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Monday, July 5, 2010

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I was recently the victim of a Small Talk Sniper Attack in the check out line of Albertsons and I am not going to give you ALL the upsetting details because I don't want to ruin the rest of your year but BE ADVISED that, although I survived, the female perpetrator is still on the loose and was last spotted at a Rite-Aid paralyzing an older male by describing what her bathroom curtains look like.

This woman SWOOPS IN like a condor. Initially you might think OH LOOK IT'S A THING OF UNUSUAL WONDER I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD BE AWESTRUCK OR FRIGHTENED. This is part of her Confusion Ambush Tactic. Do not engage with her.

This woman IS VERY VERY TAN. She could be in her 20s or she could be in her 80s---the condition of her skin has made it impossible to pinpoint her age.

This woman has a mouth the size of that GIANT barn-garage they keep the Space Shuttle in when it is not in flight. If you engage in conversation with her YOU ARE IN DANGER.

Helmets do not help.

God Help Us All,
Commander Ignore


Meg at the Members Lounge said...

Remember this:

Whip out your cell phone that is clearly on *vibrate* to take the emergency call that is coming in. The fake call can be your friend!

Twisted Susan said...

I like to drop to the floor and fake a seizure.

patti said...

Start talking about your bunions and your bunion therapy next time.

Cupcake Murphy said...

Picture a VIOLENT AND SUDDEN hurricane/tsunami/mack truck. No cell phone or seizure is gonna help.

The Subtle Rudder said...

As a Nebraskan, I can say my people are a garrulous bunch, nattering aimlessly to little purpose and vast time assassination. Also, the grammar ain't no good in most cases, which makes me stabby and judgmental. I can channel my mother and do the polite chitchat thing, but luckily I have a deep streak of bitch within me, and sometimes that scares them away. I suspect you must be nicer than me.