Friday Conclusion

Forcing myself to choose the clothing, shoes, hats, magazines, underwear, socks, pens, shampoo, snacks, bras, sweaters, books and tweezers I will take on an eight-day road trip makes me feel:

NAUSEATED
WISTFUL FOR ALL THE SCARVES I WON'T WEAR THAT I AM LEAVING BEHIND
LIKE AN AMALGAM OF FRANCES FARMER AND IMELDA MARCOS

Keep On Truckin,
President of Toiletry

Things I Don't Understand, Items 67 thru 69

67. Fur covered steering wheels
68. The size of Marcia Cross's forehead
69. How previous generations managed to survive the predatory menace that is gluten

Cooper Being On Match.com

He's been on 37 dates in the last week although has had no luck in meeting Mrs. Right.

"My last date was with a bow legged Besenji who couldn't stop rolling around on top of every dead snail she saw," he says, "Let's just say I haven't had any love connections."

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,
Sometimes when my husband and I go camping I worry that bears will eat us. I know this is silly but I was thinking that a good way to ensure our safety would be to take along Senator Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, III because he scares the crap out of me and I'm thinking he'll have the same effect on the bears. (See attached photo; he's fucking scary.)

Do you think this is a smart idea and, if so, do you think we should hide Senator Sessions in our tent as a decoy OR should we be proactive and tell him the bears have been overheard referring to themselves as Wise Latinas and then just cut the mad man loose?
---All Clogged Up With Concern In Lompoc

Dear Clogged,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

If you're unfortunate enough to catch a glimpse of Stretch Face Liza Minnelli on T.V. before you drift off to sleep, make sure you do not,
I REPEAT---DO NOT, dwell on the fact that she looks to have had so many face lifts that her chin is actually her elbow. DO NOT DO THIS.

It is none of your concern which facial features are which on her MORPHINE DERIVATIVE GREAT GAMS BOOZER CHESHIRE GRIN face, so just stop thinking about it and focus on Carrot Top instead if you have to.

We must ALL stick together in this,
Sergeant Claude H. Hopper

Sunday Discovery

Little did I know that today would be the day that my heart would open larger and I would develop more compassion for my fellow man.

It's true.

I used to think that anyone who chose to drink Diet Coke was mentally ill.

I used to look at them, guzzling their Andy Gump flavored beverage and secretly question their judgement.

But today I had an INEXPLICABLE craving for it. I don't know why or how or what the hell happened. All I know is I had to have it, went to Smart and Final and bought it, brought it home and drank it and discovered what all the bloated fuss is about:

DIET COKE LEAVES A SOAPY/BATTERY TASTE IN YOUR MOUTH WHILE AT THE SAME TIME SENDING A MESSAGE TO YOUR BRAIN THAT THE ONLY THING THAT WILL GET RID OF THE SOAPY/BATTERY TASTE IS MORE DIET COKE

THAT is why there are so many 10 AM Diet Coke Drinking Junkies so now instead of thinking--- I bet they don't realize that soda has more salt than a roast pork ---I will look at them with great compassion and maybe offer them a piece of delicious Wintermint Orbit gum.

Sincerely,
Parchy Parcherson
Parchtown USA

Friday Conclusion

Today I received an email that was the equivalent of having a squad of cheerleaders barge into my office and make a doodie on my desk.

Here is a sampling of tidbits from this email, which I now think of as my arch enemy:
TEAM!
:)
FYI
AWESOME!
;)
When a person hears their own name IT IS LIKE MUSIC TO THEM!!
You guys ROCK!
!!!

Which brings me to Friday's Conclusion:

EVEN THOUGH EXCLAMATION POINTS TRY TO BE CHEERY---GENERALLY, THEY WHORE THINGS UP

Love Me, Love My Pom-Poms,
Barbie Farkleman

Things I Don't Understand, Items 64 thru 66

64. The romantic allure of Snoop Dogg
65. Why men are lacking the gene that enables a human being to properly close Tupperware containers and Zip-Lock bags
66. Porridge

Cooper Being Matt Damon in The Bourne Identity

In this shot, he contemplates a life on the run and how he will survive with just one medium sized satchel.

Things I Like More Than Sarah Palin

1. Bunions that require surgery
2. Termites in my ears
3. Fluorescent lighting
4. The painful bloated feeling I get after eating too many grapes
5. Hand-Me-Downs from Fidel Castro

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Example of a Zen Koan that you'd read in a book that has lots of pictures of bamboo and wise fish in it:

WHAT IS THE SOUND OF ONE HAND CLAPPING?

Example of a Zen Koan you'd read in a book that has pictures of sad, sweaty people pulling out their own hair:

CLAW THE FIRST CLOROX WIPE FROM THE CONTAINER.

Yours In Lemony Scentedness,
The Destroyer

Friday Conclusion

IT IS BETTER TO BE LESS LIKE CONCRETE AND MORE LIKE JELLO

Pensively Yours,
Dot the Doubting Dynamo

Friday Conclusion

When we lived in Venice, there was a neighborhood guy who had two dogs that riled Cooper to the point of mind boggling hysteria. These were the only dogs Cooper acted like this with and Mister Cupcake and I would bow our heads in shame as we BEGGED Cooper to get a hold of himself and stop making fools of all of us.

