Things I Don't Understand, Items 368 thru 370

368. Sticky-hideous price tags that stick to your finger like a grudge holding anaconda
369. Everything about the world of Roller Derby
370. Cork

Cooper Being Audrey Hepburn in Sabrina

Here, the sinewy starlet is seen relaxing in between takes with the infamously grumpy Humphrey Bogart.

"He was just steamingly furious that the circumference of his bulbous alcoholic nose was larger than my teensy elegant waist," he says, sweetly.

The Cupcake Lessons

As you may or may not be aware I am a very hard working and well respected scientist and, for YEARS, I have been at work in my special  Berber carpeted laboratory attempting to decipher ALL OF IT. 

What do you mean by "all of it", you ask.

ALL. OF. IT.  Like---the whole shebang.  The whole kit and caboodle---including what "kit and caboodle" means, I say.

My latest findings have to do with my ongoing research on What NOT To Think About If You Are Awake At the 4 A.M. Awful Thoughts Hour and I, after several round table discussions with my assistants who wear special underwear, am ready to reveal the following about things you should NOT think about if you wake up at 4 A.M. alone and mildly frightened:

1. Chris Christie's tummy
2. Mold and how IT IS A SILENT KILLER
3. How sometimes you see a homeless person and you think that person is your old boyfriend
4. Where the universe ends and if it ends what is after that??, like is it a wall and then there is more universe or is it just unending and if it is unending where does it go is there some spot where there is nothingness and if so what is there does it go on and on and on forever and if so how far does it go is it all dark at the end or is there a little shelf at the end of existence or is it a cupboard?...???...!...?
5. Hornets
6. Dyan Cannon's face

Go forth and burrow,
Candace Constipated

Monday Judgements and Warnings

RED ALERT: If you wake up in the morning and you feel a little stuffy, a little groggy, a little hazy and you venture out into your neighborhood hoping to keep your disheveled self all invisible---it will be on such a morning that there will be little old ladies lurking around every corner and hiding in every bush just waiting to pounce on you and talk your ear off about Spanx, the handsomeness of Rick Perry and the new musical Shrek.

No one said it was gonna be easy,
Bessie Bleary Eyed

Sunday Prayer

Oh holy father who art in heaven could you make a teensy shmeensy effort (for chrissakes we know you're Michelle Bachman's hair stylist busy) to make sure that IF! there is any barbecuing that smells more aromatic than a cocker spaniel's behind in the upcoming week that the ones who do the barbecue smell fest will show a little brutha some love and throw a little brutha a piece o' chicken now and again praise be hallowed be thy name.

Thank you in advance for your generosity,
King Drippy Chops

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes on Saturday we pause for a moment and we feel just the slightest bit of regret or remorse or reluctance about who we are and how we've been and we promise ourselves we'll try harder.  We're not sure why we feel this way. Maybe there's something about the color of the air in September that makes us remember all the work we've done on our muted large heart and how, regardless of all this hard work, there still seems to be so much more left to do. 

We only know that we want to be good.

So as Autumn overtakes us and we feel heavier during our afternoons we decide that we won't let our Inner Worrier overtake us and we make a promise to ourselves that we will loosen our sharp harsh grasp and we'll give everyone else we come in contact with a break and we'll wrap the Fall around us like a blanket and know in our hearts that although, if we had our druthers, we'd choose the cold, crisp solitary cave of Winter we're making the largest effort to choose the wide open expanse of unhibernation and in this way we'll be able to look back on things and know we did all we could to rail against our hollow false longing to be alone.

Yours In Colorful Foliage,
Sappy Sapperstein

Things I Don't Understand, Items 365 thru 367

365. How people are able to take professional looking portraits of themselves with twenty other people using the stretch arm technique
366. Why cilantro is so divisive
367. Sweatpants that have words written in big white block letters across the butt

Cooper Being Faye Dunaway in Eyes of Laura Mars

"Tommy Lee---is that you?" he shouts in a tone that sounds smolderingly glamorous and pee your pants terrified all at the same time.

The Cupcake Lessons

Things That Look More Like a Turtle Than Senator Mitch McConnell:

1.  a turtle
2.  a porcelain turtle wearing a little plaid hat at a Disneyland gift shop
3.  the title character from the Franklin the Turtle comic books
4.  a reclining turtle drinking a margarita on a chef's apron that showcases grilling seafood
5.  Crush, the Sea Turtle, from Finding Nemo

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Shhhhhhh.  I'm trying to talk in a whisper.  Don't look at me.  Pretend like you're looking over there somewhere and not listening to me because we are both in grave danger.

Do not react or shiver or furrow your brow or scream as you listen to what I am about to tell you.  Just act normal.  No actually just act calm and blase as if you are waiting for a parking spot at Trader Joe's---scratch that --- just look bland, like you're waiting for your oatmeal to cook or like you're watching golf.

Ok, what you need to know is #1---Leann Rimes' husband, Eddie Cibrian is starring in a show about The Playboy Club that debuts tonight and #2---word on the street is that skinny bones jones Leann is so suspicious of Eddie because she met him on the set of a T.V. movie while he was still married --- DO NOT LOOK AT ME WE COULD BE KILLED! --- she's so jealous and paranoid about him looking at other gals like he looked at her while he was betrothed to another that she will use laser night vision to see you sitting on your couch watching him on his show and if you look at him too long she will propel herself by wrapping her pony tail around her stripper pole and become a human tether ball and shoot herself through the night sky and come bursting through your windows so she can beat you unconscious with her sharp and frightening knees and worrisomely dangerous cheetah teeth.  So if you watch the show DO NOT LOOK AT EDDIE or if you do look at Eddie LOOK AT HIM AS IF YOU ARE LOOKING AT YOUR GRANDMA.

