Monday Judgements and Warnings

Bumper Sticker Analysis:

#1:
Fun-loving, nice person who probably plays a mean game of charades:

DON'T TAILGATE ME
OR I'LL FLICK A BOOGAR ON YOUR WINDSHIELD


#2:
Staunch Pat Robertson devotee who wears pantyhose in the tub:

WHERE WOULD YOU BE
IF YOUR MOM BELIEVED IN ABORTION?


Toodle Loo,
Cowpoke Connie

Friday Conclusion

Over the years I've accumulated special sentences that I find poignant, encouraging, validating and interesting. One of these sentences is from Pema Chodron, the Buddhist nun and it goes like this:

WELCOME THE PRESENT MOMENT AS IF YOU HAD INVITED IT.

When I read this sentence I think of the time in the 1980s when I finally got tickets to see Phantom of the Opera with Michael Crawford and right before the curtain rose a voice came booming over the loud speaker announcing that instead of Michael Crawford performing the role of the Phantom that evening (who the hell else was there?)---Robert Guillaume from the TV show Benson would be performing instead.

Benson would be playing The Phantom. How does one welcome a moment like that?

The gasp that filled the Ahmanson that night still haunts me as well as the sound of my hunched over mother muttering "Benson? We're seeing Benson do Phantom? How is this happening?" every couple of minutes.

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

WHEN BAD SITCOM ACTORS ARE INVOLVED, SPIRITUAL TEACHINGS LOSE THEIR OOMPH

Cheerio,
Biff the Agitated Usher

Things I Don't Understand, Items 79 thru 81

79. Clove cigarettes
80. The NRA
81. Why shoe horns never caught on

Cooper Being Ben Cross in Chariots of Fire

"Do you have any idea how much sand went up my nose filming those running scenes?" he asks, when we wax romantic about that movie and the slow motion and the theme song.

"TO THIS DAY I have terrible sinus problems from a piece of algae that remains lodged in my left nostril," he says.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I'm terrified about what will happen when and if the coverage about Michael Jackson's death ends. What do you think will be on television when this happens? Will elevators and traffic lights still work? Will all of it just stop, without a peep from Marlon or Blanket or the Neverland Ranch plant sculptors? I've tried to get answers to these questions from my friends and family but they tell me I'm crazy and to stop worrying because the coverage about Michael Jackson's death will never end...EVER. Do you think they're right or should I prepare myself for life without Continuous, Breaking, Exclusive, Latest and Never Before Seen Michael Jackson coverage?
---Mixed Up and Drooling In Fort Ord

Dear Drooling,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Things I Like More Than Karl Rove

1. Assembling furniture from IKEA with only my feet
2. Open casket funerals
3. Pollution flavored Snapple
4. Being stuck in an elevator with Siegfried, Roy and their unpredictable tiger
5. Doing the Running Of The Bulls on a Pogo stick

Saturday Survey

IMPERATIVES:

Wheat Thins or Wheatables?

Cheese Nips or Cheez-Its?

Vanity Fair or Newsweek? (oops wrong survey)

Drops or Dots?

Mango or White Nectarine?

Peppermint Patties or Junior Mints?

Baskin Robbins or Cold Stone?

Eudora Welty or Flannery O'Connor? (oops wrong survey)

Pringles or Baked Lays?

Life is a series of choices,
Dierdre Dippman
Semi Best Selling Author, Gone Snackin'! and Give Me Kettle Corn or Give Me Death

Friday Conclusion

Maybe it's because I grew up with a mother who had the manipulative prowess of Scarlett O'Hara on crack but when I hear someone in a meeting say "To be honest" I immediately think: BIG FAT LIAR.

And then that happened,
Cissy the Wall-Eyed Rhino

Things I Don't Understand, Items 76 thru 78

76. Neighborhood houses that REEK of garlic and sides of beef frying no matter what time of day you walk past
77. Why Jelly Belly jelly beans aren't more accurately called Armpit Beans
78. People that go "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" all the time

Cooper Being Bindi Irwin

"I like cherry soda pop, The Jonas Brothers and strangling 90 foot pythons with my pigtails," he says, not minding the Howler monkeys nibbling at his ankles.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

