Cooper Being Gary Oldman in Dracula

"I kept telling the make-up person that my hairdo made me look like I had an upside down butt on the top of my head but no one listened to me," he says, before reminding me that working with Tom Cruise was like working with an Amway salesman on crack.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

The other day, as a male colleague was walking AWAY from me, I realized that when men go bald it usually starts on the very top, back part of their head so they could go years without actually seeing that they are slowly losing their hair.

My hair looks great, they say, staring at themselves in the mirror.

Women, on the other hand, are faced with sagging boobs which are on the FRONT of the body so that when they get a permanent case of The Drooping Downwards there is no way to not know that this is happening.

Where'd my boobs go? they say, staring at themselves in the mirror.

I'm not a scientist but this has GOT to mean something.

Keep your eyes peeled and your nose plugged,
Sergeant Serious

Things I Don't Understand, Items 151 thru 153

151. What, exactly, a cottage industry is
152. Monogrammed towels
153. Senior citizens in overalls

Cooper Being Raquel Welch in One Million Years B.C.

"You wouldn't think it but that fur lined bikini chaffed like hell," he says, before engaging in battle with a wayward teradactyl.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I get that blueberries reduce stress, supply your brain with crispier oxygen, produce antioxidants five million times faster than the speediest antioxidant machine and replenish all the cells in your body in the time it takes to understand Ina Garten's chicken parmesan recipe but do they have the power to prevent new neighbors from letting their dogs leave big steamy piles of poop everywhere?
---Flummoxed and Furious in Fontana

Dear Flummoxed,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Recently I saw a headline on MSN.com that said:

WHAT'S REALLY IN A CHICKEN McNUGGET?

And I realized: EXCUSE ME BUT THAT MUST BE WHERE ALL OF MY LOST SUNGLASSES HAVE GONE

Mystery solved.

Toodle-loo,
Secretary Sherlock

Things I Don't Understand, Items 148 thru 150

148. The Popemobile
149. Why seeing your own neighborhood on a commercial is so THRILLING
150. Spats

Cooper Being John Muir

"Give me sniffy time or give me death. What is life's purpose if not to slobber on windows? In times of struggle, head outside and lift your leg on trees. Oh wondrous grass!--you are my love, you are my life! Follow the scent of urine and you will find your bliss," he says, before we ask him to please be quiet.

The Cupcake Lessons

Hi. I'm Aged Balsamic Vinegar and here is my To-Do List:

1. Wake up, ooze velvety goodness
2. Work on latest edits of memoir, "On Being 100% Magical"
3. Gird loins for hysterical stampede from latest first time tasters screaming YOU ARE THE MOST DELICIOUS THING I HAVE EVER TASTED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND I'VE TASTED A LOT OF DELICIOUS THINGS LIKE PIZZA IN NAPLES AND BENIETS IN NEW ORLEANS BUT NOTHING IS MORE DELICIOUSER THAN YOU!
4. Choose outfit for "You're Lucky I Don't Cost 45 Million Dollars" lecture at Whole Foods
5. Practice marriage proposal refusals

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes when I get a Bolshevik email from David Pfloof I mean Fluff I mean Poof I mean Plouffe that ORDERS me to get up off my sorry ass and DO SOMETHING ALREADY I feel equal parts:

Disappointed/ashamed that it is not my name in the SENDER column
ALL. WORKED. UP.
Grateful for that guy out there who is fighting the Good Fight

Please bear with me,
Andy the Angry(est) One

Friday Conclusion

Sometimes, after dinner, my lizard brain says to my lady brain:

YOU SHOULD HAVE SOMETHING SWEET!

To which my lady brain replies:

nnuhhhnnnoooo. I ate well today and I had breakfast even though I hate breakfast and I had a nice healthy lunch and I did the stairs at work and I did Pilates and I had a healthy sushi dinner and I went on a walk and I feel so nice and breezy right now I think if I DID have anything sweet I...

SWEET! SOMETHING SWEET! NOW YOU ARE TALKIN'!!!

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

WHEN IT COMES TO TRADER JOE'S MEYER LEMON COOKIE THINS I AIN'T NUTHIN BUT A JUNKIE LOOKIN' FOR SOME HORSE

Things I Don't Understand, Items 145 thru 147

145. Candy corn
146. Mean nurses
147. Debutante balls

Cooper Being a Helicopter

"YOU MUST KEEP YOUR HANDS, FEET, FANNY PACKS AND NOSES INSIDE THE BIRD AT ALL TIMES," he barks, before ascending four thousand feet into the air above the Grand Canyon, loaded with bloated vacationers.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

You know how you have that person in your head that is like The Wise Elder of your psyche? The Old Crone or the Majestic Captain or the All-Knowing Being that possesses implicit source knowledge and who is able to JUST BE in the world?

SOMEONE WHO IS THE OPPOSITE OF PAULY SHORE

Well if that person could talk that person would tell you to STEER CLEAR OF:

Anyone who likes the movie Observe and Report

People who go, "Broccoli, Uck."

Pierce Brosnan fans

Any person who can't admit that they liked the late 80's song "I'm Only Human"

Suzanne Somers and Alan Hamel

Prejudiced four-year-olds named Beethoven

The list is endless-ish,
Cathy Caution

Saturday SlobberLove

Take a moment.

Light an aromatherapy candle.

Breath deep. Deep into your chest and abdomen and spleen and then down, down, down toward your Ugg boots.

Settle your mind. Your body. Your bowels.

Now. Think about what your life would be like without:

PAPER TOWELS

Then feeeeeeel the gratitude.

Namaste,
Gary the Gregarious

Things I Don't Understand, Items 142 thru 144

142. What it is about Jonathan Rhys Meyers + Airports that equals booze filled brawls and random acts of urination
143. When things are catty-corner
144. Why someone doesn't yell SHUT UP! or do that thing where you karate chop someone in the back of the knees when a filibuster gets going

Cooper Being Genevieve Bujold in Earthquake

"The scariest moment of my career was being stuck at the Craft Services table with Charleton Heston while he discussed his views on the Trickle Down Theory," he says, reflecting on the horror show that Tinseltown can be.