Cooper Being Linda Blair in The Exorcist

Shortly before being possessed by the devil he suffers his greatest torment when Ellen Burstyn tells him that, later in life, he will marry Rick James.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Last week, for approximately four hours, the world was under the impression that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith were getting a divorce.  They were, as my sister and niece and I were saying as we celebrated with an impromptu Starbucks Iced Coffee Party:  SPLITSVILLE!---but just as we were about to order a couple of celebratory orange and cranberry scones along with two or five madeleines coupled with half a dozen or so chocolate covered graham crackers we heard that it was all a big fat lie and were devastated to learn that Will and Jada and their revolting oversmiling starlet children were indeed TOGETHER STILL, TAKING OVER THE WORLD with their creepy expansive grins.  Now, what I want to know is do you think there is still a chance that there was a small grain of truth to the split story or do you think that the Pinkett-Smiths will remain alive as a unit forever making awful music and movies and television shows until the rest of us are all dead?
---Debilitated From Disappointment In Delaware

Dear Disappointment,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

You may or may not agree with what I'm about to say.  I am aware that we all need to save face and we need to appear to be loving, kind people who do not stoop to sub-human levels.  We do not judge.  We do not hate.  We do not sometimes go "WATCH OUT!"  when we see Gayle King's butt.

And we do not make snap judgements about our neighbors, right?

Let the chips fall where they may because I am here to tell you that, regardless of your warm demeanor and your nice, friendly smile and never mind how you seem to be sweetly concerned with our other weird neighbor's cat.  When I pass you on the street and I engage in lovely conversation with you about how we both do not think it proper to have a president or presidential candidate who wears cowboy boots---regardless of all this---the ONLY THING I can think of when I see your bright and shiny face is that one time when I overheard you talking to your husband about how much you loved the haircut on the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls.

Back to the drawing board,
Clara of the Closed Minded

Things I Don't Understand, Items 356 thru 358

356. Corn rows on white people
357. Pink Floyd
358. Ball peen hammers

Cooper Being Marilyn Monroe

It was this sultry photo, The Belly That Launched a Thousand Ships, that captivated a nation and launched a sex pot's career---the likes of which the world had never seen.

Things I Like More Than Rick Perry

1. Clorox smoothies
2. Stepping in fresh dog poop shortly before a job interview
3. Being harpooned by a ship of angry fishermen
4. Tarantulas up my nose
5. Co-parenting with Andy Dick

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I am fully aware that I may have trust issues but I would wager a guess that I am not the only person in the galaxy that is worried beyond all get out that Rihanna and her giant vagina is going to seek my innocent family out and devour us as we lay in our bed trying to figure out if we love or hate the new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Thank you but no,
Sir and Madam Scaredy

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes on Saturday, we wonder how we got to where we are and we think to ourselves It must be some kind of odd dream that we've found ourselves in a state of matrimony. 

Living and sharing and dividing and compromising and seething and sighing and smiling and loathing and waiting and hoping and pleasing and frowning and planning and hating and loving and relenting.

And we know that there will be days like today when we have little voices inside our bellies that whisper about how organized our bathroom drawers used to be and how if we wanted to watch reruns of  Dr. Phil for an entire afternoon that there would not be anyone to answer to and we think about Betty Friedan and we wonder if it has all been in vain.

And then we see that photograph of you.  The one that makes our heart rumble in our chest.  It is that photograph that isn't particularly special in any way---the way it looks---the lighting, the setting.  If a stranger saw it they would not be struck by any meaning or beauty or profundity. Except there is something about this particular photo that captures the essence of you and how you are.  The way you are standing there---eager, happy and stock still---looking directly in the camera, holding The Boy's leash.  The way you are looking at me, waiting for me to figure out how to work the camera.  The way you would have stood there forever waiting for me---being patient and strong.

And it is this --- this seeing of the photo and the remembering --- the day, the weather, the adventure we'd been on--- that erases all the piddly lip curliness and the air gets lighter and we take in a deep breath and we gather our senses about us and we say to ourselves We wouldn't trade this life for the world and we trot ourselves downstairs just in time to get dinner started before the sun starts to go down.

Yours In Snarly Eyed Wonder,
Wanda Wiferstein

Things I Don't Understand, Items 353 thru 355

353. When Aretha Franklin sings and she does that thing where she makes simple short words sound like they're forty syllables long
354.  People that keep giant tubs of licorice and pretzel mix in their office who tell you the I'm so popular because I keep food in my office joke and then laugh like a hyena every time you make eye contact with them
355. Pine scented deodorant

Cooper Being Michelle Bachmann on the cover of Newsweek

"I'll create more jobs for heterosexual white people even if Elvis is dead!" she shouts to a crowd of John Birch Society members.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I recently saw a headline that said Kim Kardashian Reveals Her One Wedding Day Worry and I simply did not have the time to peruse the rest of this article so I was wondering if you knew---does her one wedding day worry involve Bruce Jenner's lady face or do you think she's more concerned that her big caboose might scare the flower children?
---Curious as a Cougar in Clarksville

Dear Cougar,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Okay so we all know that, 99.9% of the time, when yer gonna get a THUNDERY, STINKY, SCARY visit from the Lord of Diarrhea and Throw-Up that The Lord screams across the rumbling seas and arrives in the dark of night when things are quiet as can be and the whole shire, if not the entire world, is fast asleep like little fairies in their beds made of fairy delicateness.