My husband and I consider ourselves to be very compassionate, open-minded members of society and, needless to say, we DO NOT believe in these so called Death Panels all the churlish white people are yelling about at Town Hall meetings. We are members of the local Soup For Sinners Charity and often make hefty contributions to Unicef in order to get those cute little cards that look like someone was drunk when they drew them. We aren't the all time best recyclers and I do use aerosol hairspray but OVERALL we are good, kind people and recently we were brainstorming (the way well-rounded, civilized, bright people tend to do) and we were wondering if you are aware of the existence of a Death Panel Suggestion Box or something along those lines, if you will. Do you think it would be possible for us to submit a coupla three or five or ten names or so?
---Tense As All Get Out In Tulsa

Dear Tense,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Confession

There is a scene at the end of the movie Endless Love where Brooke Shields is walking across a youth detention center parking lot with the wind in her hair looking rather hopeful and you realize---Wow. After all the drama and the awfulness she still loves him. She still is true to him and is willing to endure whatever hardship loving him may cause. I GUESS THEIR LOVE REALLY IS ENDLESS.

That could totally be me in that scene because even though they can give me terrible stomach aches and awful gas, that's exactly how I feel about garbanzo beans.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 73 thru 75

73. Thomas Kincade paintings
74. What happened to Ted Nugent to make him that way
75. Laughter Yoga

Cooper Being Eminem

Since finishing his latest album Color Me Furious he has been impossible to live with---bossing us around and threatening us if we don't act like we're his servants.

"It is not our fault you chose to do Porgy and Bess set to rap," we say, in our defense.

He just brandishes a sharp weapon and accuses us of ruining his puffy jacket by putting it in the dryer.

"DAWGS: I WILL CUT YOU!" he yells.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

My husband recently took a Post-It note, wrote the letter "B" in magic marker on it and then put this over the "H" on a very large Hummer that is parked in his work parking lot so that the word HUMMER became the word BUMMER.

My question to you is do you think that this now qualifies him as a reckless vandal or do you think he should have used several more Post-It notes in order to spell out T-E-E-N-S-Y-W-E-I-N-E-R on the hood of this Hummer?
---Concerned Posse of Two

Dear Posse,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Sometimes when I want to stretch my math muscle I put on this pair of 400 year old Victoria's Secret grey pajama bottom/sweatpants I have with a pinkish Ajax bleach stain on one leg along with a baggy t-shirt that says "ALIVE" on it in red and yellow letters and I put my hair in a ponytail and stuff it under my favorite blue baseball cap making it appear that I am bald and I go to Whole Foods or CVS or Home Depot and I count the number of times I get called Ma'am.

I like that I make it a game. It's fun. And I learn, because I'm counting to at least a thousand hundred million.

Buoy Up,
Tube Sock Tillie

Name = Odd

Craig Beaglehole

It's true. I read it in the Image section of the LA Times.

While Mister Beaglehole spends his time analyzing how or if $3.99 lipstick from Rite-Aid can ruin a gal's image I'm thinking he needs a stylist to tend to that name of his because what we have there is an alarming lack of elegance.

Sincerely,
Leader of the Cowl Neck Sweaters Are Never Okay Movement

Things I Don't Understand, Items 70 thru 72

70. Drum solos
71. Why, when I drop the back of my earring, it ends up 45 feet away under a piece of furniture
72. Kenny G

Cooper Being Abe Vigoda in The Godfather

Here he is seen preparing for his scene with Robert Duvall.

"Oy gevalt, that day," he says, remembering the pain of being a method actor.

"That nincompoop Bobby Duvall was so serious about showing me who was boss he followed me around all morning karate chopping me in the back of the neck. I think that's when I developed my slouch," he laments.

Things Of Which I Am 100% Certain

1. Cow tipping is cruel
2. kd lange likes herself some ladies
3. There is never a moment of the day or night when the parking lot of Trader Joes is not a three ring circus

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I'm starting a new business and the new business will be a consulting firm with the sole purpose of helping other business owners choose a name for their store or shop. Sadly, I am too late in coming to the aid of the following merchants:

SPUDNUT DONUTS

DRESS BARN

THREE DRUNKEN GOATS RESTAURANT

Hold please,
Gordon the Hateful Customer Care Specialist

Cooper Being Faye Dunaway in Bonnie and Clyde

Somewhere between Lone Pine and Lee Vining he became a gun wielding hooligan--- cursing, carousing and drinking more booze than Lee Marvin in Paint Your Wagon, all the while wearing a gorgeous tea length skirt and fishnet hose.

When we expressed concern about his fugitive behavior he only sneered and stuffed another paw-full of chewing tobacco in his jowls.

"You never saw nobody shoot up nothin' before?" he asked.

Then he ordered us to shut our sissy faces, get in the car and drive.