The following is based on actual events.
One day, prior to a big ass travel event with husband and dog, I decided that I was going to ONCE AND FOR GOD DAMN POOPING ALL get to the bottom of my irrational (although I must say I totally disagree---have you seen the chompers on those beasts?) and unrealistic fear of bears. I have purposefully lower cased those Mister Scary Hairy Claw-i-nators in order to lessen my fear---you see how I did that? I happen to know that black bears (or was it brown bears?) cannot attack through computer screens so I know that as I type this I am relatively safe.
ANYHOO---so one day I decided to get all pragmatic and actually do some VERY SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH about bears and how dangerous they are. AND DO NOT GIVE ME THAT CRAP ABOUT MAKE YOURSELF BIG OR WHATEVER.
As I was saying, on this particular Madame Curie type of day I decided I would become Margaret Mead and actually gather facts in order to assuage my terror and so I went to Google and I typed:
overcoming fear of
And you know how Google gets all intuitive and psychic and starts to list all the stuff other people or raccoons have typed before you? Here is the list of Google Human Fears:
NO BEARS. ALL THE PEOPLE AFRAID OF BEARS ARE DEAD.
Regardless, I forged on and typed:
This is what I got:
having painful bowel movements
Although I can TOTALLY RELATE to being afraid of almost each and every thing on this last list (I happen to adore trees) I was further alarmed at the absence of FEAR OF BEARS so I tried ONE MORE Google search:
overcoming fear of bear
and before I could finish with the "s" Google instantly regurgitated FEAR OF BEAR MARKETS.
I am now more alarmed than ever because I think I have discovered a bear conspiracy that involves some kind of bizarre hostage information thing where all the bears in the world are hoarding scary bear facts in order to render all humans brain dead about the fact that BEARS ARE FUCKING SCARY.
I rest my case.