belly.  And lots of walking.

We’re still worried he will be lost without us. 

I know I’ll be lost without him.  My fan club.  My advocate.  That face with those sweet eyes.  I will miss the way he looked at me.  Proud.  Loyal.  

His view of me is what I clung to.

But in this moment I am the one to hold onto his delicate hand and whisper to him that he was the best and that he is my hero and such good company and that I hope he knows that.

I mix tenses in the midst of death.

Mostly I know I don’t want him to go. Mostly I know I will never recover even though I know he will want me to, I won’t.  

I’ll stay here, terrified, with my sister.  We will usher him out knowing there will now just be two of us.  Two of what was once three. It is this thought that we will spend the rest of our lives processing.

Mostly I want him to know that I will always wonder what he was thinking as he left.  Did he know it was the three of us together in those last moments?  Did he know that we rallied around him to hold his hand and tell him we loved him and make sure his pillow was placed just right? Did he feel our presence and our love?  Did he understand that we would never be the same without him?

Maybe this is why I chase beauty.  Maybe this is why I long for a glimpse of that beach or sky or bird or smile or shadow or moon that envelopes me and takes me to that particular place that is equal parts beauty and equal parts pain.

He told me once that to see the world in a way that does it justice is to be thin skinned because that is the only way that all of it can get through.  And as it does get through, even though it feels amazing, it feels simply awful all at the same time.

Here's to all the thin skinned ones.  Here's to the scary beauty, everywhere making us shake in our bones and reminding us of everything we've ever known.

You say boo-hoo like it's a bad thing,

Big Mama Maudlin

Things I Don't Understand, Items 398 thru 400

398. Pickled herring
399. The color periwinkle
400. Bullies

Cooper Being Mata Hari

In this photo, taken from his book How To Be An Interloper, he demonstrates the advanced Neck-Stretch-Over-Chair-Arm technique that he infamously used to eavesdrop on and then overtake a gathering of distracted panko encrusted apricot pork chop, flaky dinner roll and roasted potato eaters, thereby enabling him to acquire the most gigantic and prolonged ground score of all time.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I am aware that Apple and Microsoft and Google and that lady that lives in iPhones are in the process of taking over the world but do you know if these devices will eventually make my beloved potholders obsolete and, if so, should my menu planning be focused solely on lukewarm foods?
---Freaked Out and Forlorn in Folsom

Dear Freaked,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Hello class.  Here are the Age Bracket Guidelines regarding when you can use the word "toot" when you're talking about farting:

In utero - age four:  YES

Age four -  death:  NO

If you think this is a joke---think again,
Professor Punch In Face

Things I Don't Understand, Items 395 thru 397

395. Christmas songs sung by Fiona Apple
396. How wrong it feels that other people drive on my favorite
secret shortcut street
397. Who, exactly, determines the preparation time for recipes

Cooper Being Julia Roberts in Flatliners

The toothy actress, seen here in a coma on the set, fell in love with Kiefer Sutherland while filming the star studded thriller.

"It was a combination of his unlaced high top sneakers, his trench coat, his bi-level poodle haircut and his binge drinking," he says, swooning.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

This afternoon I was driving behind a bright white extra jumbo Cadillac Escalade and at first when I saw it careen in front of me after not stopping at the 4-Way stop we found ourselves I was quite alarmed because it appeared out of nowhere and it looked so much like the continent of Antarctica that I thought I was about to be ramrodded by a glacier but I was relieved to see that it was just a super duper building sized SUV with an angry lady who looked, ironically, like a seal wearing a LOT of makeup and after she nearly sideswiped me and stuck her big fat car butt in my face I noticed a bumper sticker that said:

IF NOT FOR LOVE THEN WHY?

And she was in too much of a rage filled skirmish with other drivers at the time but had she slowed down for just a moment I could have told her:  CHEETOS.


I Calls 'em Likes I Sees 'em,
Henrietta Honker

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes on Saturday we like to gnaw ourselves into such a Chew Trance that the only thing to bring us back into this dimension is the sound of the Greenies package opening and every time this mystical scenario happens we freeze with joy because we simply cannot believe the limitless quality of our glorious bounty.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 392 thru 394

392. Adele's hair
393. The way midwifery is pronounced
394. Why Giada De Laurentiis has to smile like a crazy killer person when she has so much going for her