And then there is lil' ol' sweaty you, hunched over your crapper, panting and wild-eyed.

Will this hideous madness ever end? you think as you try, fruitlessly to keep your stringy hair out of your scrunched up face.

Why does vomiting make me cry like a soap opera actress? you ask yourself, as you feebly arrange the throw rug under your tender knees in preparation for another violent upchuck.

And it goes on and on and on until you believe that it is possible that you may expire.  But you don't.  You actually survive and, after a longish period of relative calm, you turn on the television in the middle of a Friday and are bombarded with revolting commercials of neon orangey-yellow creamy sauces being poured over mountains of gargantuan armadillo broccoli alongside lumber piles of penne smothered in lumpy gloop and as you sprint to the bathroom you vow to yourself that as soon as you are able to walk and breathe again you are going to find the nearest Olive Garden in order to organize a picket line.

If it's beige I'll eat it,
Broth Face

Things I Don't Understand, Items 350 thru 352

350. The Dow
351. Melanie Griffith
352. Why Reggae music reminds me so much of Polka

Cooper Being Kate Winslet in Titanic

"I'd been in the water so long even my lady parts were shriveled," he says, teeth chattering.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Beg pardon but if you're going to shop your wares as a Life Enhancer Coach and you're going to charge people $799.99 a minute to tell them what they already know you could at least throw in a little primer on the actual differences between Aleve, Tylenol and Advil or at least give a little demo on how to choose a cantaloupe because otherwise you just seem like a big ol' bag uh hot air.

I'm watchin' you,
Mayor Midge Malarkey

Sunday Prayer

Dear God,

Just in case I don't get hold of you before I perish, go toward the white light, get herded into a big stadium with other obsessive Gene Kelly fans and then wait for the next stop on my journey can you (if at all possible I know you are Kim Kardashian Busy) make it so I am directed toward the bus that is going to the place that does not show deep and ongoing hostility toward bread because the landscape I am forced to wander across now is a barren, sad and dangerous desert and my heart has grown heavy from longing for a grilled sharp cheddar with caramelized red onion on sourdough thanks and  praise be to all that is holy amen.

Yeast Be With You,
Slicey Slicerson
Slicetown, USA

Friday Conclusion

I've always been REALLY into Lists.  Lists of stuff to buy at the store.  Lists of books I want to read.  Lists of places I want to go. Lists of bras Oprah recommends.  Lists of the things I think Mister Cupcake should change about himself.

But since I got canned from the corporate job I had for 20 years that almost sucked the soul out of me---since the day I left that place and flew like a bird high over the mountain tops tweeting joy to the universe entire --- since I allowed the air to seep into my veins and my heart and my solar plexus and I got a glimpse of who I remember myself to be --- since that time --- I haven't been too much into Lists.  It's as if I were wrongly imprisoned and now that I have been freed there are certain things that remind me of Barfy Identity Murder and one of those things is the mind numbing activity of making a 950,000 page list of "action items" over which I had no control but over which I would be held ultimately responsible.

And so when I live my days now I think I get more done without my previously beloved Lists.  It's like there is a Gertrude Stein inside of me that's awakened and she is large and in charge and she cannot be bothered with lists and all of the restrained upset that they represent.  Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

THERE ARE TIMES IN A WOMAN'S LIFE WHEN SHE MUST DIVE INTO THE DEEP WATERS OF THE OCEAN LIKE A BANDIT AND GO LISTLESS FOR A WHILE JUST TO SEE WHAT KIND OF UNBRIDLED AND TOTALLY FABULOUS THINGS THAT MIGHT HAPPEN

When you picture me, picture me flipping those bastards the bird,
Wanda of the Waking Up

Things I Don't Understand, Items 347 thru 349

347. How, deep inside, I kind of believe that there will come a day when all my laundry will be done, forever
348. When people post photos of themselves looking stupid on Facebook and people say "MY GOD you are so freaking beautiful" in the comments
349. Double sided tape

Cooper Being Clint Eastwood in Dirty Harry

"You feelin' LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLUCKY, PUNK?" he asks the bow legged poodle blocking his view of the Greenies Teenies in the Biscuits and Treats aisle at PetCo.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I am fully aware that the writers before me had unimaginable obstacles to overcome---like having to sit at a desk wearing a poofy petticoat or not having access to a really smooth mouse pad or hearing the vigilante mob your husband gathered outside your window yelling YOU WRITE, YOU DIE!  Talk about a downer.

But I bet none of the prolific lady geniuses before us never had to deal with the horror of being trapped in a car with no mini notebook in sight and then being forced to make the nauseating decision to scribble the next brilliant world idea on the minuscule white part of your only remaining Bed, Bath and Beyond 20% discount coupon leaving your dream to purchase a new Mr. Coffee machine in tatters.

If you're gonna play with the big boys you better bring your face guard,
Sergeant Bess "Blowhard" Buchanan
56th Infantry
Traumatized Thinker Squadron