Things Of Which I Am One Hundred Percent Certain

1. The universe is vast
2. Clogs don't work on men
3. There is never a moment of the day or night when Click and Clack from Car Talk are not laughing so hard they have beverages spraying out their noses

Things I Don't Understand, Items 49 thru 51

49. The difference between SPF 50 and SPF 70
50. When newscasters banter
51. How someone thought: Let's make a muffin with pieces of shredded zucchini in it!

Cooper's Easy Listening Album Cover

He did not reveal this part of his life to us until just recently and only when we happened upon this album cover hidden under the bed.

"Those were romantic times," he said.

Then he did a smoky rendition of Lionel Richie's Lady and regaled us with stories about the size of The Commodores' bell bottoms.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I'm hoping you can put my mind at ease. Today, I saw a billboard of Kanye West and his cheeks are SO ENORMOUSLY BULBOUS that I realized he might be hiding Jose Eber in them. Do you think this is possible and if so should someone call the cops?
---Plotzing In Petaluma

Dear Plotzing,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

If you see this couple, try to avoid them. They are a real downer. I happened to be standing next to them at Home Depot where we (them and me) were both looking for pruners. Except they were looking for a ROSE pruner. There's a big difference.

"Those aren't for roses," he said, severely.

"Ok, ok. Um...let's see. What about these?" she suggested.

"NO. They don't say Rose anywhere."

"Ok. Um. I can't reach. Can you help me reach? Uh...here. Here, these say rose. Does that say rose? Yeah, yeah, there it is right there: R.O.S.E."

"I don't think so. What about the ones to the right," he said, pointing to the little bin 67 feet above them.

Just then one of the plastic encased 2 ounce pruners fell and hit him on the head.

"OW! OH MY GOD! OW! OH MY GOD."

"Sorry. I'm sorry."

"OW! OOOWWWWW. JEZUS! Am I bleeding? I think I'm bleeding."

"Um, no, no, you're not bleeding. I don't see any blood."

Silence. Staring. I felt trapped yet riveted.

"That REALLY hurt. MAN!--that hurt."

For a moment, I contemplated offering to call an ambulance. For her.

After several seconds of seething hatred from him (Head Wound) toward her (Vicious Killer) they eventually charged off toward Rugs.

God help her if she doesn't know the difference between jute and sisal, I thought.

Friday Conclusion

The song Feelin' Groovy by Simon and Garfunkle is exactly one third JAUNTY, one third MILD MENTAL ILLNESS RAMBLINGS and one third PURE ZIP.

For example, verse two:

Hello lamppost, What cha knowing?
I've come to watch your flowers growing.
Ain't cha got no rhymes for me?
Doot-in' doo-doo, Feelin' groovy.

Setting aside the fact that I get along more with picket fences and garage doors, I find this ditty to be totally refreshing and the perfect tune for a possible Theme Song. Or at least the perfect way to start the weekend.

Sincerely,
Donald the Paranoid Camel

Things I Don't Understand, Items 46 thru 48

46. Beer bongs
47. Toe socks
48. Andy Rooney's eyebrows (obviously)

Cooper Being Resistant To Accepting the End Of the Evening Walk

"I need to do more research for my book, The Endless Sniff," he pleads.

Cupcake Confession

To combat my shampoo/conditioner/face scrub/bubble bath addiction I threw out my gigantic bookcase of a shower caddy and purchased a much smaller yet attractive caddy, therefore restricting my Full Volume junkie habit.

I also DID NOT EVEN OPEN the sparkling blue Bliss catalog when I saw it in the mailbox. I just grabbed it and ran straight to the dumpster without reading further about the rosemary mint shampoo that was advertised as "Ensuring Enlightenment AS WELL AS Bouncy-Healthy-Shiny Hair."

My name is Cupcake and I am a Hair and Face Product Addict.

Hello Cupcake. Welcome.

Name = Odd

Walter Bumpass

It's true. I read it in the LA Times. Puts A Boy Named Sue into perspective.

Friday Conclusion

#1 item that should be prohibited from entering Friday Evening Wind Down Favorite Happy Time:

ANY SHEENA EASTON SONG

Sorry. She just doesn't belong.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 43 thru 45

43. Men with calves the size of barns
44. Why Eeyore isn't on medication
45. Carol Channing

Cooper Being Robert DeNiro in Ronin

"Give me more cheese or I will reveal your secret identities," he threatens.

When we tell him we do not have secret identities and his espionage act is not an effective bargaining tool for more treats he stares as us without flinching.

"Oh great. Now I have to kill you," he says.

The Cupcake Lessons

Current areas of research/study:

1. Because men don't use the word "tote"---does this preclude them from the Green Movement?
2. Can lactose intolerant people park in handicapped parking spots?
3. If Franklin Roosevelt had seen Ryan Seacrest or Paula Abdul do you think he would have reworded his proclamation "We have nothing to fear but fear itself"?

