Things I Don't Understand, Items 353 thru 355

353. When Aretha Franklin sings and she does that thing where she makes simple short words sound like they're forty syllables long
354.  People that keep giant tubs of licorice and pretzel mix in their office who tell you the I'm so popular because I keep food in my office joke and then laugh like a hyena every time you make eye contact with them
355. Pine scented deodorant

Cooper Being Michelle Bachmann on the cover of Newsweek

"I'll create more jobs for heterosexual white people even if Elvis is dead!" she shouts to a crowd of John Birch Society members.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I recently saw a headline that said Kim Kardashian Reveals Her One Wedding Day Worry and I simply did not have the time to peruse the rest of this article so I was wondering if you knew---does her one wedding day worry involve Bruce Jenner's lady face or do you think she's more concerned that her big caboose might scare the flower children?
---Curious as a Cougar in Clarksville

Dear Cougar,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Okay so we all know that, 99.9% of the time, when yer gonna get a THUNDERY, STINKY, SCARY visit from the Lord of Diarrhea and Throw-Up that The Lord screams across the rumbling seas and arrives in the dark of night when things are quiet as can be and the whole shire, if not the entire world, is fast asleep like little fairies in their beds made of fairy delicateness.

And then there is lil' ol' sweaty you, hunched over your crapper, panting and wild-eyed.

Will this hideous madness ever end? you think as you try, fruitlessly to keep your stringy hair out of your scrunched up face.

Why does vomiting make me cry like a soap opera actress? you ask yourself, as you feebly arrange the throw rug under your tender knees in preparation for another violent upchuck.

And it goes on and on and on until you believe that it is possible that you may expire.  But you don't.  You actually survive and, after a longish period of relative calm, you turn on the television in the middle of a Friday and are bombarded with revolting commercials of neon orangey-yellow creamy sauces being poured over mountains of gargantuan armadillo broccoli alongside lumber piles of penne smothered in lumpy gloop and as you sprint to the bathroom you vow to yourself that as soon as you are able to walk and breathe again you are going to find the nearest Olive Garden in order to organize a picket line.

If it's beige I'll eat it,
Broth Face

Things I Don't Understand, Items 350 thru 352

350. The Dow
351. Melanie Griffith
352. Why Reggae music reminds me so much of Polka

Cooper Being Kate Winslet in Titanic

"I'd been in the water so long even my lady parts were shriveled," he says, teeth chattering.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Beg pardon but if you're going to shop your wares as a Life Enhancer Coach and you're going to charge people $799.99 a minute to tell them what they already know you could at least throw in a little primer on the actual differences between Aleve, Tylenol and Advil or at least give a little demo on how to choose a cantaloupe because otherwise you just seem like a big ol' bag uh hot air.

I'm watchin' you,
Mayor Midge Malarkey

Sunday Prayer

Dear God,

Just in case I don't get hold of you before I perish, go toward the white light, get herded into a big stadium with other obsessive Gene Kelly fans and then wait for the next stop on my journey can you (if at all possible I know you are Kim Kardashian Busy) make it so I am directed toward the bus that is going to the place that does not show deep and ongoing hostility toward bread because the landscape I am forced to wander across now is a barren, sad and dangerous desert and my heart has grown heavy from longing for a grilled sharp cheddar with caramelized red onion on sourdough thanks and  praise be to all that is holy amen.

Yeast Be With You,
Slicey Slicerson
Slicetown, USA

Friday Conclusion

I've always been REALLY into Lists.  Lists of stuff to buy at the store.  Lists of books I want to read.  Lists of places I want to go. Lists of bras Oprah recommends.  Lists of the things I think Mister Cupcake should change about himself.

But since I got canned from the corporate job I had for 20 years that almost sucked the soul out of me---since the day I left that place and flew like a bird high over the mountain tops tweeting joy to the universe entire --- since I allowed the air to seep into my veins and my heart and my solar plexus and I got a glimpse of who I remember myself to be --- since that time --- I haven't been too much into Lists.  It's as if I were wrongly imprisoned and now that I have been freed there are certain things that remind me of Barfy Identity Murder and one of those things is the mind numbing activity of making a 950,000 page list of "action items" over which I had no control but over which I would be held ultimately responsible.

And so when I live my days now I think I get more done without my previously beloved Lists.  It's like there is a Gertrude Stein inside of me that's awakened and she is large and in charge and she cannot be bothered with lists and all of the restrained upset that they represent.  Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

THERE ARE TIMES IN A WOMAN'S LIFE WHEN SHE MUST DIVE INTO THE DEEP WATERS OF THE OCEAN LIKE A BANDIT AND GO LISTLESS FOR A WHILE JUST TO SEE WHAT KIND OF UNBRIDLED AND TOTALLY FABULOUS THINGS THAT MIGHT HAPPEN

When you picture me, picture me flipping those bastards the bird,
Wanda of the Waking Up

Things I Don't Understand, Items 347 thru 349

347. How, deep inside, I kind of believe that there will come a day when all my laundry will be done, forever
348. When people post photos of themselves looking stupid on Facebook and people say "MY GOD you are so freaking beautiful" in the comments
349. Double sided tape