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Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Cupcake Lessons

As you may or may not be aware I am a very hard working and well respected scientist and, for YEARS, I have been at work in my special  Berber carpeted laboratory attempting to decipher ALL OF IT. 

What do you mean by "all of it", you ask.

ALL. OF. IT.  Like---the whole shebang.  The whole kit and caboodle---including what "kit and caboodle" means, I say.

My latest findings have to do with my ongoing research on What NOT To Think About If You Are Awake At the 4 A.M. Awful Thoughts Hour and I, after several round table discussions with my assistants who wear special underwear, am ready to reveal the following about things you should NOT think about if you wake up at 4 A.M. alone and mildly frightened:

1. Chris Christie's tummy
2. Mold and how IT IS A SILENT KILLER
3. How sometimes you see a homeless person and you think that person is your old boyfriend
4. Where the universe ends and if it ends what is after that??, like is it a wall and then there is more universe or is it just unending and if it is unending where does it go is there some spot where there is nothingness and if so what is there does it go on and on and on forever and if so how far does it go is it all dark at the end or is there a little shelf at the end of existence or is it a cupboard?...???...!...?
5. Hornets
6. Dyan Cannon's face

Go forth and burrow,
Candace Constipated


The Zadge said...

Oh Dyan, Dyan. You should have done the LSD instead of all the plastic surgery.

Little Miss Sunshine State said...

Dyan's face was really frightening on my 52in TV screen.