Keep your hands in clear view at all times ladies,
Commander Cassie Cower

Sunday Prayer

Dear Lord On High or something,

Even though I secretly hate Goldie Hawn and I think that anyone who doesn't like artichokes dipped in lemon butter is a weirdo and I often hiss and spit at the people who order half-cap-non-fat-un-lard-double-foam-grande-triple-axle-frizz-ease lattes at Starbucks and I am an elitist when it comes to 100% cotton socks and underwear, I hope I get points for being a dedicated and enthusiastic collager praise be to all that is holy you may now sit amen.

Yours In Scissor Worship,
Sister Clip and Trim of the Cross

Cooper Being a Customer Waiting For Help At the Computer Hellhole Called PC Mall

"I can't hear you. I'm deaf with rage," he emotes through his lifeless, marble eyes.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

This afternoon I heard a report on NPR about how expensive the cost of oil is and became quite blue, per usual, but then I was relieved to hear that, come Autumn, there is going to be a type of gas called The Winter Blend that will be much cheaper and, needless to say, I have a buttload of questions about this Winter Blend so I thought I'd write to you to see if you knew---Will it be available at Starbucks and, if so, will it have cloves, nutmeg or banana bread in it? And also, will the people who mix The Winter Blend be mixing it in that cabin where they filmed the final scenes for The Bodyguard? And lastly, in your best estimation, do you think Santa's elves will be involved at all and will this create any big scheduling problems with Christmas and overtime and what not? 
---Undulating About Unleaded in Ukiah

Dear Unleaded,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Things I Don't Understand, Items 362 thru 364

362. Ronald Reagan
363. Foosball
364. Portobello mushrooms used as hamburger buns

Cooper Being Matt Dillon in Drugstore Cowboy

In this scene, he belligerently tries to cuddle with an on set teamster he mistakenly believes is Kelly Lynch.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Most every day, when I wake up in the morning, I tell myself NO FUCKING SUGAR! But then as the day goes on there is a little voice in my head that starts to browbeat me about the fact that I'm not eating sugar and it says things like CAN-DY! CAN-DY! CAN-DY! or If we do not consume a Peppermint Patty within 3.5 minutes our elbows will explode. Now, my question to you is---do you think the voice I'm hearing is the devil and I need to get all geared up for battle or should I just give up and take advantage of the 3 for the price of 1 Haagen Dazs deal at Ralphs?
---Having a Heart Attack in Helsinki

Dear Attack,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Hi.  I'm a Tupperware Lid and here is my To-Do List:

1.  Wake up and change positions; find the nearest corner to get wedged in
2.  Attend Top Five Thousand Habits Of Highly Annoying Things workshop in the spice drawer
3.  Find and make amends with the magenta Ziploc top I called a two bit whore
4.  Work on shape shifting in preparation for any dumb, pie in the sky attempts at organization (practice resistance posture!)
5.  Finish final draft of memoir, Lids Who Run With the Wolves: Reclaiming Joy Inside a Drawer

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes on Saturday, to celebrate the change of season we feel just slightly in our nostrils, we gather our most beloved toys around us and we have special paw time with them and we gnaw and sniff and drool and nibble and just when we think it cannot get any better, one of the special two armed ones comes over to us and asks us if we want to play.  And we think we might be dreaming.

Holy Hallelujah,
Mister Happy Hound

Friday Conclusion

This afternoon I was driving in a crowded part of Los Angeles talking on my cell phone.  I usually NEVER talk on my cell phone while I drive because I loathe people who talk on their cell phone when they drive or text and drive or read and drive or knit and drive. 

Just drive when you drive.  That's my motto.

But I made an exception today because I was listening to my best friend describe the details of a dream she had that involved a message she believed she received from my dead father and just as she was telling me that she knew in her soul it was not a bunch of hogwash because he was wearing his old Birkenstocks in the dream and I was about as riveted and misty as I could get a parakeet yellow mustang pulled up right beside me and a woman with fried blond hair and really big saggy boobs was hanging out the passenger side window screaming at me to HANG UP THE FUCKING PHONE! like she was one of those scary baboons and her frothing at the mouth cohort in the driver's seat was just as furious at me because they both started flipping me off and yelling about what a LOSER I was and just as their angry voices reached a crescendo of fury they revved their engine and screeched off leaving me in the dust, both their hands waving out the windows---him giving me the finger and her making a fist and I thought I wonder what they do when they see someone picking their nose and I felt really bad because although I'd never exhibited the Hell's Angel's behavior of these two unpredictable Enforcers I knew where they were coming from, the poor dears.  Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

THERE ARE TIMES IN LIFE WHEN IT IS SIMPLY REFRESHING TO SEE THAT THERE ARE INDEED OTHER HUMAN BEINGS WHO ARE CAPABLE OF BLOWING THEIR GASKETS MORE EXPLOSIVELY AND RIDICULOUSLY THAN YOU

Peace out,
Beatrice Better

Things I Don't Understand, Items 359 thru 361

359. Gingko biloba
360. Outdoor carpeting
361. How quickly Post-it notes can create a junkyard look and feel