The irony is that this man acted as a kind of mentor when we first got Cooper. Before Cooper started expressing himself the way dogs do. He'd glide by our house and ask how Cooper The Pup was doing and often give us advice about crating and feeding and walking and pooping and peeing. Like the Dog Whisperer except with a very thick industry vibe. And all the while, Cooper was not tall enough to see over the ledge on the porch, in order to catch a glimpse of the two dogs this man owns who look like miniature versions of Jabba the Hut. So when Cooper grew taller and was able to look these little fat men in the eyes the first thing he shrieked was WHO ARE THOSE BULBOUS CREATURES WHO HAVE FACES LIKE PETER LORRE?! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE THEM GO AWAY!

Which put the whole group of them off---this man and his dogs.

It got to the point where everywhere we went we'd end up running into them and the man would look at us with that look that people give parents who have children that are melting down and sometimes he'd even yell at Cooper like he was The Elephant Man. We'd see him coming for MILES away. Here they come, we'd say, Quick let's duck into this shoe repair shop. Oh we loathed him.

So, when we moved to Santa Monica one of the things we missed least (aside from the crack dealers and the occasional vomiting pedestrian) was The Taunting Industry Guy and His Two Thug Dogs that turned Cooper into a nut job. At last we were free. Until we met The Unassuming Nice Neighbor Guy and His Two Boxers that drive Cooper completely MAD. Like Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest when she discovers the wire hangers---just totally undone. The boxers are coming, we'll say, hurry! cross the street!

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

WHEREVER YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE.

Yours in liverlicious treats,
The Lady With the Leash

Things I Don't Understand, Items 64 thru 66

64. Toddler beauty pageants
65. Pancakes that are the consistency of a down comforter
66. How word has not gotten to Lou Dobbs that he's The Pillsbury Doughboy

Cooper Being Mahatma Ghandi

Here he is seen shortly after he finished a 500 mile walking meditation where he went three months without food, water or his beloved stuffed snakey toy.

"Everyone thought I was doing it to make some huge peace statement," he says, eyeing the baloney sandwich I'm eating.

"I didn't have the nerve to tell them I was only trying to break in my sandals."

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I think I've really blown it this time and I hope you can help.

Recently I stopped at a very fancy coffee place in Brentwood and as I was standing in line I noticed a sign that said:

WE WILL GLADLY TAKE YOUR ORDER AFTER YOU HAVE FINISHED YOUR PHONE CALL

I thought this was so darn clever that I grabbed the little notebook I keep in my purse and I jotted it down. Turns out this was a mistake because apparently the whole WE WILL GLADLY TAKE YOUR ORDER thing encompasses other activities like:

WE WILL GLADLY TAKE YOUR ORDER WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED SCRIBBLING IN YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE NOTEBOOK YOU IGNORANT SPY

Who knew, right? Not me. Initially I thought I HATE THESE JACKASSES and made a master plan to never return but then I remembered they have my favorite non-brick-light-as-feather scones that I cannot live without. Do you think if I write a formal letter of apology and promise to pay perfect attention when I am waiting in line that they will forgive me?
---I'm Not Rude In LA

Dear Rude,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Things I'd Rather Have Tickets To More Than Michael Jackson's Memorial

1. Pflugerville Liverwurst Is Magic Festival
2. Geriatric Iditarod 2010
3. Captain and Tennille-A-Palooza
4. X-Treme Nude Lawnmowing Competition

Saturday Shocker

Today, driving on the 405 freeway, I saw THE BRAVEST PERSON IN THE WORLD.

It's true.

He was a person so clear within himself that, regardless of the COMPLETE AND UTTER MAYHEM, RAGE AND F-BOMBS HURLING HIS WAY, he kept his cool. He did not waver. He did not wince. He just kept moving forward.

Much like our Founding Fathers except without those white wigs that you could almost hear begging for conditioner.

This person, actually it was TWO people but I was more focused on THE DRIVER. He was a man who looked a little like Tim Conway---unassuming and presumably nice---and she was his stalwart cohort, sitting next to him all calm and determined. They were driving a thimble-sized relatively old Mazda or Toyota and they were on the portion of the 405 freeway where approximately nine thousand freeways converge. This is the part of the 405 that is written about in the news and in hell. I'm sure I've seen Green Berets training there and if they ever remake the chariot race in Ben Hur, this is the spot they'll use. It is F-ed up, this spot. And if you combine this spot with July 4th and the fact that it is the direct route to the beach, well, you've got trouble.

Back to THE BRAVEST PERSON IN THE WORLD. There he was---surrounded by every blood thirsty asshole driver you could imagine bearing down on him, honking and flipping him off, with the following sign in HUGE BRIGHT SCARLET RED letters in his back windshield:

DRIVING SLOWER TO SAVE GAS

Believe me when I tell you that I have seen the ghost of Hester Prynne and she is a brave nebbish maneuvering the concrete jungle that is Los Angeles.

Stand Proud,
Trini the Oil Guzzling Pacer

Friday Conclusion

When push comes to shove I think I can confidently say that I am a well-rounded person. I know this, not because I use the term when push comes to shove, but because of the following:

I am exactly the same amount of Total Happy about the fact that I have time this weekend to read all of Sharon Old's One Secret Thing
AND
That Blockbuster FINALLY had an available copy of
Paul Blart * Mall Cop

So I got that goin' for me,
Duchess of Fiber

Things I Don't Understand, Items 61 thru 63

61. Monster trucks
62. When people take really loud bowel movements in public restrooms without a care in the world
63. This elevator warning sign:
IF THE ELEVATOR BECOMES STUCK DO NOT BECOME ALARMED
PRESS THE BUTTON MARKED "ALARM"

Cooper Being Robert Blake

This photo, taken at the height of his Baretta fame, was on the cover of TV Guide.

"When I think of all the putz-for-brains critics that said Mannix was more of a bad ass than me I still wanna break someone's thumbs," he says.