Things I Don't Understand, Items 312 thru 314

312. Hair plugs
313. Smart Water
314. That freakish smile all the coiffed conservative gals plaster on their faces whenever they get into a heated debate on morning talk shows

Cooper Being Brad Pitt in Fight Club

"First rule of Fight Club was Don't Talk About Fight Club.  Eleventh rule of Fight Club was Never Lick Your Own Butt Hole During Fight Club," he says, wielding a thirty foot long stick.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I am not a Life Coach or a stylist but I can tell you that, if you're doing your spring cleaning and you're getting all gut wrenchy about throwing out certain outfits, all you need to do is accept that the pant suit you're pining for makes you look like Charles Nelson Reilly from MatchGame and then walk directly to the dumpster so you can get on with things more lovely.

Oh Stop Yer Cryin',
Brigadier Bess Bell Bottom

Saturday SlobberLove

During Holy Week we like to remind each other of the meaning of devotion by reciting a parable or two as well as a teaching on Jesus Would Not Stop Throwing Sharky, Ever wherein we instruct the lost ones about the power of hurling things across rooms over and over until vertigo sets in, Amen you may be seated.

Love Means Doing What Is Demanded Of You,
Carl Conditional

Things I Don't Understand, Items 309 thru 311

309. Why Ina Garten doesn't share T.R. with the rest of us
310. Those punk rock mayonnaise commercials that act like mayonnaise is the Sid Vicious of condiments
311. The pall an unruly rogue eyebrow hair casts across the arc of an otherwise joyful life

Cooper Being Morgan Freeman in Driving Miss Daisy

Here he prepares for a particularly challenging scene involving a cul-de-sac, several U-turns and some sweaty parallel parking with a lot of judgemental hipster production assistants watching.

"People think that movie was all sweetness and profundity," he says, remembering the tearjerker box office hit, "but what they don't realize is that Jessica and I were high out of our minds on coke the ENTIRE time tearin' up the place."

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Just as I know that nothing truly happy ever happens if you hike while wearing rayon and high heels, I can safely say that it is approximately one hundred and fifty million percent apparent that Cameron Diaz is turning into a man.

You Talkin' Tuh Me?
Beauregard "Bicep" Weirdy Face

Things I Don't Understand, Items 306 thru 308

306. Votive candles that smell like men's cologne
307. Ann Rice worshippers
308. How GLEEFUL I feel when I hear the song Jump even though Van Halen revolts me

Cooper Being Leslie Howard in Gone With the Wind

"As Ashley Wilkes, my primary focus was trying to understand why Melanie always looked constipated," he says, as a crazed Vivien Leigh attempts to burrow up his left pant leg.

Things I Like More Than Donald Trump

1.  Having my shoulder dislocated
2.  Watching Tim Burton movies from the front row
3.  Somali Coast kayak trips
4.  Getting my hair cut in the dark
5.  Essence of raccoon soup

Monday Judgements and Warnings

No, that's okay, you go on along to Applebee's without me.  I'll just stay here and gnaw on dryer lint.

Barfy is as barfy does,
Ginny Giant Butt

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes on Saturday we indulge our leisurely dreamy gene and we sit and stare at our beloved lilacs for hours and we pretend that we live in a place that produces them without effort.

CAN YOU IMAGINE WALKING OUT THE DOOR AND SEEING THEM ALL THE TIME AND PICKING THEM?  we wonder, drooling.

And we sniff them and smell them and if we could we'd drown in their aroma---the only aroma that could distract us from paying $19.99 for a bunch of flowers---our FAVORITE ALL TIME FOREVER  FLOWERS THAT ARE AVAILABLE TO PURCHASE FOR APPROXIMATELY 4.5 DAYS EACH YEAR AND THAT LAST, OH, ABOUT 2.8 DAYS AFTER BRINGING THEM HOME.

It is as if they represent so much goodness to us. So much pretty perfectness for our needy nostrils and yet so tragically fleeting.

PACK UP OUR BAGS WE'RE MOVING TO THE EAST COAST!  we say, half joking.

And then we sit and gaze and stare at their beauty some more while reminding ourselves that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Yours In Purple Grandeur,
Larry Lilac

Friday Conclusion

Mister Cupcake and I have many, many, MOST things in common---the least of which is the (almost) exact same hideous and relatively tragic Mother Relationship.  We both suffered our share of Large Meanness and this turned us both into extra nice people who make our way in the world by trying to add the slightest amount of balm to any kind of awful we see.  If one were a psychologist one would say we are People Pleasers.

Except sometimes we have a difficult time doling out The Pleasing to each other.  98.4% of the time we are two peas in a pod.  Working together and problem solving like nobody's business.  Being all considerate and enlightened and Hey You Know I Think I'm a Better Person Because I Am With You and not taking your fucked up freako mood personally and, you know, just---a TEAM---makin' the world a better place. Being the best people we can be apart from each other but together.  Being LOVE in action.

 UNTIL, during the evening hour, when I insist on listening to Jackson Browne.

And then Mister Cupcake reveals his true hatred toward what the real meaning of matrimony is and he decides that he is not sure if he wants to be wed to a woman who crumbles into a pile of sobs upon hearing Fountain Of Sorrow and I finally get in touch with my Big Truth that has been gnawing at me for some time and that is that only a bad person would not appreciate the woeful way the profound lyrics of Late For the Sky are sung.  I've never known another to be such an a-hole, we think.

And come to think of it I miss listening to Jackson Browne ALL THE TIME AND BEING REALLY HAPPY, I think.

And after some negotiation and explaining and reluctant laughter and exasperated accusation and Holier Than Thou posturing and What About Husker Du, huh? and semi-seething broo-haha it is decided that perhaps we will engage in a Friday Night Jackson Browne Concert wherein Mister Cupcake settles in and listens to Cupcake's stories around Jackson Browne and even considers learning a Jackson Browne song so he might serenade her or a crowd with one and we make a plan for Mister Cupcake to plan his Social Distortion Concert NEXT Friday.

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

WITHOUT COMPROMISE AND UNDERSTANDING YOU'RE COMPLETELY FUCKED.

Peace be with you,
Deidre Drive-a-Hard Bargain Doubterstein

Things I Don't Understand, Items 303 thru 305

303. People who are able to save enough money using coupons to buy a yacht
304. Why I never notice cobwebs until it's too late
305. The amount of romance in cat commercials

Cooper Being the Ghost of Abigail Adams

"I've come back from the dead to tell you that you're all horses asses and you should be ashamed of yourselves," he says, giving John Boehner the raspberry.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Recently, I received an urgent email with the words Incontinence Update! in the subject line and then a scary warning about how the mesh patches that are used to fix incontinence are being recalled.  There were many exclamations in this email as though the person or persons who sent it to me were hysterical with concern.  My question to you is do you think it would be wise to respond to these people who sound like they might poop their pants because of the recall and recommend any material OTHER THAN MESH when attempting to deal with incontinence or do you think I should simply allow them to learn from their own mistakes?
---Having Constant Scrunched Up Worry Face in Folsom

Dear Scrunched,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

He learned PowerPoint and he memorized the book Patronizing As a Form Of Torture and he said "You got it!" very frequently to his boss and one time in a meeting he got into a heated debate with someone he believed to be a communist who was arguing against the corporate theory that employees prefer praise over raises and he tried so hard to be taken seriously, but it was all for naught, considering his frequent use of the word tummy.

Some things just leave the wrong impression,
Corky Creepstein

Things I Don't Understand, Items 300 thru 302

300. Stores that have blowout liquidation price slasher sales 24 hours a day 365 days a year
301. Grouper
302. How terrifying Super Glue is