Monday Judgements and Warnings

Sometimes I try to picture what Prince does to celebrate Thanksgiving and if he wears tight velvet bell bottoms and REALLY high heeled boots and whether or not this is alarming to his kin and such but you know, when it comes down to it, I just can't get it all together in my pea brain---Prince's Thanksgiving---however you might have better luck with this concept and although I would never banish you from trying to envision Prince asking for the cranberries down at his end of the table I would simply caution you that not all the images you conjure up will make sense or be particularly pleasant.

Long Live Hair Gel,
Wendy and Lisa

Things I Don't Understand, Items 252 thru 254

252. Overly friendly strangers
253. Exactly how bay leaves work
254. The brussels sprouts hate train

Cooper Being Princess Lea in Star Wars

"I've never told anyone this," he says in a whisper so soft only a hummingbird can hear him, "but I thought that movie was a piece of boring schmaltz."

Then he darts away quickly in case what he uttered was heard by a human.

"I'LL SEND WORD!" he shouts from the bushes.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I know there are SO MANY things to remember as Turkey Day approaches but PLEASE make sure you plan ahead and calculate into your ratios enough food for Will and Jada and Willow and Jaden Smith because you never know when the insanely talented foursome will drop by to perform a dazzling, hip, cutting edge, adorable family production of Fences in your foyer.

Yours in ultimate preparedness,
Sergeant Chicken Stock

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes, when  I get all riled up on the inside and I think I need to find a sweet woodsy Nell-type cabin to live in where no one can reach me and I can just sit on the porch and drink tea and chop wood and fix some stew and knit a new wardrobe and stroll for hours in the forest and make my own jam, I see my neighbor having a gentle little chat with her dog wherein she is advising him that although the sky looks dark and grey and cloudy that it is as fine a time as any to go on a walk and check out the day and he initially is not buying it but after some more adept cajoling he relinquishes and struts on out into the afternoon with her by his side, happy to be among the living.

Oh go on with yer bad self,
Connie Cornball

Things I Don't Understand, Items 249 thru 251

249. Tofurkey
250. Shopping cart road ragers
251. When morning show people go from a horrifying story about mass murder to a segment about how to find the right bra size using the phrase AND ON A MUCH LIGHTER NOTE.

Cooper Being Anthony Hopkins in The Remains of the Day

"There were several scenes in that movie when I was actually sound asleep and snoring," he says, remembering the long months of filming ("it was more like shuffling around") in the English countryside.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Hello. I'm the Diet of a Hormonal Woman and I've converted myself into a list for your viewing pleasure, you selfish bastard.  Oops! Sorry.  I didn't mean to insult you.  Who am I to call you selfish right off the bat?  I mean, you're just sitting there...um...sitting and I have no right to unleash my unmitigated rage on you, you ass.  Whoops!  SORRY!  You see, I'm feeling a little ornery this morning.  I had dreams about tall, angry wolverines in beige leggings from Target and let's just say that stayed with me and colored my morning.  What I'm saying is that HORROR HAS INFLUENCED MY MOOD.  But I digress AND again I am starting to speak in a tone that I can tell makes you ever so slightly terrified.  Again. I apologize.  So, let's get to it.  Here's a sampling of what I have consumed in the last 24 hours:

1. 1/2 bowl of cereal and a few little weird jelly candies (eaten standing in the kitchen at approximately 3 am after being woken up by a harpoon-like foot cramp that I am convinced threatened me in a voice that sounded like Max Von Sydow)

2. 40 quarts of water (again standing in the kitchen at roughly 4:12 am due to being nearly strangled by my nightgown that was drenched in liquid from a violent and sudden night sweat)

3. Breakfast! Granola bar and caramel rice cake (although 1/2 way through a hot flash the temperature of Pompeii erupting causes decrease in appetite as 100% of energy is then focused on TURNING THE FUCKING FAN ON)

4. What I'd like to have:  salami and swiss on rye with extra mayo, two tubs of Dijon mustard, side of slaw, Maui onion Kettle chips, bread and butter pickles and matzo ball soup but instead I opt for a nice (evil?) salad which ends up causing horrible indigestion that can only be treated with candy corn and red licorice left over from niece's Halloween bounty

5. Mid afternoon snack: handful of salt washed down with chocolate milk and a chaser of Blood Orange soda

6. Dinner: red wine and several slices of cheese while growling

7. Late night snack: chips and salsa

I enjoy being a girl,
Hatey Haterson
Hatetown, USA

Saturday SlobberLove

The Cupcake Household is very fond of those cozy weeks that come just before the holidays---when there is a lot of snuggly, grounded, calm nap-time and hearts and minds are full of anticipation and hope and the dread, bloat and intermittent rage one feels during the holidays is poised ever so slightly OFF stage just waiting with several thousand gifts and forty seven million tons of food. 

The Cupcakes love when none of the madness has happened yet and that everything very well may go swimmingly and there will be no hideousness at all.  As a matter of fact, The Cupcakes like to have long conversations about the fact that things and people seem to mellow as time marches on and this is not something that The Cupcakes would have figured to be true or that it would be something that they would love and feel large appreciation for.

But in the days that lead up to that time when all hell breaks loose and one takes stock of how the year has gone and how the new year will go there is that special sleepy nap time when it is of utmost importance to remember to cut all the other fumblers a little slack and simply focus on making sure there are enough serving spoons.

Please pass the salt,

Gilda Gravy

Things I Don't Understand, Items 246 thru 248

246. Hugh Hefner
247. Motocross
248. How confusing and wrong it feels when someone walks in front of your car to use the drive-thru ATM

Cooper Being Kyle MacLachlan in Dune

"Do I look handsome enough?" he says, before asking if he looks handsome enough.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

On the occasion that you should wake up at The 4 A.M. Awful Thoughts Hour and are unable to fall  back into peaceful slumber it WILL NOT help you to think about those blue haired ladies from your childhood who got their hair done every two months in cotton candy shellac style---leaving you to wonder how these helmet head aliens slept and showered in between moldings.

Yours In Creepy Wonder,
Henrietta Hairspray

Things I Don't Understand, Items 243 thru 245

243. Poofy hair
244. Red Bull
245. Strawberry air freshener

Cooper Being a Concerned Democrat

"Is that man with the orange face going to come and take all my toys away?" he asks, nauseous from worry.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Color me alarmist but I have a sinking feeling that Neil Diamond's eyebrows are up to something.

Grab the kids and get inside,
Tweezey Tweezerstein