Cooper Being Linda Blair in The Exorcist

Shortly before being possessed by the devil he suffers his greatest torment when Ellen Burstyn tells him that, later in life, he will marry Rick James.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Last week, for approximately four hours, the world was under the impression that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith were getting a divorce.  They were, as my sister and niece and I were saying as we celebrated with an impromptu Starbucks Iced Coffee Party:  SPLITSVILLE!---but just as we were about to order a couple of celebratory orange and cranberry scones along with two or five madeleines coupled with half a dozen or so chocolate covered graham crackers we heard that it was all a big fat lie and were devastated to learn that Will and Jada and their revolting oversmiling starlet children were indeed TOGETHER STILL, TAKING OVER THE WORLD with their creepy expansive grins.  Now, what I want to know is do you think there is still a chance that there was a small grain of truth to the split story or do you think that the Pinkett-Smiths will remain alive as a unit forever making awful music and movies and television shows until the rest of us are all dead?
---Debilitated From Disappointment In Delaware

Dear Disappointment,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

You may or may not agree with what I'm about to say.  I am aware that we all need to save face and we need to appear to be loving, kind people who do not stoop to sub-human levels.  We do not judge.  We do not hate.  We do not sometimes go "WATCH OUT!"  when we see Gayle King's butt.

And we do not make snap judgements about our neighbors, right?

Let the chips fall where they may because I am here to tell you that, regardless of your warm demeanor and your nice, friendly smile and never mind how you seem to be sweetly concerned with our other weird neighbor's cat.  When I pass you on the street and I engage in lovely conversation with you about how we both do not think it proper to have a president or presidential candidate who wears cowboy boots---regardless of all this---the ONLY THING I can think of when I see your bright and shiny face is that one time when I overheard you talking to your husband about how much you loved the haircut on the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls.

Back to the drawing board,
Clara of the Closed Minded

Things I Don't Understand, Items 356 thru 358

356. Corn rows on white people
357. Pink Floyd
358. Ball peen hammers

Cooper Being Marilyn Monroe

It was this sultry photo, The Belly That Launched a Thousand Ships, that captivated a nation and launched a sex pot's career---the likes of which the world had never seen.

Things I Like More Than Rick Perry

1. Clorox smoothies
2. Stepping in fresh dog poop shortly before a job interview
3. Being harpooned by a ship of angry fishermen
4. Tarantulas up my nose
5. Co-parenting with Andy Dick

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I am fully aware that I may have trust issues but I would wager a guess that I am not the only person in the galaxy that is worried beyond all get out that Rihanna and her giant vagina is going to seek my innocent family out and devour us as we lay in our bed trying to figure out if we love or hate the new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Thank you but no,
Sir and Madam Scaredy

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes on Saturday, we wonder how we got to where we are and we think to ourselves It must be some kind of odd dream that we've found ourselves in a state of matrimony. 

Living and sharing and dividing and compromising and seething and sighing and smiling and loathing and waiting and hoping and pleasing and frowning and planning and hating and loving and relenting.

And we know that there will be days like today when we have little voices inside our bellies that whisper about how organized our bathroom drawers used to be and how if we wanted to watch reruns of  Dr. Phil for an entire afternoon that there would not be anyone to answer to and we think about Betty Friedan and we wonder if it has all been in vain.

And then we see that photograph of you.  The one that makes our heart rumble in our chest.  It is that photograph that isn't particularly special in any way---the way it looks---the lighting, the setting.  If a stranger saw it they would not be struck by any meaning or beauty or profundity. Except there is something about this particular photo that captures the essence of you and how you are.  The way you are standing there---eager, happy and stock still---looking directly in the camera, holding The Boy's leash.  The way you are looking at me, waiting for me to figure out how to work the camera.  The way you would have stood there forever waiting for me---being patient and strong.

And it is this --- this seeing of the photo and the remembering --- the day, the weather, the adventure we'd been on--- that erases all the piddly lip curliness and the air gets lighter and we take in a deep breath and we gather our senses about us and we say to ourselves We wouldn't trade this life for the world and we trot ourselves downstairs just in time to get dinner started before the sun starts to go down.

Yours In Snarly Eyed Wonder,
Wanda Wiferstein

Things I Don't Understand, Items 353 thru 355

353. When Aretha Franklin sings and she does that thing where she makes simple short words sound like they're forty syllables long
354.  People that keep giant tubs of licorice and pretzel mix in their office who tell you the I'm so popular because I keep food in my office joke and then laugh like a hyena every time you make eye contact with them
355. Pine scented deodorant

Cooper Being Michelle Bachmann on the cover of Newsweek

"I'll create more jobs for heterosexual white people even if Elvis is dead!" she shouts to a crowd of John Birch Society members.