I'll send word,
Cal the Asthmatic Rottweiler

Friday Conclusion

Houston Rockets coach Rick Adelman is part Schnauzer.

It's true. The last time Ron Artest looked like he might knife someone, the camera cut to Adelman and I realized:

THERE'S A GERMAN HERDING DOG COACHING THE ROCKETS.

You can thank me later,
Sue the Overly Observant Pelican

Things I Don't Understand, Items 40 thru 42

40. Why newscasters are obsessed with the phrase "makeshift memorial"
41. Jack-knifed big rigs
42. Sumo wrestler hair-dos

Cooper's Expression When I Told Him About The Road Rage Prius Driver

"A Prius? You're POSITIVE it was a Prius?" he asked.

When I assured him that, yes, indeed it was a Prius he shook his head in disbelief.

"Here I had deluded myself that Prius drivers were gentle and kind and socially conscious---like the Indigo Girls," he lamented.

Then he startled himself with his own fart.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Should I be more afraid of swine flu, the down turned economy or Kathie Lee Gifford?
---Apoplectic in Pacoima

Dear Apoplectic,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

The Cupcake Lessons

Different Ways Of Being

1. How To Be a Rabble Rouser:

If you see a yacht sized Hummer almost bash into the back of an old lady in an '86 Mazda, speed up as fast as you can and give the Hummer driver your ALL TIME dirtiest look so that afterward, whenever the Hummer driver sees a Mazda, any old person or someone that is making a sneering face so unattractive and scary they look like Marv Albert, he weeps like a baby.

2. How To Be a Renegade:

Turn your Sonicare toothbrush off before it goes off automatically.

3. How To Think Outside The Box:

In a meeting, completely out of the blue, go "What box?" REALLY LOUDLY and see how people react.

4. How To Be a Risk-Taker

Take risks and keep a list of these risks and then take the List Of Risks Taken (or you can name it Risk List, it's up to you, maybe THAT is your first risk, to actually decide on the name of your risk list) --- so, take the list with you into your day and when you feel your inner nervous nelly starting to rear her ugly worried head take out the list to remind yourself that you are indeed a Risk Taker. Try not to confuse this list with your Action Item list (totally different).

5. How To Be a Rough Rider

Say "howdy parDner" (not parTner) often and wear chaps. If anyone questions you about this, take out your Risks Taken List and waive it around for a while. Then spit.

Go forth and plunder,
Professor Puddle

Sunday Share

Have you ever been in a heated debate or perhaps found yourself locking horns with your spouse and, in an attempt to push your point forward, you blurt out some gibber jabber hooha and as you are actually saying it you're thinking "I do not know what I am saying" and at that moment you feel yourself slipping away from the conversation like so much confused yet opinionated jello?

Until today, I used to think that I had one of the worst cases of this off-putting character defect. Then I heard this statement on NPR:

"I think the Vice President misrepresented what the Vice President meant to say. What the Vice President meant to say is what others have been saying recently."

It's true. The guy that answers to the guy who is in charge of explaining away Joe Biden's F-bomb equivalents said it and I was so taken by the airy, circular quality of it I pulled over in my car and wrote it down. Because it was so pretty.

As you were,
General Blather

Friday Conclusion

There is no denying that Mister Cupcake and I lead a very cultured existence. It is just a fact that we are, at our core, incredibly highbrow. We're very People-Who-Wear-Billowy-Scarves-And-Have-Compost-Heaps-And-Live-In-The-Hamptons-And-Build-Our-Own-Barn-And-Then-Throw-Vegan-Parties-In-Said-Barn-But-Also-Have-Gorgeous-Condos-In-The-City-With-Big-Bowls-Of-Fresh-Fruit-And-Always-Fresh-Flowers types and as we were laying in bed watching T.V. last night trying to find a movie to watch on our beloved HBO On Demand we decided to watch The River Wild with Meryl Streep, Kevin Bacon and David Strathairn.

Initially Mister Cupcake was lobbying for the cinematic masterpiece 40 Year Old Virgin but when I reminded him that, between the two of us, we've seen this movie 89 times he gave up and briefly attempted persuasion involving The Legend Of Bagger Vance that went nowhere until we ultimately agreed upon The River Wild. Although I must admit that, well into the raft movie, I was still mumbling about any unwatched Survivor Man episodes that might be there for the taking so I can't truly say that we agreed on the river movie but that's neither here nor there. Regardless, you can tell from all of this that we are Pure Culture.

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

The alternate title for the movie The River Wild is:

People In A Raft Who Wear UNBELIEVABLY High Waisted Pants

Sincerely,
Bob the Bloated Usher