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Monday, February 7, 2011

Monday Judgements and Warnings

The following is based on actual events.

One day, prior to a big ass travel event with husband and dog, I decided that I was going to ONCE AND FOR GOD DAMN POOPING ALL get to the bottom of my irrational (although I must say I totally disagree---have you seen the chompers on those beasts?) and unrealistic fear of bears.  I have purposefully lower cased those Mister Scary Hairy Claw-i-nators in order to lessen my fear---you see how I did that?  I happen to know that black bears (or was it brown bears?) cannot attack through computer screens so I know that as I type this I am relatively safe.

ANYHOO---so one day I decided to get all pragmatic and actually do some VERY SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH about bears and how dangerous they are.  AND DO NOT GIVE ME THAT CRAP ABOUT MAKE YOURSELF BIG OR WHATEVER. 

As I was saying, on this particular Madame Curie type of day I decided I would become Margaret Mead and actually gather facts in order to assuage my terror and so I went to Google and I typed:

overcoming fear of

And you know how Google gets all intuitive and psychic and starts to list all the stuff other people or raccoons have typed before you?  Here is the list of Google Human Fears:

public speaking


Regardless, I forged on and typed:

fear of

This is what I got:

beautiful women
the Pope
having painful bowel movements

Although I can TOTALLY RELATE to being afraid of almost each and every thing on this last list (I happen to adore trees) I was further alarmed at the absence of FEAR OF BEARS so I tried ONE MORE Google search:

overcoming fear of bear

and before I could finish with the "s" Google instantly regurgitated FEAR OF BEAR MARKETS.

I am now more alarmed than ever because I think I have discovered a bear conspiracy that involves some kind of bizarre hostage information thing where all the bears in the world are hoarding scary bear facts in order to render all humans brain dead about the fact that BEARS ARE FUCKING SCARY.

I rest my case. 
Connie Cub


Meg at the Members Lounge said...

Just so you know, I have a morbid fear of moths. And I'm not afraid to say it. OK, now I have to go Google it.

linlah said...

Is Yogi bear on your list too.

Joann Mannix said...

Whenever I come to your state and go hiking in your fabulous Yosemite Park, I am freaked out because you all have GRIZZLY BEARS up there! And those creatures will knock you the fuck out just by looking your way.

I share your fear of bears. I also have a great fear of ferrets.

David said...

You might find it odd, but I actually work for Google trying to type those things in real time and guess what people are thinking. Sorry I missed the bears for you.

PJ said...

I'm with ya on that bear fear thing...or used to be. Well, used to be with North American Black Bears, still am with grizzlies who are welome to their territory while I stay OUT. But seriously, try Wonderful wonderful site about black bears. If you have to or want to be in black bear territory you will be able to learn everything you need to know without the myths and hype and it will hugely calm your fears. I think you'll be glad you did.

Oh ya, thanks for that list of things to be afraid of. I now have several to add to my list. But seriously, otters?

Twisted Susan said...

I get to be afraid of the dark EVERY DAY.

Joan Cairns said...

Oh Cupcake! How come DEATH is not the first on the list of fears? Come on it is the penultimate of fears, It is the " BIG MAMAJAMMA" of fears. What else is awakes you at night with sweat and loose bowels? Death.

Please for the love of god and country, please stop, I mean cease and desist, your, black, brown, polar or grizzly irrational fear of bears. You are more likely to be killed by a Clown than a bear.