Saturday SlobberLove

Is there anything more glorious than waking up at 5:14 AM on Saturday and briefly thinking it is Thursday when you have to wear your logo-ed shirt (that you don't have because you're a subversive communist)and go make small talk with people who miss George W. Bush and think Michelle Obama should just stop gardening and then realizing that all you really need to do on this morning is to figure out how to masterfully shmoosh the pillows your husband left on his side of the bed so perfectly that you might not need to move until the next election?

Is there anything more lovely? I don't think so.

Bonjour,
Snoozy Von Snoozerstein

Friday Conclusion

Over the years, Mister Cupcake and I periodically reminisce about the most awful clunker death trap cars we've had. My favorite is the half crushed hideous orange leaky sun roof NO left window brakes that worked sometimes but mostly not VW bug that I had to drive back and forth in El Nino hurricane rain through the San Fernando Valley and his is the "thing that was like a terrible VW Rabbit but worse" with an exploding stick shift that he fixed using a wire hangar and prayer although he is not religious.

You might refer to these two vehicles as REAL BEAUTS.

I think we do this because we like to laugh our fool heads off and then eventually realize that it is a miracle we are both alive before we go gaze into the headlights of our current cars and just feel so much true love and perfect tire pressure and shiny Armor All cleanliness and chains in their own special container pride.

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

HAVING A PIECE OF SHIT CAR IN EARLY ADULTHOOD TENDS TO MAKE ONE ESPECIALLY APPRECIATIVE LATER IN LIFE.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 100 thru 102

100. Women who apply mascara in the car
101. 39 year old decorative bottles of olive oil filled with sage
102. The way Glenn Close runs

Cooper Being Snoop Dogg

"Yo. Throw my toy or I'll write another song about your big butt," he threatens.

Then he slinks into the bathroom and braids his hair into the shape of a Coupe De Ville.

Things Of Which I Am 100% Certain

1. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west
2. Marv Albert is slowly morphing into a combination of Herman Munster, Sandy Duncan and Adam Sandler
3. There is never a moment of the day or night when there is not some determined employee somewhere trying to rally other fellow employees to stop being selfish slobs and to start washing they're own goddamn coffee cups.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Whenever I get the slightest bit uppity with myself, like I'm all---I'm so great because I made a donation to KUSC the classical music station or I can fold a fitted sheet with my eyes closed, what is every one's problem? or I wonder if there is anyone more proficient at bath water to bubble bath ratio than me---I seriously doubt it or You know I really should have pursued my dream of becoming a ballerina because I am still VERY graceful---when I am tooting my own horn like this, I have to have a little side bar with myself that goes something along these lines:

DON'T FORGET, ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS IS KEEP THE FIRE BY KENNY LOGGINS AND WHENEVER YOU HEAR IT YOU GET ALL CHOKED UP LIKE HOW KATHY LEE GIFFORD GETS WHEN SHE BLATHERS ON ABOUT CODY AND CASSIDY AND THEN THERE IS THAT SMALL ISSUE OF EARTH, WIND AND FIRE'S REASONS BUT I THINK YOU'VE REALIZED YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS AT THIS POINT, HAVEN'T YOU?

Later gator,
Denny from Shop Class

Sunday Share

The thing about grief:

On a day that is such a wonderful day---when the afternoon air is crisp, like how I imagine Happy to be and things go swimmingly in such a way that I wonder what on earth I did to have such a lovely life---it is on a day such as this that my heart is heaviest and feels abundant grief-cloaked thoughts that fall under the IF ONLY category of wishful thinking.

If only my dad could have seen our view from the porch.

If only my dad could have tasted this coffee from this cup from this place just blocks down from our front door, so near to the ocean.

If only my dad were here to give me the real lowdown on which pitch was proper in the Sixth game of the furious series that that survivor Scioscia was in charge of.

If only I could join that strong optimistic group of grown up people who know and embrace and realize that there are no If Only's when it comes to death---especially the death of an old, ailing man.

If only the time passing made it sweeter and lighter and not just one more great day that he wasn't here.

Gloomily Yours,
Berefty Berefterson
Bereft Town, USA

Saturday SlobberLove

I love Tone soap SO MUCH, it's unnatural.

Dear Tone soap,

I love you with all my heart and soul.

Forever,
Cupcake

Friday Conclusion

Recently, I was feverishly looking online for a dining room table for our new residence, kind of like how Tony Robbins looks for stadiums to hold his seminars---this is how determined and pumped up I was. I Want a New! Table To Go With Our New! Place In Our New! Neighborhood---this was the fantastic fuel LURCHING my engine forward and making me all happy inside. And as I scrolled and clicked and drooled and became more aware of how awful my posture is at the computer I realized: Our new table will be ROUND and this ROUND table will be a celebration of the fact that we no longer live on an alley and this ROUND FREEDOM FROM ALLEY CELEBRATION TABLE was for sale at Anthropologie and we must purchase it even if it means we will be homeless in our retirement.

What a very glorious and ingenious and life-affirming plan I have manifested. I must share this plan with Mister Cupcake immediately, I thought.

But Mister Cupcake was not on board with the FREEDOM ROUND TABLE plan at all. Not only was Mister Cupcake unimpressed with the gorgeous word work on the base of the table, Mister Cupcake seemed to be psychotically focused on only the COST of the ALLEY BE GONE FREEDOM TABLE and then proclaimed the following:

"People buying tables at Anthropologie is not us."

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

MISTER CUPCAKE NEEDS TO RE-EXAMINE THE KIND OF PEOPLE WE ARE AND THEN HE NEEDS TO ATTEND A WORKSHOP ON GRAMMAR AT THE LEARNING ANNEX

Yours In Tragic Regret,
Sebastian Hollingsworth III, the Intricately Carved Round Pedestal Table

Things I Don't Understand, Items 97 thru 99

97. Athletes who wear extremely bulky jewelry
98. When people talk baby talk to old people
99. How anyone, in good conscience, can call Country Bear Jamboree at Disneyland a Family Attraction when we all know it is a Horror-Filled Nightmare Ride Into the Bowels of Hell