Things I Don't Understand, Items 205 thru 207

205. People who reenact the Civil War every other month
206. Susan Boyle
207. Bubble gum ice cream

Cooper Being Fearful of Tony Robbins

"Is the giant mouthed man with the large trousers and dynamic life force suggestions going to come and kill me?" he asks, paralyzed with terror.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

It's okay if you want to be the Galactic Leader of the PEOPLE WHO THINK SOY MILK WILL SOLVE ALL THE ILLS IN THE KNOWN AND UNKNOWN UNIVERSE but could you be so kind as to finish your dissertation over there in the cubicle where the broken chairs are?

Ever sort of fondly,
Diana Dairy

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes, just for the fun of it, we make ourselves remember when we had to haul everything to the shit hole laundromat and we feel despair and then we gaze upon our gorgeous Mrs. Washer and Mr. Dryer and we joke about doing an entire load DEDICATED TO ONLY UNDERWEAR and we sip champagne and talk about how handsome the font is on the Cold/Cold, Cold/Warm, Warm/Hot, Cold/Hot, Hot/Hot combinations and then we take off our shoes, rip off our clothes and run through the streets screaming:

WE PROMISE WE WILL NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING AGAIN

Things I Don't Understand, Items 202 thru 204

202. Corporate greed
203. Strobe lighting
204. When people answer the phone HI-THIS-IS-SUZIE-I-CAN-HELP.

Cooper Being Audrey Hepburn in Wait Until Dark

"Alan Arkin used to tell me that my pixie haircut was the only thing that classified that film as a horror flick," he says, before adding his opinion of Arkin as "a bitter old Jew."

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I have a Glamour Do/Don't question for you. What explains the phenomenon of men who wear braided pigtails? Are they somehow unable to see themselves in the mirror or have they just been watching too many reruns of Little House On the Prairie? Any insight you provide would be mighty helpful.
Dumbfounded In Duluth

Dear Dumbfounded,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I'm not a religious person but JUST SAY I'M TOTALLY WRONG and when I die I'm going to be loaded onto a bus with the destination: Heaven---Possibles and then be corralled into a pen with other well-meaning worriers where I will wait until my name is called at which time I will be paraded in front of the Big Boss and asked a series of questions about HOW I managed to talk my best friend into forging my father's signature in order to ditch 80% of 7th grade and WHY I chose to NOT pay so many parking tickets and WHAT I was thinking when I lied to my neighbor about my elderly dog peeing on her front lawn and WHEN was I going to admit that I adored Kenny Loggins to my closest confidants and, frankly, I will not know what to say other than I did the best I could, I avoided playing Farmville on Facebook and AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY I assisted a wayward senior citizen.

My fear is that all of this will be overlooked HOWEVER the focus will be on the fact that I betrayed my code of ethics by day after day after day using those hideous emoticon smiley faces against my better judgement and BECAUSE OF THIS, I anticipate, I will never be forgiven.

Let the chips fall where they may,
Penelope Purgatory

Saturday SlobblerLove

I bought some gladiolas yesterday that look so much like Liza Minnelli in their vase it makes me want to wear false eyelashes and buy a bunch of clothing that drapes FROM my body as opposed to clings TO it.

"Look! They're gonna sing The Man That Got Away next," I scream to Mister Cupcake, all caught up in the Razz-Ma-Tazz.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 199 thru 201

199. When you cannot, for the life of you, find the start of the toilet paper roll
200. Why old people read personalized license plates, street signs and business marquees out loud as if they've never seen letters joined together to make words
201. Baseball caps worn too snug

Cooper Being Josh Brolin in No Country For Old Men

"I got into uh boat load uh trouble on the set because I constantly mistook Javier Bardim for Nancy Kulp from The Beverly Hillbillies when I saw him from the back," he says, looking sheepish.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

