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Monday, November 15, 2010

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Hello. I'm the Diet of a Hormonal Woman and I've converted myself into a list for your viewing pleasure, you selfish bastard.  Oops! Sorry.  I didn't mean to insult you.  Who am I to call you selfish right off the bat?  I mean, you're just sitting there...um...sitting and I have no right to unleash my unmitigated rage on you, you ass.  Whoops!  SORRY!  You see, I'm feeling a little ornery this morning.  I had dreams about tall, angry wolverines in beige leggings from Target and let's just say that stayed with me and colored my morning.  What I'm saying is that HORROR HAS INFLUENCED MY MOOD.  But I digress AND again I am starting to speak in a tone that I can tell makes you ever so slightly terrified.  Again. I apologize.  So, let's get to it.  Here's a sampling of what I have consumed in the last 24 hours:

1. 1/2 bowl of cereal and a few little weird jelly candies (eaten standing in the kitchen at approximately 3 am after being woken up by a harpoon-like foot cramp that I am convinced threatened me in a voice that sounded like Max Von Sydow)

2. 40 quarts of water (again standing in the kitchen at roughly 4:12 am due to being nearly strangled by my nightgown that was drenched in liquid from a violent and sudden night sweat)

3. Breakfast! Granola bar and caramel rice cake (although 1/2 way through a hot flash the temperature of Pompeii erupting causes decrease in appetite as 100% of energy is then focused on TURNING THE FUCKING FAN ON)

4. What I'd like to have:  salami and swiss on rye with extra mayo, two tubs of Dijon mustard, side of slaw, Maui onion Kettle chips, bread and butter pickles and matzo ball soup but instead I opt for a nice (evil?) salad which ends up causing horrible indigestion that can only be treated with candy corn and red licorice left over from niece's Halloween bounty

5. Mid afternoon snack: handful of salt washed down with chocolate milk and a chaser of Blood Orange soda

6. Dinner: red wine and several slices of cheese while growling

7. Late night snack: chips and salsa

I enjoy being a girl,
Hatey Haterson
Hatetown, USA

11 comments:

Joann Mannix said...

Last night, after soccer practice, not mine but the kids, we went to 5 Guys, at 9:00 p.m. A second personality came over me and decided that my ass would not mind a bacon cheeseburger with everything piled on it and a big heaping order of fries.

Today, I will eat a grape for breakfast, a piece of celery for lunch and I will run until I fall down.

Hilary said...

I know, I know. I'm dieting.....again...and I wonder why the hell we do it.

Cupcake Murphy said...

My diet is called perimenopause and it is ever so much fun.

duffylou said...

Oh no. Angry wolverines wearing Target leggings? Again?

Ranchnotes said...

Thank you for sharing, I am sorry for this pain. I too am headed this way and it's astounding how no one has ever uttered a word to me about it, it's all boobs and when are you going to start getting your period and did you lose your virginity and then wham we are losing our minds and our pee smells weird and we have hair growing everywhere. Am I a woman or an ape, oh yeah and I can live on air apparently because I seem to be gaining weight without really trying. Fuck.

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

The only part about menopause I can vouch for is that red wine is soothing. And the dreams? I woke up Monday morning and was all like WTF was THAT about?

The Zadge said...

When my ob/gyn told me that my perimenopause could last 9 years, I had to be resusitated.

Twisted Susan said...

Memo to my menopausal sister,
NO more PERIODS!
NO more BIRTH CONTROL!
Get ahold of yourself.

linlah said...

What Twisted said with a side of extreme confidence.

Cupcake Murphy said...

I know I know I must get a grip. It's just that I have B.O. and I'm not used to that.

Dawn in Austin said...

We are twins, I'm sure of it.