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Monday, April 5, 2010

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I am no longer single but I will NEVER, EVER, Eh!Ver! forget the mind numbing wrestling matches I had in my own pickled brain trying to nurture my Good Person Detector while I was dating.

"Are you a BAD man?" I dreamed of asking the myriad of gentleman callers that traipsed across my doorstep.

"Sometimes I get the vibe of BIG FAT LOSER when I'm around you," I longed to say to a handful of potential mates.

Looking back, I think, why did I not employ the one foolproof litmus test that is certain to out the good guys from the bad guys:

The Confused/Bewildered Old Person Helper Litmus Test:

Take a stroll and watch your Future Possible Mate walk past a confused looking elderly person. The elderly person must look slightly distressed and partially wayward---exuding a feeling of I am lost and I need some help.

If your date passes this person by without the slightest interest you know you need to end the evening activities and run the other way, spending the rest of your glorious evening in your tub.

If your date stops and asks, "Do you need help?" you are well on the way to a life of pretty sturdy coupledom because you will have hooked up with a person who is nice to old people and when it all comes down to it there is NOTHING better than that.

At your service,
Talulah B. Atlas

3 comments:

The Subtle Rudder said...

If I ever meet another tall man who smells good to me, I will run him past a confused elder to get the real skinny on his desirability. Clearly, I can't be trusted to decide something like that on my own.

The Zadge said...

Clearly, there have been a serious dearth of elderly folk around during my dating fiascos.

Dawn in Austin said...

That's a good test. I like it.

I'm guessing my husband passed it because he was nice to my mom when they first met. She's old. Not so much bewildered as can't be bothered. But they hit it off.