My husband and I were recently involved in a small neighborhood skirmish that involved a disagreement over Ken Burns's ancestry. Some of us argued that he is the great-great-great grandson of the cherry cheeked gnome in that odd 70's All-Wood-Cast Christmas classic Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer and others never wavered from their belief that Ken is a direct descendant of the miniature faced Thomas the Tank Engine villagers while a renegade few disparaged the views of the rest of us and just kept yelling HE'S A WHO FROM WHOVILLE, YOU'RE A COMPLETE MORON IF YOU DON'T SEE THAT. Can you weigh in here and tell us who is right?
---Ready To Rumble In Rialto

Dear Rumble,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

...and the Buddha, after sitting cross-legged under the Bodhi Tree for a FREAKING LONG TIME, opened his eyes and looked out upon the vast universe and realized that BECAUSE HE HAD THE COURAGE TO SIT WITH All OF IT--ALL OF WHAT HUMANS ENDURE AND EXPERIENCE---he had created PRACTICALLY enough room in his heart to hold the world entire---the sun and the moon and the sky and the stars and the grief and the joy and the confusion and the passion and the doubt and the way your seat belt sometimes gets caught when you try to lean forward and the trees and the children and the elderly and every emotion that humans, as a species, encounter and then he stood up, complained about his knees only briefly and AT LAST spoke to his devotees:

I GIVE UP. I CAN'T DO IT. I FORGOT ABOUT LEA THOMPSON.

Reporting from Lotusville,
Ernie Enlightened

Things I Don't Understand, Items 196 thru 198

196. How flat Susan Sarandon's butt is
197. Compulsive honkers
198. Why California Rolls are so frowned upon in the sushi community

Cooper Being Meg Tilly in Agnes of God

"Remember when I did the splits in The Big Chill?-----Me too," he says, as he shoots Jane Fonda an icy stare.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

There have been moments in my life when I have entertained the idea of becoming a professional chef, HOWEVER, I have a relatively small forehead and I do not think I could endure The Awful Effed Up Freak Hat that chefs are forced to wear so I was wondering if you know---do ALL chefs have to wear the white trashcan hat or are there alternatives such as an elegant scarf or an understated visor?
---All Twisted Up Like a Pretzel in Pahrump

Dear Twisted,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I was recently the victim of a Small Talk Sniper Attack in the check out line of Albertsons and I am not going to give you ALL the upsetting details because I don't want to ruin the rest of your year but BE ADVISED that, although I survived, the female perpetrator is still on the loose and was last spotted at a Rite-Aid paralyzing an older male by describing what her bathroom curtains look like.

This woman SWOOPS IN like a condor. Initially you might think OH LOOK IT'S A THING OF UNUSUAL WONDER I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD BE AWESTRUCK OR FRIGHTENED. This is part of her Confusion Ambush Tactic. Do not engage with her.

This woman IS VERY VERY TAN. She could be in her 20s or she could be in her 80s---the condition of her skin has made it impossible to pinpoint her age.

This woman has a mouth the size of that GIANT barn-garage they keep the Space Shuttle in when it is not in flight. If you engage in conversation with her YOU ARE IN DANGER.

Helmets do not help.

God Help Us All,
Commander Ignore

Saturday SlobberLove

Although the 4th of July has primarily represented exploding hands and runaway dogs to me, I must admit that there are moments---while the barbecue is BLAZING and the neighbors are BINGE drinking and we're all sitting around the FIRE pit arguing about why our fore fathers wore those homely white wigs---that I am able to stop, take a moment and think about (and I mean REALLY think about) what sacrifices have been made and what it would all be like without what we know are some of The Most enduring and life-saving elements of our existence:

POT HOLDERS and OVEN MITTS

Give Me Singe-Free Zones or Give Me Death,
Lord Chicken Leg

Things I Don't Understand, Items 193 thru 195

193. Men who employ Constant Cowboy Hat as their style strategy
194. Farmville
195. People who seem to be opposed to coconut