Shhhhhhh. I'm trying to talk in a whisper. Don't look at me. Pretend like you're looking over there somewhere and not listening to me because we are both in grave danger.
Do not react or shiver or furrow your brow or scream as you listen to what I am about to tell you. Just act normal. No actually just act calm and blase as if you are waiting for a parking spot at Trader Joe's---scratch that --- just look bland, like you're waiting for your oatmeal to cook or like you're watching golf.
Ok, what you need to know is #1---Leann Rimes' husband, Eddie Cibrian is starring in a show about The Playboy Club that debuts tonight and #2---word on the street is that skinny bones jones Leann is so suspicious of Eddie because she met him on the set of a T.V. movie while he was still married --- DO NOT LOOK AT ME WE COULD BE KILLED! --- she's so jealous and paranoid about him looking at other gals like he looked at her while he was betrothed to another that she will use laser night vision to see you sitting on your couch watching him on his show and if you look at him too long she will propel herself by wrapping her pony tail around her stripper pole and become a human tether ball and shoot herself through the night sky and come bursting through your windows so she can beat you unconscious with her sharp and frightening knees and worrisomely dangerous cheetah teeth. So if you watch the show DO NOT LOOK AT EDDIE or if you do look at Eddie LOOK AT HIM AS IF YOU ARE LOOKING AT YOUR GRANDMA.
Keep your hands in clear view at all times ladies,
Commander Cassie Cower