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Sunday, September 19, 2010

Sunday Secret

There is no way I would ever write about this but if I were to write about this I would tell you that:

1. I think in black and white, relentlessly
2. I don't believe in God---as a matter of fact---the fact that I capitalized the G just now made me feel like a hypocrite
3. I only know that I do not know
4. If I could I would lighten up
5. On most days I believe that to suffer true and deep loss is to join a club that, although there is no turning back and is not much fun, is the only way to burst your heart open and understand that there are very few reasons for existence that happen while standing in line at CostCo

The combination of these 4 things makes for a challenging existence. By challenging I mean---on many days I feel like I am the only member of my own club and so I search for those who are like minded and when I do find a like minded one I sigh and take a step back and just nod my head in recognition because that is the way I would want it.

And despite of or because of this I feel lucky.

On NPR this weekend Ira Glass wove together such incredible stories that there were THREE TIMES I sat in my car, motionless, waiting for the end of the story. And there was one story in particular that held my interest. It was about a young boy---a teenager--- who killed a girl with his car. He was driving one way and she was riding her bike in the other and suddenly she swerved into oncoming traffic and he hit her. Her head cracked his windshield.

The way this story affected me is what I would never tell you. But if I were to tell you I would share that it is these kinds of stories---these stories about unimaginable grief and loss---that give me hope. It is these kinds of stories that I can barely listen to initially---I heard the beginning of this story on Saturday morning and finally heard the end of it on the rebroadcast this evening while I cooked dinner---that hold such comforting truth for me that I must listen to them in stages---more because I want to have that feeling of being less alone, longer.

The thing is that every time I think I know nothing I hear something that makes me feel convinced that I know everything. And on the days when I feel that the losses I have suffered are undeniable burdens in the morning---by late afternoon I am heart burst open grateful that I have experienced the losses that I have because those are the things that bring me clarity and those are the things that find me standing in my kitchen wondering about another person's journey as I would my own.

And all of this is what makes me wonder. So. I guess this is not so much a secret as a sharing and I guess I'm not so much a Black and White thinker as a Person In Search of Gray and I guess I'm not so much a person that does not believe in god as one who believes in Ira Glass.

Yours in Unending Contemplation,
Sergeant Holy Moly


Lori & Ames said...

nodding head over here

The Zadge said...

I was late for my highlights/haircut appointment yesterday because I sat in my car in utter fascination listening to that Ira Glass story. Holy Bologni. And to me, my angels are GOD spelled backwards.

Sarah said...

I think it's OK to capitalize the name God even if you don't believe in him. I don't believe in Oprah, and I capitalize HER name.

I think it only gets weird when you capitalize all pronouns when referring to the aforementioned God.

Joann Mannix said...

My sister said that she believes I feel things bigger than most people do and that she sees this as a blessing and a curse.

And I too am grateful for the days when my heart feels as if it might just crack open from the endless weight of all the big and sad and scary and lovely and happy and beautiful that surrounds me.

I find your confession to be one of those beautiful things. May your heart stay open for all its worth.

Cecelia Winesap said...

Refreshing to hear your truth. Not all of us are that brave.

Little Girl Big Glasses said...

And today Cupcake Murphy is just as spellbinding as Ira Glass. Read it three times. You're good at gray.

Joan Cairns said...

Lovely and wise you are.

bernthis said...

Oh that Black and White thinking has kept me in therapy and in sadness for many years. I'm so tired of it, I am working very hard to not be that way and in those moments when I live in the gray, well, they are the best moments of my day. You are not alone my dear and frankly, I'm happy to hear that I am not either. There are least 2members now in that club

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

Oh Cupcake, you make my heart sing that you are every shade of gray, because I, too, am the absolute anti black and white! And I cry when listening to NPR, too.

linlah said...

god takes a capital, I was sure he was pronoun.

Lora said...

when I opened your feed, the word God stood out before the other words and I was like "Oh god, here we go. Another God blogger"

But then I read on.

The Subtle Rudder said...

I've been a terrible blogger/blogreader lately, but I wanted to tell you I saw this a while back, and nodded my head the whole way through, and found it very brave and moving and resonant. So thank you.